Wednesday, 18 October 2017

I'm Doing Something Right

Woolacombe 2017
Last week my eldest was awarded Mathematician of the Year, Lower School for 2017. This actually is a great achievement, considering he was in Year 7 last year, so he was picked out against Year 7 and Year 8 students!

Then, last night I went to the parents evening for my youngest son, who is in Year 6 and will be moving up to secondary school next year.

As soon as I sat down, his teacher was 'well this is an easy parents evening', and gave my son such praise. From his attitude to learning to his conduct within the classroom and with his peers, she said he was a pleasure to teach. (And I know most say this, but I like to believe she meant it).

When my eldest was first born, and I'd come down from the joys of giving birth to a healthy baby, I was thinking 'oh shit - a boy'. I remembered all the boys at school when I was a girl that couldn't be bothered to learn, those that mucked about in the class room. The little shits basically. And then when I was sent a second boy, I thought my troubles had doubled.
Tyntesfield with Granddad - who never encourages them!

It is assumed that because they are boys, they will be naughty, that they will fight. (It did used to rile me when a mum would excuse her child's poor behaviour because he was a boy.)

My two are not always blue-eyed boys and they come with their flaws. They are still children, after all. They like to fight and bicker like any other siblings. Yet, one thing they both seem to do well is get on at school. (I'm pretty sure they have a personality transplant as they walk through the school gates.) I've never had a problem with them going off to school. They enjoy learning, and generally behave well for other people. They are both bright, intelligent boys, with great personalities (which they obviously get that from me! ha ha!). My fears of them being 'little shits' in the classroom have been squashed.

My eldest is lacking in some common sense at times...  it maybe the turning 13 symptoms... He can be away with the fairies which drives me and his dad mad! (I no longer take it personally when they play up for their dad at the weekends). And my youngest still knows how to throw a tantrum like a two-year-old when things aren't going his way. But generally, they are good boys, who I hope will turn out to be strong, successful, loving men.

Maybe me being a tough mum has paid off? Screaming like a banshee and expressing when I'm angry does work?

Maybe it's something their Dad and I have done right?

Saturday, 7 October 2017

I Need To Find My Voice

Do you know what frustrates and angers me the most, what even hurts me more? The fact you will never know how much you have hurt me (and my children), how much you have disappointed me. That the man you turned into I never saw a hint of in the time we were together.

You will never know that I still cry, I still think about you. I still miss the days of when we were together, and I thought we were both happy and good for each other. I still wake up every morning and think 'shit he's not in my life any more'. It feels like a bad dream... seven weeks on...

I'm even left wondering what you tell your friends. 'We weren't meant to be', when you spent fourteen months convincing me that we were?

The counselling has helped me look at our relationship. I almost feel ashamed to have been so weak (as I consider myself strong) and even in some ways that I was conned/controlled by you. But I didn't see it. I wanted to please you, make you happy, so I did everything I could. And you lead me to believe you were doing the same for me... You were a man who prided yourself on being a good, decent, honest man. And you appeared that way too. You were generous, loving and thoughtful - so I believed... I thought you selfless but you were selfish...

Because a good man would work at a relationship when times get tough, and a decent man would not shower his lover with gifts only to walk away from her when things weren't quite going his way. A good man would have chosen 'us'.

I realise that in the year before you met me, you'd lived a rigid life, you'd got into a routine with work, your hobbies and your children. And although they (to quote you) 'weren't enough', when you were looking for a relationship, you wanted it to fit in around your routine and your kids. You weren't flexible, or pliable. The relationship would have to be under your terms. And only your terms. And I look back and realise how much it was! Yes, you conformed a little, in the beginning in order to keep me sweet, to entrap me, to convince me to trust you and fall in love. After all, I was an attractive, intelligent woman with a bubbly personality. You wanted me on your arm. (A trophy girlfriend maybe?)

But as soon as I started to find my voice, and air things that didn't please me - and these were only usually times when you were failing to choose us - you ended our relationship. It no longer made you happy.*

No discussion, no compromise, over.

And these were things, in a normal loving relationship that should be allowed to be discussed. I did nothing wrong I realise now. I was never unreasonable.

So yes, I feel deceived, I feel hurt. I put my all into something you weren't prepared to even meet me with half way. You waited until I had fully trusted our relationship, that I felt safe within it, then you let me go. You gave me promises you couldn't keep because you weren't prepared to develop the relationship, keep it moving forward.

You need a woman who will just slot into your routine without a quibble. Good luck with finding that kind of woman. In the meantime, I hope Karma finds her way to you.

And for me, the next man, I have to learn to speak up and have my voice heard sooner - so they can decide whether to stick around or leave me before they can hurt me. They'll need to prove their worth.

