A Nostalgic Post - How Old Am I?

I've realised I am of a unique age, being born in the 70s. I'm a Gen X apparently. 

This means I am young enough to accept this modern digital world of mobile phones, WiFi, online shopping and even the electric car, having grown with it, yet as a child, I remember the coalman delivering our coal and having our milk delivered by the milkman. 

My dad actually became a milkman, and I helped him on his rounds, even getting to drive the infamous Unigate milk float. Now, many children these days can say they helped the milkman - let alone seen one. 

Even our post isn't delivered everyday with everything going online or emailed. It's changed from post to parcels. 

I even remember the halfpenny, and going to the corner shop to buy penny sweets with our pocket money. 10p's worth! 

I have photo albums from old family holidays. Now everything is stored on our phone. I get to see my photos when my Amazon Firestick goes onto screensaver. I save my photos to social media, as another storage platform. I no longer use physical albums. 

I have a seven-inch single vinyl collection, (yes, they're tucked away somewhere) as well as having owned albums on vinyl, tape, then CD. Even the CD is now outdated, with downloading music via Spotify or Amazon. Record stores are very hard to come by. 

Then, we used to record our favourite programmes via a VHS Video recorder. My brother convinced our dad to buy one. Gosh, I even remember our black and white portable TV! Snooker was difficult to watch then. 

Then the DVD player came along, and the Blu-Ray. But even these are obsolete with streaming television programmes and films via streaming channels. I would not be without my Netflix or Disney+. 

I've seen computers arrive, and grow... and shrink to laptops.

I remember the landline as the only way to phone friends and family, using a phone in the picture... and if someone was on the phone, you got an engaged tone. Now we are reachable - if we choose to be - via our mobile phones 24/7. No engaged tone, it will go to voicemail. 

I still love my paperback book, that's one thing that hasn't changed, however, we can now read books via a eBook reader, or listen via an audiobook! These can be downloaded instantly! 

There are probably so many other things I've lost track of over the time, taken for granted what we used to have to do. But how a world can change so quickly... 

What do you remember as a child that no longer exists today, having become obsolete?

It's My Mum's Birthday!

I want to wish my mum a very happy birthday! 

Although from the age of eleven I lived with my dad, (long story which I won't go into) my mum has always been there for me, and I can tell her anything. She really is my best friend. I always have her full support. 

I certainly have some of her nuttiness and she's raised me to be strong and independent. You're generous, kind and thoughtful. 

They say you can't choose your family, but I would choose you everytime to be my mum. 

So, Happy Birthday, Mum!

I'm sorry I can't be with you on your special day to celebrate 76 years of being on this planet. I'll make it up to you the next time we get to catch up. (June.)

Thank you for also being a wonderful Nanny to Ben and Kieran. 

Love Treesie x 

(Your first born, who made you a mum, and your favourite ha ha! - inside joke with the siblings!) 

I'm A Bit Pants At Blogging

Have you noticed that I'm a bit pants at blogging? I've not blogged since March and my son's 14th birthday. 

I think when I started blogging, social media was all new and exciting... but now there are sooooo many platforms to update, that I just forget to blog! Newsletters are the new thing... which I mean, is a blog, but just going direct to your email address. 

So then I think what shall I blog about!? 

My latest newsletter is out and is here. Please remember to subscribe! 

I had these marvellous mugs made by Mug Express (a local company), and I have a couple more up for grabs over the coming months. 

I've just realised I've also not told my blog followers that Cocktails at Kittiwake Cove is now available for pre-ordering! 

You can do that HERE! 

So I think that's me covered. I will try harder to blog... I promise. 

Do you know my most visited blog post is this one? It's had nearly 8000 views! It's my most viewed post! I wonder if people are googling kitchen gadgets... 

The Only Thing Standing Between You And Your Goal Is YOU.

I've come to realise, especially with reading lots of self-development lately, that, without sounding lazy, I don't want to go back to full time work. 

I've been lucky that for the past 16 years I've been a stay-at-home mum, only working part-time. Those hours have increased as the boys have got older, and my divorce requiring me to work more for working tax credit purposes etc.

However, I love this part-time life, and I wouldn't be a writer if I didn't have it.

I love that I am here for my children - even though they're getting less dependent on me now. 

So my goal is to remain working part-time. In fact, my goal is to eventually be my own boss in my own business. But one step at a time... 

I've never thought myself ambitious, but it's like I've had some realisation that I actually am.

