Saturday, 19 May 2012

Day Dreamer or Realist?

Okay, so it's the weekend, I've been up since 5.30am and I have another early start tomorrow. Every weekend that I work, it is always unproductive when it comes to my writing. So why tonight, am I feeling frustrated, annoyed and even guilty that I've opened up my Word document, and, staring at the words, I just can't write it. I can't concentrate.

I want to listen to music. I want to chat on Twitter and Facebook, because that's about as much my brain can handle.

So I've closed the document, and I'll go to bed in a minute, but thought I'd blog. Because blogging is writing, and sometimes, it's a bit like therapy, it helps.

Real life is getting in the way too. Yet another major barny with my 'husband' (can I call him Ex yet?) has left me feeling soooooo crap about myself. He's been chipping away at my self-esteem (if that's the right term) for longer than I probably realise, but now he's just coming out with stuff that makes me want to punch him! I've actually just typed up why I think I'm actually a damn good mother (Okay so I have my crap days, but don't we all?) - for some strange reason I fear they're going to take my kids away from me!

I came out of my appointment with my solicitor feeling empowered and confident. He has said he came out of his feeling more positive. (He was being smug with me that's for sure). What have they told him different to me?

He harps on that I'm such a dreamer. I know I'm a dreamer. I've had so many ideas, plans, dreams of what I would like to do/see/become. I wanted to open a cafe - a proper coffee shop/ice cream parlour. I wanted to work in Marketing (I did actually get a qualification in that too). And I do worry that this writing malarky is one of those dreams that I've got inside my crazy little head, that as per usual won't get realised.

But I'm also a realist. I know we all die in the end. I think I am so determined on this, it will happen - the writing, not dying... though that will come to me too at some point, lets hope not just yet.

I have finished a novel! I have one more 57,000 words through. I've got more stories inside my head - which may need more brainstorming, but they are there! If it doesn't happen this year, or next, it will one day. I'm not going to give up! Right? Some one please tell me I'm not a dreaming...

Well, at least I can blog...  and leave inspirationally material for all you other writers out there...

Nothing like a good snog!

The thing is, I do get an idea in my head, and a bit like my dad, I react and want it. We are doers! And I'm not patient. I want it like, YESTERDAY! The solicitor has told me what I can look to have. And I'm out to get it now. 

However, I worry, too. I worry a lot. About all sorts of things. From have we got enough milk to when will the world end. But if I was such a terrible person, would I have the friends that I have? I've been overwhelmed by the amount of friends that have supported me over the past few months, online and in reality. And to all of you, I hope you read this. Because thank you. You keep me strong, and motivated, and I will become a writer.

I'm in the mood for a bit of Dirk, too.

Actually, I am a writer... I'm just not published - yet.

(Sorry a bit wittering there... but like I said, I needed some therapy).


  1. Hi Teresa,

    I remember this horrid phase - between marriage and divorce. I remember sleeping on the bed settee in my study and feeling crap about myself. Get the wheels in motion for your changes and keep going - you will emerge from the other side. As you have said above - life is too short to make do. Mx

    1. Thanks, Morton. I just wish I could push the fast forward button, lol! Hopefully I'll pull this writing malarky off, and that will give me more confidence that I can do this alone, and I have taken the right 'career' path, too.

  2. The fact that you both came out of appointments feeling positive isn't a problem. You shouldn't let yourself think in terms of winner and losers here. You can both come out of it okay if you're ready to.

    And you might be a dreamer, but you're not a wannabe. You've put your money where your mouth is. You've written, edited and submitted one novel and are a long way through drafting the next, and of course have completed plenty of other stories before this. THAT shows you're not just a dreamer, but a do-er too.

    1. Yeah, he just seemed bloody smug to me. Also, I didn't want to put this in the body of the post, but he said he actually had grounds for divorce. I was fuming when I went to bed. If I hadn't raised anything in January, he'd still be ticking along in this marriage as if everything was okay. He was happy as things were.

      Hey, I suppose it helps to be a bit of a dreamer, otherwise where would my plot bunnies come from. I have over 60 stories short and long in my fan fiction. Some are tripe, but hey. They are written, finished stories. Thanks for the pep talk ;-)

  3. Hey, the smug bit is all part of the game. When I took my son's dad to court for child support, he was threatening to ask for custody. My lawyer said that was all part and parcel of the game - he wouldn't fight for custody if I wouldn't fight for support. From now till the end, it's going to be mindgames. Just remember that and don't let him get to you.

    1. Yeah, I know, no one will actually take the kids away from me. I haven't done all the hard work (breast fed, real nappies, home cooked food, toddler groups! The toddler groups FFS!) for nothing.

      It's just the thought of how long the pair of us are going to be under the same roof which is getting me down :-(

  4. I'm sorry you're feeling so crap about everything. I'm afraid I can't give you any advice, apart from stay strong and don't fall for his mind-games. Think about yourself and your kids, and sod him! You will get through this - even if it means writing some really evil stories. I killed my hubby off after a row once - I felt a lot better :-)

    1. Annalisa, that last sentence made me laugh out loud!

      I keep telling myself he's not actually a bad person. We're both angry. I just don't think he's making things easier.

      It's definitely giving me a life experience I'll be able to use in writing. lol!


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