Wednesday, 22 February 2012
Ups, Downs, And Arounds
I am going to take a leaf out of my mate Kara's book, (or blog) and sort of let off steam. (She's just found the world of blogging, voicing her thoughts and finding it addictive). This is a writing related post in some ways because writing is my life, and so are my two boys. They come first always, then the writing - well it slots around life really. But writing has become a lifeline for me, helping me cope with the boredom of reality.
I had all these ideas of a blog post about something I'd seen in Writing Magazine, and that will have to come another day.
Today I woke feeling fed up, and sick. Sick with a thought of going back to work. Not full time, but increasing my hours so that I can protect my future.
If I have to work more hours to physically see more money coming in, it means my writing time will suffer. And this makes me anxious. If I have to work more hours, how am I going to fit them around the children, school holidays or when they are sick? And after school? We do lots, just after school. I hate the idea of my children losing those activities, plus relying on other people to pick up my kids.
I'm not a lazy person, but I've worked full time before, and it used to frustrate the hell out of me. The incompetence of other people. I already get stressed with the 9 hours I do at my 'little shop'. If I have to work more hours, this is something that will frustrate me again.
My husband wants it all kept a secret at the moment, but I'm now ready to burst. I am not a very secretive person. I tend to be open, tell it how it is, tell you how I am - which is usually a chirpy disposition if I'm not in a foul mood. I've told people closest to me but I have a lot of friends (on Facebook) who I don't see so often. It will be interesting to see who of my Facebook friends read my blogs, because they will learn something today that I am unable to 'tell' in life, or at least not on my status bar.
Last year I made a decision that I wasn't happy with my marriage and to finally do something about it. (I've not been happy for a very long time actually). But I kept it in, wanting the kids to have a family Christmas unscathed, I waited. By the end of January this year, I plucked up the courage to talk to my husband and tell him I wanted a divorce.
He is angry, and in shock, especially as I have gone past 'working at it' - which would be the easiest option in all of this - but I can't see me falling back in love. I've been 'working at it' in my head for so long and maybe I should have spoken out sooner, but I feared that once it was 'out there', there would be no taking it back. At first I thought it might be me just going through a phase and things would improve. But in fact, the cracks just widened.
It's not that he's a bad father, or husband. He's been supportive with my writing etc. But there was something lacking from our marriage that I could no longer ignore. I actually thought my husband would feel mutual when I raised it. Apparently not. I was feeling unloved, there was nothing physical at all in our relationship, and therefore I lost my love for him.
Maybe, I read too much romance... Maybe I hid away too much with my writing? Either way, the fact that I was distancing myself from my husband, and he wasn't noticing (or he seemed not bothered by this), to me wasn't a good sign.
Part of me feels a fraud. How can I write romance and want a divorce? Where's the happy ever after?
I'm not sure if this post is really letting off steam. Obviously, I can't discuss the finer details of this in public. (Therefore email me rather than comment if you have something more personal to say). But just so you know, when I'm having a down day, you now know why. And why I am more desperate than ever to be a successful writer - eventually.
We are trying to tackle this amicably. My children are none the wiser at the moment, and it upsets me that I will be devastating their world. But I think in order for them to have a better mummy, they need a happy one.