When I started my new venture I didn't realise this. But now, I want the holidays, the cars... it's not about the money, it's about the life I wish to lead, providing for my kids; the financial independence. Which is so important as a single mother!

Maybe working years for a company I don't really like has helped this realisation, because I've seen it with my own eyes. I'll always be a number, an employee, easily replaceable. The only way I'll earn more is to work more for them (or another company). And it's still capped.

Today, I paid for my oven to be cleaned. I usually do this every 1-2 years. One day I want to able to afford a cleaner for my house! The only way I'll do this if I work for myself and not work for someone else. 

Also today, as well as touching my business, I've had the time to put dinner on in the slow cooker and make a batch of my 7-veg tomato sauce, which I generally use as a homemade pasta sauce. 

This free time is so important to me! 

This journey won't be easy - I certainly can't give up the part-time job yet. I'm not on some get rich quick scheme and I'm well out of my comfort zone. But nothing ever grows in your comfort zone. I've seen that it works for others, so why can't it work for me too?  

I can't recommend self-development books enough! Positive thoughts definitely is key. They've made me realise my potential.

Never quit on a bad day. We're all going to get them. The journey will never be easy. But if you want it bad enough, the Universe will make it happen.

Hello Autumn

 

Here we are, September already drawing to a close, and I've realised, yet again, I haven't blogged in a while.

It doesn't help that I'm sending out a newsletter every month now, in the hope for more subscriptions and more readers. Does this mean blogging is a thing of the past?

To be honest, I think I prefer to blog... 

Since the kids have been back at school, (YAY) I've been juggling a lot of things and so maybe my lack of blogging can be forgiven. 

As well has going to work work (as I call it - which is the Post Office, where I have to turn up or I'll not get paid), I've also got a 3-book contract to adhere to, I'm doing a few hours a week for a local business, and I'm actually trying to start up something new myself, in the hope it will become my much more rewarding job that allows me to stay home and write. The alternative is a full time job, which would mean my writing dream pushed further back. (productivity will be much slower!) On the days I work at the Post Office, my brain can't focus on writing, so I hate to think what a full time job would do to my inspiration.

Add running around after two teenage boys to the list too! I appear to be juggling a lot of balls at the moment, and this Covid-19 era is also a stressful time. 

I will admit I love the summer. I love the long, lighter days, and the warmer weather. I prefer flipflops to boots and shorts to jeans. However, next month is my birthday month, and I have a few dates with friends in the diary to look forward to. So Autumn isn't all bad.

I don't want to think about Christmas (especially as I work in a Post Office) so I'll take one month at a time. What about you? 

If you'd like to read last month's newsletter, click here.  I announced the winner of my competition! The next one should be out early October - if I get my act together. (Did I not mention I'm very busy at the moment?)

Well, well, well...

Well, well, well...

It's been a while since I updated you on my romantic (or not so romantic) liaisons. Last summer, I met a guy who I thought could be The One. We got on so well, talking about everything! It was crazy.

Then, of course, he ended it saying he wasn't ready for a relationship. I blogged about it here.

This spurred me to do something rather unlikely. With a lot of badgering from my writery friends, I applied to First Dates. (As I no longer have an online dating profile anywhere! Yep, deleted them all.)

Then one month later he came back into my life.

Let's call him #MrWells.

Now, this happened all before Christmas... (And I wrote this post before Christmas but decided it wasn't the right time of year to start ranting about idiotic men ann didn't want to taint the Christmas spirit!)

I'm not sure I want to get into the long and the short of it, only that yet again, he was a man with issues.  (Why do I always find the men with issues?) And with my past experience in counselling, the counsellor in my head now tells me I did nothing wrong. Because I did nothing wrong. (Wait till you hear it).

All I will say is, ladies, avoid men with issues. Do not empathise, sympathise, even dream of loving them, do not fear that they will be lonely. In fact, let them be exactly that. Lonely. They do not deserve you because if they do not love themselves then they will not love or respect you. And to be honest, I think they love themselves a little too much in some twisted way, and will not give two shits about you.

After two weeks of no communication from #MrWells, which I was to assume our relationship had expired, he messaged me via email. Am I to presume he deleted my number out of his phone (as I have done with his if truth be told). An email?!

And all it reads is along the lines of sorry it didn't work out between us. Still no explanation. No thank you for returning his watch. (I'll get to that).

I deleted the email without responding. I felt that as I had nothing nice to say it was best to say nothing at all.

However, you know me, I do like to have my say... so I thought I'd blog about it instead.