I thought I was honest and outspoken, but clearly when it comes to the fear of sounding unreasonable or demanding, I hold back.

It's not about being selfish, it's about my well-being. I need to be stronger.



(*Feel free to respond if you disagree with me - or I've got this wrong some how).

For anyone reading this blog post and are considering counselling, I would recommend it - Please message me if you'd like further advice.



Sunday, 1 October 2017

I Can Do Single But....

I was thinking the other day, as I was driving, why I felt so sad.

I mean, obviously, I'm upset at the moment. I'm devastated; I miss the man I thought I was spending the rest of my life with.

Past experience assures me, that with time being a great healer, I will cope and enjoy being single again. I can do single. Easy. I don't need a man.

I'm already seeing the benefits, catching up with friends, trying out different restaurants... I feel in some ways, I've been set free.

However, what makes me sad is that all I want is to be with a partner, to have someone to share my life with. After fourteen months sharing my life with someone, I really miss that. It has proved it's what I want.

I no longer have someone to text my ups and downs to, to share all my thoughts and news, whether insignificant or significant. I wanted a partner to have mini adventures with. I have no one to love.

Being single is great. I can do what I want to do and when - money permitting. But it can be a lonely path at times when all your friends are loved up and busy with their own partners.

Another worry I have is what will the next man in my life be like? When will I feel this happiness again I was feeling this past year? Will they be better, more suitable?

They're going to have to be, if honest, because I won't settle for less. I would rather be single.

But I have this fear the past two relationships have now caused, that when it's all going smoothly, will one day he leave me, with no clear explanation, and not prepared to work at the relationship.

Can my heart take that again?

Friday, 22 September 2017

Back To Kissing Frogs...

So I discovered I wrote this back in August 2015. But for some reason I never posted it. Maybe, I was concerned of the professionalism as a writer, or that I do look like a bitter, twisted woman...

However, since having been in a fourteen month relationship, that has yet again ended due to the guy not wanting to choose 'us' and not wanting to work at the relationship, I feel I want to post what I wrote two years ago.

I'm learning men don't fall in love, they just become infatuated... and think it's love. And when the honeymoon period is over, they're off. I think men look for perfection more than women do. We are far more realistic - even me, the romance novelist...

The way my heart aches at the moment, a month on, I know I was in love. (I'm not quite in the happy place I was when I wrote this 2 years ago).

Tonight, I'm wondering what film to watch - maybe it's time I dig out #HesJustNotThatIntoYou again....

The third book is finished, and I'm editing my fourth, which involves online dating and my past experiences of it.

Anyway, this is what I wrote - two years ago! Oh, the irony... : 


I've been told that my profile (when I was on an on-line dating site) was refreshingly down to earth and honest.

But where does it get me?

Sometimes, when I'm feeling really depressed about it all, (I'm getting better) I feel like the men I have met have taken what they want from me, then moved on...

If I'm so bloody lovely, why hasn't one stuck around? (I'm kinda glad a couple haven't actually, looking back. But only time shows you this).

I have vowed to watch #HesJustNotThatIntoYou on are regular basis as a basic reminder.

I have told myself I will no longer chase men. I never really did the chasing - as a romance writer, I like the guy to make the first move - but when one shows an interest, and I get a bit attached, I then find myself doing all the work... and they're not. And there's a clue there really, isn't there? So from now on, thy shall not chase!

Thoughts keep going on around in my head of what I'd really like to put as my profile, because of all the bull I've had to listen to over the past few years. Clearly, I can't post it, because I would definitely not attract anyone, (only bitter losers who'd want to snipe back) and would look like some bitter, twisted, deranged, bunny-boiler of a woman. And I am not this. Honest. I am not!

A little crazy at times... but not weird.

But I am a little bit sick of guys wanting to find a genuine woman... only not to be all that genuine themselves, carrying god knows what baggage. If I have learnt one thing from all of this, men carry more baggage than women. OMG! Yes they do! And I thought they were the ones with balls.

My problem is I'm too honest, and I like to make sure we're on the same page from the off. So I highlight, that at the end of the day, my goal is to find someone to be in a relationship with. I think, when I start talking about this, they're hearing goddamn wedding bells. All I'm trying to say is I want to meet one guy... I am NOT looking for casual sex.

However, I'm not looking someone to move in and play father figure to my kids, I don't want to move in with them either. I'm just looking for someone I can share my time with, to do things, visit places, have fun together!

What I have also learnt about myself is that I am an 'all or nothing' type of girl. If you can't give me your all, I want nothing from you.

This is perfect, except the sweaty palms bit lol!

I will say, now taking this vow to not go looking for love, these past few weeks I have been in a much better place in my head. Yeah, sure, I worry I'm going to die lonely. But I am actually happier, concentrating on me, and finishing this third book. In the meantime, it looks like this princess will have to be prepared to kiss a few frogs... when she's ready...


