Fame or Karma?

I've been informed by a reliable source that my blog is becoming rather popular in a certain town near Bristol. Fame at last! Or maybe, finally, it's Karma?

So this one is for all of you!

And anyone grieving the loss of a relationship. Obviously.

When I first started writing about my heartache, it was the hope, as a writer, to get it off my chest, to ease some of the pain I was feeling. Now, my hope is that maybe women (and men) can read my story, see how poorly I was treated by He Who Shall Not Be Named, and having encountered the same sort of situation, can gather strength from what I've written. To know that they are not at fault, with their self-esteemed shattered, and that there will be light at the end of the tunnel. To know they are not alone.

He Who Shall Not Be Named should come with a health warning. (I quote a friend here actually!)

A man who sees himself as selfless can actually be deceivingly selfish. Everything has to be on his terms, and he'll be very good at manipulating you into his terms. As soon as you question those, as soon as you start to ask for something more, something that a real loving relationship deserves, he'll dump you, and move on (to his next victim) very quickly.

And you're quite within your rights to want more from a relationship, be it commitment, time, intimacy. You're not a doormat. You're not prepared to be used.

Another ex-girlfriend of my Ex (yes he's racked them up since me) has been in touch, to praise this blog. (Thank you, by the way). If you haven't read it, and as this year comes to a close, I want to show you how far I've come. And for those maybe feeling hurt and angry by the loss of a relationship, I am proof that your grief will ease.

My story starts here with When Will It Go Right?  I thought, with He Who Shall Not Be Named, I'd finally found the right one. I have been divorced nearly seven years now, and I am still single (and wonder what the fuck I am doing wrong - or why I seem to fall for the arseholes - where as I have  friends in similar positions who have found great guys, even married them). I feel I wasted 14 months of my life on him... when I could have been working towards a relationship with another guy... another guy I've potentially missed, because I was too loved up with HIM.

And as you read through the blog, I hope you see how much stronger I have become, although it does take time. How counselling helped, too.

I still feel today I was conned out of my heart. I am grateful I wasn't conned out of money, or worse, something could have happened to my kids. (I feel lucky in that respect.) I was just used really, for sex and for the feeling of being in a relationship when it suited him.

What has come to light from these two women now that have messaged me; he has had a girlfriend for two years... Yes, I'm doing the maths! He ended our relationship in August 2017... that's less than two years ago... So, He Who Shall Not Be Named, were you cheating on me, too?

If so, WHEN did you find the time?

Were the extravagant gifts a way to hide your guilt?

Are you introducing all these women to your kids?

And take a good hard look at yourself! For someone who prides himself as being a good guy, you are not!

Are you the kind of man you would want your daughter to date? Do you want her to be treated how you treat your girlfriends and lovers? Is this how you wish your son to grow up to be?

Please! Take responsibility as a role model to your children if nothing else!

Although, sadly, at 50, it is unlikely you will change your ways.

I am sickened. I did not know you. And it sickens me further that you continue to use women - and thought very little of our relationship if you can move on so swiftly. But you're doing it to women who are looking for a relationship, not a hook up... You're duping them. It's wrong.

If you're just wanting sex, at least be honest about it.

Give them the choice as to whether they want to be partial to this behaviour, these terms.

I don't want to give you the satisfaction by saying you've ruined me. But I am not the same person that you met in June 2016 (where I was in a good place), or the woman you destroyed in August 2017.

As a romance writer, I have always believed in romance... (hence you deceived me as I saw your gestures as romantic and not manipulation) but now I'm feeling more cynical about it. Is there such a thing as 'the one' or a 'soul mate'?

I'll continue to write it... give women that escapism they need, but whether I believe in it, is another thing...

You have toughened me up. I have made my peace. I will go through life not relying on a man (well maybe one; my Dad). Where I get to be, the successes (and maybe the failures) will be down to me. And me alone.

I will be financially and emotionally independent. I will be responsible for my happiness.

For this knowledge I no longer need a man. I would like one, but to be honest, I can't be doing with the drama, I have too many good friends to keep in touch with, I'm not even sure I have the time to date.

And do I really want the heartache again?

Can I trust the next man, when you - a man you said I could trust - deceived me into loving you?


Note to those who may wish to share their grievances, if you would like to message me privately, please feel free to do so via my Facebook page. 