Dear reader, do you want to know what he did?

We've had a lovely evening, everything appeared great between us (so I thought). We'd only been seeing each other a couple of months - well it's about 4 months from 1st date, but we had a wobble which really should have told me then to walk away. (See link above.)

We watched some TV (like normal couples do) and went to bed, made love....

Now we aren't familiar yet with sleeping together regularly, so at 2am (ish) it wasn't surprising for him to say he couldn't sleep. However, he insisted he would go into one of the boys' rooms. Now being a lot bigger than me, and my boys both have cabin beds, I suggested I go and he stay in my bed.

But he insisted I stay in my own bed. So I made up the sofa bed in my son's room and left him to it. At around 2.40am #MrWells is entering my bedroom, using his phone as a torch, rummaging around in the ensuite. (Honestly it was like a burglar!) When I ask him what he's doing, he says he's gathering his belongings, he can't sleep, he's going home.

Now we'd made plans to do something together Sunday. In this growing relationship, I'd hoped we would get to spend the day together. So, in my confused and very tired state, I'm asking if he's coming back. I help him find other items that he would clearly have behind otherwise - he's a bloke after all - and see him on his way.

I can't sleep straight away, so I put all the sofa bed back etc. In the morning, I've received a message which says he's "home" at 3.43am. I reply, "Hey best text me once you're up."

NEVER GOT A REPLY UNTIL THAT EMAIL OVER 2 WEEKS LATER!

I sent his watch back to him via special delivery when my friends said I should just smash it, or just not bother sending it back until he contacted me. He didn't even thank me!

After knowing how #HeWhoShallNotBeNamed had treated me, confiding in him about the counselling, this is how I am treated! I am soooooo sick of it.

Why me? Why do these fucking arseholes come near me?

I wouldn't mind if they were drop dead gorgeous and fit as fuck, but no, they're average arseholes. And I'm so soft I let them in.

I'm really sorry to say this but the next guy really does have his work cut out to convince me he is worth his salt. Because I am DONE!

I am very happily single.

September News!

My third newsletter will soon be released, updating you on what's been happening in September etc.

If you want to subscribe, click here -- ;Subcribe Now

In the meantime, I'm currently working on book 2 while I wait for edits from my agent. This book will be set at Christmas. I know! This weather and I'm trying to think of Christmassy things... (and my agent wants snow!) and it's the last thing I like to think about, even in September! The sun is still shining after all, even if it is a little lower in the sky.

I like writing summer and sunshine, but I have some fun things planned for this book. I need to work out the conflict between the hero and the heroine. He just likes to put his foot in it.

However, this next book is going to be equally as fun to write, as I revisit old characters (mainly Joe, and a little of Noah) in this second book of the series.

On the 16th July, I had great fun meeting Jane Dare who runs a pop up boutique in Claverham. I've decided this is what I want my heroine to do, as it will fit nicely with the plot I've got planned.

Of course, I had to buy some outfits. I then held a pop-up boutique in my home which was equally good fun. So writing, isn't always about sitting at a desk. Although getting those words down are important. The research can be fun too!

Keep reading the books. You make us authors happy!

Life's Acupuncture

With the kids off school, I've failed at writing, so today I thought I'd blog about something I've been mulling over lately.

Life isn't treating me badly in the grand scheme of things. I know I'm fortunate. I'm healthy, I've got a job (I think) and a roof over my head - although there is a leak, as water is dripping from my kitchen ceiling when the boys shower in the bathroom. I'm a published author too!

However, small things in life are niggling away at me. Little things keep going wrong. Like the leak!

A prime example is that I had my new sofa arrive yesterday. And it is LUSH. And I can't believe it fits perfectly and goes so well with the room. We can now watch the TV in comfort! And I've not parted with a penny! (I'm paying over 4 years interest free - thank you, DFS!)

However, the bench stool has a crack in the side of one of it's panels on the inside. (It has a storage compartment. In a small house it's all about storage for me.) I didn't notice it until the delivery men had left.

So it has meant getting in touch with DFS, and they're organising a new base to be made. Now it's all fine really, but it's just another niggle of life being annoying. Instead of the furniture arriving and everything is great. I've had to make a call, send off photos etc. I couldn't just receive the furniture with no problems.

And I thought the other day, all these things that seem to go wrong when I could do without it; it's like acupuncture. A needle gets twisted, causing a little pain. That's what these nuisances are.

The thing how acupuncture works is that those needles tell the body where to concentrate on the healing. So are these little pains from life, just making me stronger?

