Seeking The Light... Again!

Okay so this is going to be one of those heart-felt blog posts. I'll apologise now.

I remember back in 2012 I did a similar post when I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel... but it arrived, bright and full of promise. I've now been in my cosy little house 2 years, and I'm divorced, and my ex-husband and I have an amicable, even friendly, relationship. My kids are happy, I have two books published, I enjoy my post office job, and until recently I was happy too.

As most of you may know I was in a relationship with my Mr Aquarius. We'd met online and had been together just over 8 months. My boys loved him, we'd even become a lovely family unit. And I hoped I'd found the one. There's no guarantee - I know that. But we were good together. We laughed and had fun, which is the main thing. He ticked all the important boxes for me. I've spent the last 8 months moulding my life around his, including him, trying not to work too much during the evenings, and filling my weekends with him in them.

Well, two weeks ago he ended it all suddenly. I'm still not even sure it's clear to me why. All I know is that I'm suffering from a severe broken heart.

The last two weeks I have felt at times debilitated by grief. And he's not dead. But I've not known a loss like this for such a long time. Yeah, I've been dumped by guys before, but it's been after a shorter time, and deep down I knew it wasn't right either... but this... I'm just confused. My life feels like something is missing, void.

I play over and over times, memories, to see if I missed the signs. I go through moments of anger, hating him so much for how much he's hurt me, to missing him so badly I ache because I still love him. I can't just turn it off. I wish I could. I know it's something that will only fade and heal with time. (Just could do with Dr Who's damn Tardis right now).

Before I'd met Mr Aquarius, I had got used to being single, to spending Friday evenings on my own, coping with the quiet in my house at the weekends when the kids were at their Dad's. And I now have to do it all over again.

And the thought of having to date again makes my heart turn cold. I'm even worried this has affected me so much that when I do gain the strength to start this process all over again, I'm going to be different, lack a trust I give so bloody easily.

I keep a notepad close by and write every feeling and thought down. When my head can focus back on the writing, all these feelings and emotions will at least be useful in my stories. (Always look at the positives, Teresa!) It's already given me help with my third book... but Maddy's hero will come back.

I would never expect someone to stay with me if they didn't love me, or felt it wasn't right. I understand that. Just the way this happened, has left me at such a loss...

Don't worry... I know time is a big healer... This girl will be back to her full bouncy self soon... never let the bastards get you down and all that!

I want to thank all my friends that have been a fantastic support (and continue to do so). I love you all so much and I hope I can be there for you in equal strength in your times of trouble. x x x

And so it's back to buying myself flowers...

Found this on YouTube... I treated myself to Taylor Swift's 1989 album and started playing it tonight - all the songs are pretty apt for what I'm feeling right now but this one in particular is appropriate. "All you had to do was stay." (This is an acoustic version).

"Why did you have to lock me out when I let you in."

Lasting Memory

The picture I have attached I also shared on Facebook because I thought it was beautiful. I decided it sort of fits a subject I wanted to blog about.

Do you ever think about the last time you saw someone, and if you'd realised it would be your last time, what would you have done differently? Would you have said more? Or not changed a thing?

Does it make you cry? Laugh?

Are you happy or sad about the memory?

Last year my Grandma died, and although this was very sad, she was 89 years old (nearly 90), and it was what she wanted in the end. And we all know we've got to go in the end. I knew one day I would lose her.

She didn't want anyone seeing her as she got sick. In fact, in the past few years, she worried about seeing people and what they thought, with her ageing. I learnt that I had to just turn up to visit her (considering she lived on the Isle of Wight it took a bit of planning - but the boys enjoyed the short break!) because she would fret if she knew you were coming, if it was planned. Whereas if you just showed up, she was absolutely fine.

Luckily, the year before she died, I'd done just that. My husband and the boys stayed for a bit, then they went and watched the boats (she lived in Cowes) while I stayed with my Grandma for another hour. We talked about all sorts, about my dad (her son) and just things. But I remember her face, her voice, her mannerisms, and I'm sort of glad I never saw her sick, because I have a healthy memory of her. I remember her how she was. However, I do think about that being the last time I saw her alive, and if I'd realised then, would I have stayed longer? Should I have stayed longer? At the time I hadn't wanted to outstay my welcome. I didn't want to tire her out.

Now, I wished I'd just spent a tiny bit longer with her.

This applies to friends, lovers, anyone... sometimes you just don't realise that that last time you saw them, would be the actual last time for whatever reason. And depending on those reasons, do you think you would have done things differently?

You might be thinking what has this got to do with with writing. But the sentimental fool that I am often ponders over this feeling, especially with my Grandma as it sticks in my brain poignantly, and it is something I would like to explore in a story. In fact, everything we do, feel, experience, ends up in our writing whether we realise it or not.

To live and experience enables us to write, right?

So is there someone in your life, good or bad memories, that if you'd realised it would be the last time you saw them, you would have done or said things differently?