Sunday, 15 March 2015

Seeking The Light... Again!

Okay so this is going to be one of those heart-felt blog posts. I'll apologise now.

I remember back in 2012 I did a similar post when I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel... but it arrived, bright and full of promise. I've now been in my cosy little house 2 years, and I'm divorced, and my ex-husband and I have an amicable, even friendly, relationship. My kids are happy, I have two books published, I enjoy my post office job, and until recently I was happy too.

As most of you may know I was in a relationship with my Mr Aquarius. We'd met online and had been together just over 8 months. My boys loved him, we'd even become a lovely family unit. And I hoped I'd found the one. There's no guarantee - I know that. But we were good together. We laughed and had fun, which is the main thing. He ticked all the important boxes for me. I've spent the last 8 months moulding my life around his, including him, trying not to work too much during the evenings, and filling my weekends with him in them.

Well, two weeks ago he ended it all suddenly. I'm still not even sure it's clear to me why. All I know is that I'm suffering from a severe broken heart.

The last two weeks I have felt at times debilitated by grief. And he's not dead. But I've not known a loss like this for such a long time. Yeah, I've been dumped by guys before, but it's been after a shorter time, and deep down I knew it wasn't right either... but this... I'm just confused. My life feels like something is missing, void.

I play over and over times, memories, to see if I missed the signs. I go through moments of anger, hating him so much for how much he's hurt me, to missing him so badly I ache because I still love him. I can't just turn it off. I wish I could. I know it's something that will only fade and heal with time. (Just could do with Dr Who's damn Tardis right now).

Before I'd met Mr Aquarius, I had got used to being single, to spending Friday evenings on my own, coping with the quiet in my house at the weekends when the kids were at their Dad's. And I now have to do it all over again.

And the thought of having to date again makes my heart turn cold. I'm even worried this has affected me so much that when I do gain the strength to start this process all over again, I'm going to be different, lack a trust I give so bloody easily.

I keep a notepad close by and write every feeling and thought down. When my head can focus back on the writing, all these feelings and emotions will at least be useful in my stories. (Always look at the positives, Teresa!) It's already given me help with my third book... but Maddy's hero will come back.

I would never expect someone to stay with me if they didn't love me, or felt it wasn't right. I understand that. Just the way this happened, has left me at such a loss...

Don't worry... I know time is a big healer... This girl will be back to her full bouncy self soon... never let the bastards get you down and all that!

I want to thank all my friends that have been a fantastic support (and continue to do so). I love you all so much and I hope I can be there for you in equal strength in your times of trouble. x x x

And so it's back to buying myself flowers...

Found this on YouTube... I treated myself to Taylor Swift's 1989 album and started playing it tonight - all the songs are pretty apt for what I'm feeling right now but this one in particular is appropriate. "All you had to do was stay." (This is an acoustic version).

"Why did you have to lock me out when I let you in."

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