And maybe I'm noticing them because I'm stressed with the worry of making things work out. Is this all just part of the wobble?

I suppose I'd rather these little niggles, than something big going wrong in life, but sometimes it would be nice if something went right!

I Feel A Wobble Coming On

Life is good, I am happy but I am feeling a bit out of sorts. Not sure if it's the full moon, new moon, high pressure, low pressure or what, but I just have this niggle of stress going on. Anyway, I feel a wobble coming on.

It's not helping with a bad back. The exercise and the routine isn't what it should be, which I usually finds keeps any stress or depression in check.

However, I think I'm worrying about my future, especially as I've had my mortgage renewal come through. How fast another school year has passed, it won't be long before the boys are leaving, and I've got to think about my financial future. I need a job.

And I'm working on that, wanting to become a virtual assistant. But with that I am stressing too, that if I get this in motion, will I have enough time to fit it all in, from the writing, the part-time job I have to attend to give me a regular income, and actually feeding the kids and keeping the house clean. Don't get me started on epically failing on the decorating my house again this year. It's a good job my dear old Dad attends my garden.

But will this virtual assistant, as a self-employed job, be a regular enough income too?

I'm trying to be proactive, but it all feels very reactive at the moment. I don't know my future... and it's stressing me out!

Maybe at rapidly-approaching-forty-six, I thought I'd have someone to share this stress with, I wouldn't still be single, my future would be clearer. The feeling of wasting 14 months of my life on the wrong man can get me down sometimes. Even now.

I don't need a man, but one would be nice...

I suppose my biggest fear is that I may have to give up the writing. Or I won't be able to do it as often as I get to do it now. And the writing keeps me sane. It is my happy pill. But even if I get a full time job... I'm pretty sure it won't pay me enough, having been out of 'proper' work for over fifteen years.

And I don't have someone at home, bringing in the regular income. I am doing this on my own.

This is really hard.

I know money doesn't buy happiness, but it does ease financial stress.

So forgive me if I wobble.

Why I Don't Have Time To Date

I've been meaning to blog again the past few weeks. In August, I will have been single two years. I have dated - or tried to - but nothing has stuck. (I really did want one guy to stick, but we just didn't quite have the right chemistry for me).

In these two years I've attended counselling, I've self counselled, and I have got on with my life and made time for my good friends. I've had some lovely mini-adventures, too!

I'm now in such a routine with keeping in contact with these wonderful people, I rarely have a spare weekend to myself. I've a great social life - it would be even better if money allowed!

I've taken the advice of Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway, and made sure all parts of my life are full and important. I'm not going to make one person my whole world. From family, to friends and career, I've tried to concentrate on it all that makes me happy.

I don't have a huge quantity of friends, I have a few that make time for me, so I make time for them. And I love them all. These are the friends that have helped me through my lows, and rejoiced and celebrated my highs. These people are important to me and my sanity!

So I'm not going to give that up, right?

A gentle reminder to myself... 

The thing is, I do really want to find that one person to share everything with. There's a part of me who needs to, if only to confirm to me that when He Who Shall Not Be Named ended our relationship, it was the best thing he could have done for me. He set me free!

I know it is the best thing he could have done for me. I mean, who wants to remain in an unhealthy and unfair relationship? However, the way he did treat me, when I thought he was being sincere, is all I ever wanted. I just want to be loved.

And if I don't find that again? What happens? He's the last man I loved? He's the last man who 'loved' me?

It's as if I need to meet someone to make sense of my past.

I hope this is true!

So, I have to believe there is someone out there who will love me so much more than He Who Shall Not Be Named. And imagine how that's going to feel?

I shouldn't let this man have a hold of me, but he does. I want proof there is better out there, and I deserve it. Otherwise it all feels like a fraud... for someone who writes romance, I can get cynical. And I don't want to be cynical. I want to believe there is someone out there for everyone.

A few weeks ago, I opened myself back up to online-dating, only a day or two later to hide my profile. I realised I was just too busy to make a date with these guys - the few decent ones amongst the baggage-ridden dross.

This is great in someways, right? I'm too busy to date. The right guy's really going to need to stick out, yes?

Therefore, do I leave it to fate? Will the right guy come along in his own good time? However, I've actually been single on and off now for nearly seven years.... I'm not sure I'm patient enough for fate!

The way of the world these days, online dating seems the only way to meet new guys. But why does it have to be so time consuming, and sometimes, even feel demoralising?

Wishing You All A Happy New Year!