Wednesday, 20 September 2017

Moving On

The last couple of days I've been immersed in my editing, and it hasn't allowed the head space to dwell on missing you.

I'm still waking up in the morning, though, thinking of you. I can't believe you're no longer in my life, that you're no longer my future. This stops me in my tracks at times.

When I do allow myself time to grieve, the ache in my chest returns and I feel so sad.

My friend gave me a Relate book called Moving On (Breaking Up without Breaking Down). I finished it last night, which has given me some hope I'll find happiness again.

One thing the book suggested was not to stop doing the things we enjoyed doing together. Therefore, I have been watching Gotham season 3 which is new to Neflix. We used to watch Gotham together. We devoured two seasons.

It doesn't really feel so good to watch it alone - only because I remember us cuddled on the sofa with a glass of wine, and both commenting about the twists. It was our treat once the kids were in bed.

Anyway, Lee has returned (who was Gordon's love interest  in the previous seasons) and in one of the early episodes she tells Gordon how he broke her heart, how she cried herself to sleep at night. I wonder if I'd been watching this with you we'd have realised the poignancy of Lee and Gordon

I was so with Lee.

I've pretty much cried every single day so far. Either as I'm about to go to bed, or for instance like writing this blog post, or when I'm in the car and a song comes on that feels poignant. Pink - What About Us is a good one!

You told me 'we weren't meant to be.' We were never meant to be if you weren't prepared to work at us, our relationship....

Saturday, 16 September 2017

Moving On Is The Hardest Part

It's four weeks since you drove off, making this is the fifth weekend I've been left to my own devices. The past few weekends I have filled with friends and family, but this one I have chosen to sit it out alone.

I've got to get used to it at some point, right?

I mean, for the last year I have spent pretty much every weekend with you, usually at your house with your kids...

I did everything I could to fit in, to please you. I tried not to make demands, I just wanted to love you, and in return you love me.

You are still in my thoughts everyday. Sometimes I'm angry - that you weren't prepared to work at our relationship, you just walked away. Sometimes I'm just in shock that you're no longer a part of my life. It makes my heart physically ache. I just can't believe it - I pray I'm dreaming. Each day I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that you are no longer my future. At the moment I don't feel whole. I feel incomplete. And it's up to me to fix this gap, learn to be happy on my own, single again.

Friends ask if I've heard from you and I tell them no. I'm not surprised that you haven't contacted me - I did lash out to hurt you, because I was hurting myself. But, to be honest, if you can leave me so quickly, without a backwards glance, you can see how I question the sincerity of your love. I can see how you don't really care... Was it infatuation, did I just fill a gap, and once you were done, you discarded me?

I think what hurts me the most is that you knew I was afraid of this happening to me again. And yet you still did it.

Tuesday, 12 September 2017

Every Single Day

Every single day I say, "What have you done?" and I ask, "what did I do?"

Every single day I miss you. I am so sad that this has turned so wrong.

Each day I look back at all the good stuff we had, all the laughs and giggles, the kisses and the cuddles, all the fun memories, all the things that remind me we were good together.

Every single day I cry, I grieve... my love turns to a rage. And I mourn.

I want you to call me, for what good it will do. I know we can't go back to what we had, even if we wanted it to.

Every morning I wake up wishing it was just a bad dream, and you're still in my life...

And each night, you're in my thoughts and I wish I could understand what happened to "us".

Tuesday, 5 September 2017

When Will It Go Right?


And here I am again, brokenhearted.

I had hoped I wouldn't get to feel like this again. I trusted you to stick with me through thick and thin.

But here I am, lost again.

I grieve the loss of a love, a relationship... a man who I thought was my forever.

No more text messages in the morning, or last thing at night, even though you're still my first waking thoughts, and who I think of late in the evening, tucked up in bed. And I wonder what you're doing during the day, because I no longer have that contact with you.

My phone is silent, yet I look at it in the hope you'll text to say you miss me, like I miss you, so so much.

My heart hollow, I walk about empty, a dull ache in my chest, my head clouded and foggy, wondering how I got to this point, how did we become so broken, so quickly. How can I feel so happy one day and so devastated the next?

No more kisses, or cuddles, no more snuggles on the sofa watching our favourite TV shows and sharing a bottle of wine, no more little touches or making love...

My love for you has turned to a rage, yet I still love you. I'm trying not to think about you, I'm trying to go on about my day. But occasionally a memory will stop me in my tracks. I have cried too many tears.

I know time heals. I know my love for you will dull, and I will find peace... It just takes so long... For now I need to learn to live with missing you, this emptiness, this gap you've left in my life.

Positivity has left me; I'm starting to believe my only happy ever afters are the ones I write...