Saturday, 7 October 2017

I Need To Find My Voice

Do you know what frustrates and angers me the most, what even hurts me more? The fact you will never know how much you have hurt me (and my children), how much you have disappointed me. That the man you turned into I never saw a hint of in the time we were together.

You will never know that I still cry, I still think about you. I still miss the days of when we were together, and I thought we were both happy and good for each other. I still wake up every morning and think 'shit he's not in my life any more'. It feels like a bad dream... seven weeks on...

I'm even left wondering what you tell your friends. 'We weren't meant to be', when you spent fourteen months convincing me that we were?

The counselling has helped me look at our relationship. I almost feel ashamed to have been so weak (as I consider myself strong) and even in some ways that I was conned/controlled by you. But I didn't see it. I wanted to please you, make you happy, so I did everything I could. And you lead me to believe you were doing the same for me... You were a man who prided yourself on being a good, decent, honest man. And you appeared that way too. You were generous, loving and thoughtful - so I believed... I thought you selfless but you were selfish...

Because a good man would work at a relationship when times get tough, and a decent man would not shower his lover with gifts only to walk away from her when things weren't quite going his way. A good man would have chosen 'us'.

I realise that in the year before you met me, you'd lived a rigid life, you'd got into a routine with work, your hobbies and your children. And although they (to quote you) 'weren't enough', when you were looking for a relationship, you wanted it to fit in around your routine and your kids. You weren't flexible, or pliable. The relationship would have to be under your terms. And only your terms. And I look back and realise how much it was! Yes, you conformed a little, in the beginning in order to keep me sweet, to entrap me, to convince me to trust you and fall in love. After all, I was an attractive, intelligent woman with a bubbly personality. You wanted me on your arm. (A trophy girlfriend maybe?)

But as soon as I started to find my voice, and air things that didn't please me - and these were only usually times when you were failing to choose us - you ended our relationship. It no longer made you happy.*

No discussion, no compromise, over.

And these were things, in a normal loving relationship that should be allowed to be discussed. I did nothing wrong I realise now. I was never unreasonable.

So yes, I feel deceived, I feel hurt. I put my all into something you weren't prepared to even meet me with half way. You waited until I had fully trusted our relationship, that I felt safe within it, then you let me go. You gave me promises you couldn't keep because you weren't prepared to develop the relationship, keep it moving forward.

You need a woman who will just slot into your routine without a quibble. Good luck with finding that kind of woman. In the meantime, I hope Karma finds her way to you.

And for me, the next man, I have to learn to speak up and have my voice heard sooner - so they can decide whether to stick around or leave me before they can hurt me. They'll need to prove their worth.

I thought I was honest and outspoken, but clearly when it comes to the fear of sounding unreasonable or demanding, I hold back.

It's not about being selfish, it's about my well-being. I need to be stronger.



(*Feel free to respond if you disagree with me - or I've got this wrong some how).

For anyone reading this blog post and are considering counselling, I would recommend it - Please message me if you'd like further advice.