I want to take this opportunity to wish all my friends, family, readers, and fellow writers a Happy New Year! Everyone who connects with me through social media - Happy New Year!

I'm getting it in early, as tomorrow I will actually be working. Then, I'll probably get side-tracked playing That's You or Knowledge is Power on the PS4 with the boys...

I want to especially thank the readers for buying my books, and leaving great reviews. This really does help authors, especially when they're questioning whether their writing is shit or not. (Me - all the time.) To read a five-star review does squash that negativity - even if it's my first book published five years ago.

2018 has been fairly positive for me, especially by writing those three positives a day, I have focused on the good things this year. It is something I will continue to do in 2019. I also have my friends to thank for keeping me positive, keeping me laughing and having so much fun. I have embraced being a singleton.

Sadly, I don't have a new book contract, so I have no idea what 2019 will bring on the book front, only that I will continue to write and persevere with my writing career. I actually have an idea now mulling around my head which is not likely to be deemed romance, but more commercial women's fiction.

However, I do have some fantastic events already planned for 2019! (It's about getting dates in the diary.) Can't wait for February, where I will be visiting Dublin for the first time ever and I am involved with the Weston Literary Festival again.

So watch this space!

I'm not very good at making new years resolutions, but I do want this year to be focused on improving my house - it needs decorating! (It will be a case of hoping the writing doesn't suffer and how much funds allow. Decorating party, anyone?)

Have a very happy New Year, and I wish you a positive year. And if occasionally life throws you a negative, try to take the positives from it.

Much love, to you all,

Teresa x 

A Letter To My Ex

Dear Ex,

If you're going to private message me via my Facebook Page, you might want to unblock me to maybe allow me to reply.

I won't. (But even if I wanted to, I actually can't.)

Neither will I take down the post.

(Dear readers, apparently he doesn't like this post, He prided himself on being such a good man see, but 4 months in counselling told me a very different story. There's an article too about men sending inappropriate pictures that I posted, maybe he's not liking this either). 

I will not do either of these things (reply or remove post) because 1) I am blocked, and I've never done anything wrong, 2) I owe you nothing, yet you owe me 14 months of my life back, and 3) it's the truth, and it's my blog, so bite me.

I could list more, but these are good enough reasons.

Oh, maybe, I've never had an apology, or an explanation why you're such an F@ckwit.

However, with reference to the last part of your message, and you stating that you 'massively misread the situation at the start of our relationship', I would like to point out that you completely and utterly misread the whole of our relationship. I was working towards a future together. You however, was always going to bolt as soon as your terms got questioned.

So, on that note, hope life's treating you well shit.

Your Ex.

I Think I've Found Closure

So, last week something rather random happened. I was contacted via Facebook by an ex of my Ex (I now like to call him He Who Should Not Be Named or the other begins with a C and is rather rude for this blog). She is the one (of many by the sounds of things) after me.

Through messaging, I have discovered that he has made her feel like they were soulmates, deeply in love, and then, without warning, suddenly ending their relationship. Sound familiar?

She was so apologetic for getting in touch, but felt she needed to. I told her I didn't mind at all. This time last year I had wanted to do the same, to gather some understanding to what the hell had happened to a perfectly good relationship (or so I thought it was).

Now, I never in a million years thought I could empathise like this, and feel so much for her well-being. I mean she's an ex of an ex, right? I thought I would feel a jealousy, or something not anywhere near what I do feel for her.

He has hurt her too, breaking her heart. She is me, a year ago.

This has highlighted to me that I did not know the man I was dating. I don't recognise the man she tells me about, what he's doing, what he's done to her, what he's doing to other women. He's a liar and a cheat. A manipulative bastard.

He still sends dick pics - even when I stressed very strongly women do not need to see these sort of pictures, especially before actually dating, or having sex!

Friends said to me earlier in the year, that one day I would look back on the 14 months we shared together and I will have fond memories of them.

At the moment I can't see it. I look back and think of it all as lies and deceit. I don't know that man! The way it ended has also soiled those memories for me, too. And I'm not sure I want to look back on them fondly, because I couldn't understand what went wrong.

All I feel is that I wasted 14 months of my life working on a relationship he was never actually interested in.

She said to me that she felt so stupid and naive. SO DID I!

All I do know is I'm in such a good place right now, and learning these things about him has helped me get closure. And I hope, I'm helping this other woman, too, with the counselling I gained. And from the fact that he's done it again, reassures us and shows that there is nothing wrong with us, and it is all on him.

