49

So I'm now in the last year of my 40's. This is technically, my 50th year... 

The last couple of years has been a dramatical change to my mindset, all thanks to joining Utility Warehouse. I was probably getting stronger already, as I'd dropped online dating. I'd clearly got to the point where I didn't want timewasters in my life anymore and that if I was meant to be with someone, eventually the universe would provide. 

However, the past couple of years has really strengthened my belief that I am more than happy to live on my own. I have enough friends and things going on around me to keep me busy. And I'll never be bored because I will always have writing. 

UW has given me something that I also desired; financial freedom. And the belief that I will have it. 

I am concerned that if I did find someone else in this life, I don't want to lose my financial independence. I will want to own my own house. I don't want to be in a relationship to rely on that person's income. And I definitely don't want to give up on the decision making. 

In my marriage it had been so easy to hand over all the financial reins to my husband. But now I've got them back, I don't want to ever lose that again. 

I was supposed to post this around my birthday... I started writing it in October, the day before my birthday, but opps... I've neglected my blog. 

Anyway, here's to the last year in my forties, and to my fifty things for fifty... 

No More Working Saturdays!

Friday evening, it felt strangely weird locking up the Post Office for the last time, and walking out of the store... if not a little scary.

I've worked for Tesco for over 16 years, the last 8 of which were in the Post Office.

I started back in 2005 when Ben was only 6 months old (he's now 17!) as it fitted around my new 'mum' life.

16 years is a long time. You get set in your ways, your routine.

I'm not sure I will miss the job (or the company) per se, I've had real ups and downs, but I will miss working with some colleagues who have now become my friends. (So it's not really goodbye to them!)

Time to move on to pastures new, the next chapter...

I'm still writing, and still helping people save money on their bills and/or realise their own dreams, but after a couple of weeks off, I will be joining North Somerset Council part-time. Eek!

No more working Saturdays! Yay!

I wrote a goal to find a new job by 31st March 2022 and I only went and done it!

I Feel A Wobble Coming On

Life is good, I am happy but I am feeling a bit out of sorts. Not sure if it's the full moon, new moon, high pressure, low pressure or what, but I just have this niggle of stress going on. Anyway, I feel a wobble coming on.

It's not helping with a bad back. The exercise and the routine isn't what it should be, which I usually finds keeps any stress or depression in check.

However, I think I'm worrying about my future, especially as I've had my mortgage renewal come through. How fast another school year has passed, it won't be long before the boys are leaving, and I've got to think about my financial future. I need a job.

And I'm working on that, wanting to become a virtual assistant. But with that I am stressing too, that if I get this in motion, will I have enough time to fit it all in, from the writing, the part-time job I have to attend to give me a regular income, and actually feeding the kids and keeping the house clean. Don't get me started on epically failing on the decorating my house again this year. It's a good job my dear old Dad attends my garden.

But will this virtual assistant, as a self-employed job, be a regular enough income too?

I'm trying to be proactive, but it all feels very reactive at the moment. I don't know my future... and it's stressing me out!

Maybe at rapidly-approaching-forty-six, I thought I'd have someone to share this stress with, I wouldn't still be single, my future would be clearer. The feeling of wasting 14 months of my life on the wrong man can get me down sometimes. Even now.

I don't need a man, but one would be nice...

I suppose my biggest fear is that I may have to give up the writing. Or I won't be able to do it as often as I get to do it now. And the writing keeps me sane. It is my happy pill. But even if I get a full time job... I'm pretty sure it won't pay me enough, having been out of 'proper' work for over fifteen years.

And I don't have someone at home, bringing in the regular income. I am doing this on my own.

This is really hard.

I know money doesn't buy happiness, but it does ease financial stress.

So forgive me if I wobble.