So now there are two of us praying he meets a psycho-bitch from hell who will make his life a living nightmare! Maybe we should start a Facebook group - He Who Shall Not Be Named Ex's. 😹

Hello Again, October

When October arrives I know the year has rapidly flown by. It's my birthday month, this means, I will be one year older soon, and also Christmas is really not that far away.

This year, I am trying not to think about that time of year until I come back from my holiday.

Yes, I said HOLIDAY!

With the success of Meet Me At Wisteria Cottage going into Sainsbury's last year, I am treating me and the boys to a holiday in Kos.

We can not wait.

I am feeling a teeny tiny bit anxious at the thought of being in a foreign country with just the boys. But the complex is all inclusive, so I don't actually have to leave the hotel if I don't want to.

But until after this holiday, the summer is still here, and I am ignoring the fact that Autumn is knocking at our door. I refuse to put the heating on! Jumpers and two pairs of socks if necessary!

I apologise for the lack of blog posts lately. I really have been knuckling down with the writing, but I can confirm, we're all happy and positive in the Morgan household.

I'm working on book two of my Kittiwake Cove series, though how much may get done this month is questionable. It is my birthday month, after all.

My Three Positives A Day

I wanted to blog an update of me. I know life can have ups and downs, I look at it like waves sometimes, that you have to ride out.

Almost a year single, at the moment, I think I'm at the happiest I've been in such a long time. Maybe last years shock of the sudden end of a relationship has helped me appreciate what I have today. It's made me focus my attention on the good stuff and the right friends. It's helped me set priorities. What's important, what matters to me?

Since that awful moment, finding myself single again, with the aid of counselling and the support of good friends, I have dusted myself off, picked myself up and I have got on with enjoying life.

At the beginning of the year, I had a blip. I was dating, and getting depressed by it all. Basically, I thought if this is the best I can do, if this is the best men I can attract, I'm staying single. I deleted the online dating account, and have been too busy to look back since.

He (who shall not be named) set me free really. The last couple of months I've been so busy, my weekends full, no longer sat in his house with his kids in-tow, hardly doing anything, and I still am busy for the next few weekends! For example, next week I'm book signing at Waterstones Weston-super-Mare! Come along and say hi!

We are half way through the year, and I feel so positive. And I think I know why.

Last year, when I was at my lowest, my counsellor suggested I wrote at the end of the day 3 positives into a notebook/diary. I found it so useful that I decided to continue this in January, using a diary I'd got given as a birthday present. It's perfect as it's a page a day, giving me plenty of room to write my positives down.

Without fail, every night I fill out this diary. Some days are harder than others to find three positives, but it can be the simple things like we ate tea in the garden or the sun was shining. Sometimes, I have so many positives to write down, I'm adding bonus ones! But each day feels positive. Every day this year, even when I've had a bad day, I can look back on the good stuff. I'm focusing on positivity.

I've been lucky. This year hasn't sent me any curve balls - yet. But by focusing on priorities - keeping fit, my writing, my friends and family - I'm in a good place. I'm trying to worry less about those that don't wish to be in touch. I've done as much as I can now, I'm not forcing my friendship on to anyone anymore. I'm focusing on those that focus on me, making regular dates with my good friends.

The best thing about this is: I'm too busy to date. 😁

I'm writing a series of books now, which will feature happy ever afters. Not sure if I'll get mine... not sure I'm bothered anymore...

So, my advice to you: Focus on the things and people who make you happy, write down those 3 positives a day, and have a Pornstar Martini! (This is my new favourite cocktail).

Life is good.

Thou Shall Not Chase

Maybe I should title this the trials and tribulations of a dating single mum...

I mean, when I am messaging some guy I hope to date, my eleven year old is looking over my shoulder and asking "who am I texting?"

"Just a friend." *lie mode cancel*

I just don't have that many friends, let alone ones that text me regularly. The day he realises this I am rumbled.

When someone does start texting me regularly I actually have to put my phone on silent so that the kids don't get too curious.

So, yeah, I've ventured, on and off, again, with the online dating malarkey thing.

I'm a sucker for punishment. Obviously.

And it's nice to get a text message, to feel wanted, that someone has thought about you enough to message.

However, it's a game half the time.

But I've got to start somewhere, right?

The thing is, I'm not even sure I'm ready. I get bored with it quickly - well, men, I get bored with men. And I don't mean in a slutty way. Nope, I just get bored with the messaging, or when they don't message, or when the messages have clearly been sent by their dick... In the end I'm doing the Jessica Jones eye roll gif. Yeah, you've seen the one!

A conversation with a very wise friend recently, she confirmed what I already knew - as she's been on the planet a bit longer than me - men really do think with their dicks.

I just now need to remember this - always!

I've now got a trust issue (thanks to my previous relationship - insert Jessica Jones Eye Roll Gif again)... I mean, when dating, messaging, whatever, I'm thinking; does he just want sex, is he a player, or is he genuinely looking for a long-term relationship? Or will he say he wants long-term, and just leave once he's done with me.

The ones that appear genuine I don't fancy.  They're not unattractive but I just don't fancy them! There isn't the spark! I really want there to be but it isn't there. And they're real sweethearts and I've got to turn them down for another date.

And go back on that bloody app!

Then there are ones I find attractive, but there can't be much of an interest for them... because they don't even message me back! Really should just stick to my Thou Shall Not Chase, and let the guys message me first.

The other ones I do find attractive, that there is a spark, I'll be like, is he a player, will he bolt at the first argument, can I actually trust he's genuine?

There is so much I want to put on my profile, but it'll make me look bitter and twisted, and insight inappropriate comments probably. But I just don't want to play games, and Thou Shall Not Chase!

What I have discovered also is the double standards. Guys want pretty women, with a great figure who keep themselves fit, yet they're not exactly 'fit' themselves (when I come to meet them). They have the nerve to tell me they don't find overweight women attractive... but when I'm meet them, they are overweight themselves! Now, I'm not looking for someone who is obsessed with the gym. I just want someone who takes health and fitness seriously.

Also, all these men are looking for strong minded, independent, interesting women... but they actually don't know what to do with one once they've got her. Heaven forbid she disagrees with them. (Oh, they'll walk out of a perfectly good relationship... that's what they'll do...) Really, they want doormats... only they don't find them attractive.

So do you want to know why I write romance? Because like I have on my website profile, let's face it. men in reality don't exist like the heroes in books. And occasionally, us women like to meet men who don't constantly think with their dick... These men can be found in books.

First Post In 2018

My first blog post for the New Year!

And I've realised I never shared a picture of my scrummy, chocolate Christmas cake!

I hope everyone had a lovely Christmas and a fun New Year. I spent New Year with a best friend, and we had a giggle, or two, or three...

For my birthday I was given a new diary, which I am using to keep up writing my 3 positives each day. It lives by my bed, so it's the last thing I do before turning off my lamp. Some days are easier than others, but it's amazing, if you dig deep, even the little things each day are all positive.

Like I've said before I don't really do resolutions, but being in the process of reading Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers, she's made me focus on the elements important in my life, and I'm going be more conscious of keeping focused on the things that make me happy. Keep dedicated to friendships (and relationships), making time for the people important to me. Making sure I look after myself, physically, which in turn will help with my mental health. (I'm not mad... but I want to stay positive, be stronger minded, more confident.)

I am also going to look into changing my part-time job. Although I enjoy my current job as it fits well around the boys, there are elements of it that make me unhappy, and I've been thinking for a long time now I'd love to give up working Saturdays. I think I've been cradled by the safety net of the company I work for, and because I've been there thirteen years I fear leaving.

I have a few things to look forward to. 27th February is the Weston-super-Mare Literary festival. If you're interested, you can book your tickets here! I'm on the panel of "This is what a romance author looks like." You can follow the Weston Lit Festival Facebook page also!

Also pencilled in the diary is the RNA conference in July and the Romantic Novel of the Year Awards Presentation in March.

Slightly further away are my two holidays! Polzeath in May and Kos in October!

And of course I hope book four gets published this year!

2018 is already so exciting!

Proud Mum To A Teenager!

Ben in my favourite sleepsuit! 

My first born, Benjamin James (Ben) is thirteen today!

When he was first born, I saw him as my miracle baby. I only had one Fallopian tube and had doubted whether I would get pregnant naturally. And I remember, after my long laborious labour (I should have taken that as a sign, he'd take his time entering this world, he'd take his time and be laid back about everything from then on in life) that I was grateful and happy to have a healthy baby boy - weighing a whopping 9lb 4oz. If I couldn't have any more, at least I'd been given the gift of at least one baby. And I know some don't even get that, so I was filled with joy.

One memory I have, while I was still in hospital, adjusting to motherhood and breastfeeding; I'd left him in the nursery - the only place you could leave the babies unattended - so I could shower. I came back to his cot to find him gone and a brief moment of panic hit me, fearing someone had stolen my boy. I turned around and midwife held him, showing another midwife/nurse on the ward my baby, saying, 'look how handsome this baby is.' My heart filled with so much pride. (He was incredibly handsome as a baby - but I thought I was biased as his mother).



As he grows older, you can see he's the spitting image of me. And now he has glasses, we are even more similar. Even though he drives me mad, because he is pretty much away with the fairies, in his laid back state, I love him more than words can truly describe. He is laid back, quietly confident, clever (Mathematician of The Year!) and fairly mature - when not bickering with his brother. And though he'll do things that make me cross, he does so much that makes me proud, too.





Not sure where he gets being so chilled out from. My dad (Granddad Ron) and I laugh about it quite regularly. It's certainly not from me. But he loves cake and chocolate - which he does get from me! I love that he loves reading! And I've recently got this boy into Red Dwarf. He is my buddy - when I don't have to be 'Mum' and nag him.

Happy 13th birthday, Ben. May you continue to grow into a great, wonderful, mature man.

Fourteen Weeks...

It's been three months now, and still nothing. It's as if you never existed.

I suppose, if you ever did truly love me, one day you'll miss what we had and you'll get in touch. If you don't, well, I know you lied and deceived me.

Although I do hold some fond memories of our 14 months together, (and they make me miss you) they are sadly tarred by the way things ended, and my love has turned to an anger and rage that makes me think 'what were those 14 months about?'

Have I actually benefited from them in anyway? Except the expensive gifts...? I still can not fathom what they were about, other than your way to secure my love for you, while you were obsessed and infatuated with me. I have a feeling it meant nothing, because you told me how you didn't regret spending similarly on the woman before me. Maybe if money means nothing to you, the expensive gifts meant nothing too...

I was like a conquest, wasn't I? "She must be mine! I'll do everything in my power to convince her I love her and that she needs to love me, and then when I'm done, I'll just cast her aside... because she means nothing truly to me."

So no, I look back with resentment over those 14 months, my time wasted on a man who didn't deserve my attention, for he hasn't furthered my life or enhanced it. (In fact he's now led me to the last few months feeling utterly miserable - for which those 14 months certainly weren't worth it).

Like I've said before, it's like I've woken up and it's June 2016 again. I'm back, where I was in June 2016 FFS! But in a worse place mentally.

I resent you. Why? I'm looking for someone to grow old and grey with, and those 14 months could have been used to find that man, instead of wasting them on you, who I thought I was building a solid relationship with. YOU who led me to believe you were the one to be with. Then, you end it? No consideration, no lets maybe work at this... No, because you'd had your fun, you'd won me over, and now part of your game, was to just toss me aside.

Counselling has really opened my eyes. Now, I need to set to work on my self-esteem, because I've been set back 14 months, and my trust has been truly destroyed. Thank you for that.

If I Were An Animal...

So true! 

Do you know what the hardest thing I'm still trying to over come? Still, after 10 weeks...

What I find hard is the fact you're going about your days without me in them. I don't even know if you miss me, give a shit about me, or anything? Do you even think about me? Wonder what I'm doing? Do you even care? Clearly not...

Yet, I still catch myself wondering about you...

It hurts that you did everything in your power to convince me that you wanted me in your life, then discarded me once you were done with me, that I no longer fitted into your terms.

It's a bit like Cora or Regina, the witches in Once Upon A Time. You've pulled out my heart, and crushed it with your bare hands.

I'm back at awful currently, but it could be worse I know.

Each day gets easier. I don't cry every day. I still get upset when I talk about you, my voice betrays me. But I still miss what we had, knowing it will never come back and can't believe you're no longer in my life. That thought still catches my breath, every day.

I miss you more when I've got the free time I would have been sharing with you. I miss that I don't have someone to tell the silly little things of what's going on in my day...  I miss that I don't have someone to cuddle and kiss, hold hands with... I miss having a partner.

It's like those 14 months were a dream. I'm Bobby Ewing stepping out of the shower... and I've gone back to June 2016 before I met you.

But the hate is setting in now. The rage that I was deceived, cheated into believing I was in a loving, safe, strong relationship. That you loved me...

I may learn to forgive you, one day... But I will never ever forget.

My counsellor asked if I were an animal, what would I be? I answered a bird in the end, because they seem to never stay still, always flitting about, which I thought represented my mind as well as me physically. Now I realise I'm more like an elephant. Head strong, determined, passionate about life but will never forget those who've hurt me.