A Letter To My Ex

Dear Ex,

If you're going to private message me via my Facebook Page, you might want to unblock me to maybe allow me to reply.

I won't. (But even if I wanted to, I actually can't.)

Neither will I take down the post.

(Dear readers, apparently he doesn't like this post, He prided himself on being such a good man see, but 4 months in counselling told me a very different story. There's an article too about men sending inappropriate pictures that I posted, maybe he's not liking this either). 

I will not do either of these things (reply or remove post) because 1) I am blocked, and I've never done anything wrong, 2) I owe you nothing, yet you owe me 14 months of my life back, and 3) it's the truth, and it's my blog, so bite me.

I could list more, but these are good enough reasons.

Oh, maybe, I've never had an apology, or an explanation why you're such an F@ckwit.

However, with reference to the last part of your message, and you stating that you 'massively misread the situation at the start of our relationship', I would like to point out that you completely and utterly misread the whole of our relationship. I was working towards a future together. You however, was always going to bolt as soon as your terms got questioned.

So, on that note, hope life's treating you well shit.

Your Ex.

I Think I've Found Closure

So, last week something rather random happened. I was contacted via Facebook by an ex of my Ex (I now like to call him He Who Should Not Be Named or the other begins with a C and is rather rude for this blog). She is the one (of many by the sounds of things) after me.

Through messaging, I have discovered that he has made her feel like they were soulmates, deeply in love, and then, without warning, suddenly ending their relationship. Sound familiar?

She was so apologetic for getting in touch, but felt she needed to. I told her I didn't mind at all. This time last year I had wanted to do the same, to gather some understanding to what the hell had happened to a perfectly good relationship (or so I thought it was).

Now, I never in a million years thought I could empathise like this, and feel so much for her well-being. I mean she's an ex of an ex, right? I thought I would feel a jealousy, or something not anywhere near what I do feel for her.

He has hurt her too, breaking her heart. She is me, a year ago.

This has highlighted to me that I did not know the man I was dating. I don't recognise the man she tells me about, what he's doing, what he's done to her, what he's doing to other women. He's a liar and a cheat. A manipulative bastard.

He still sends dick pics - even when I stressed very strongly women do not need to see these sort of pictures, especially before actually dating, or having sex!

Friends said to me earlier in the year, that one day I would look back on the 14 months we shared together and I will have fond memories of them.

At the moment I can't see it. I look back and think of it all as lies and deceit. I don't know that man! The way it ended has also soiled those memories for me, too. And I'm not sure I want to look back on them fondly, because I couldn't understand what went wrong.

All I feel is that I wasted 14 months of my life working on a relationship he was never actually interested in.

She said to me that she felt so stupid and naive. SO DID I!

All I do know is I'm in such a good place right now, and learning these things about him has helped me get closure. And I hope, I'm helping this other woman, too, with the counselling I gained. And from the fact that he's done it again, reassures us and shows that there is nothing wrong with us, and it is all on him.

So now there are two of us praying he meets a psycho-bitch from hell who will make his life a living nightmare! Maybe we should start a Facebook group - He Who Shall Not Be Named Ex's. 😹

If I Were An Animal...

So true! 

Do you know what the hardest thing I'm still trying to over come? Still, after 10 weeks...

What I find hard is the fact you're going about your days without me in them. I don't even know if you miss me, give a shit about me, or anything? Do you even think about me? Wonder what I'm doing? Do you even care? Clearly not...

Yet, I still catch myself wondering about you...

It hurts that you did everything in your power to convince me that you wanted me in your life, then discarded me once you were done with me, that I no longer fitted into your terms.

It's a bit like Cora or Regina, the witches in Once Upon A Time. You've pulled out my heart, and crushed it with your bare hands.

I'm back at awful currently, but it could be worse I know.

Each day gets easier. I don't cry every day. I still get upset when I talk about you, my voice betrays me. But I still miss what we had, knowing it will never come back and can't believe you're no longer in my life. That thought still catches my breath, every day.

I miss you more when I've got the free time I would have been sharing with you. I miss that I don't have someone to tell the silly little things of what's going on in my day...  I miss that I don't have someone to cuddle and kiss, hold hands with... I miss having a partner.

It's like those 14 months were a dream. I'm Bobby Ewing stepping out of the shower... and I've gone back to June 2016 before I met you.

But the hate is setting in now. The rage that I was deceived, cheated into believing I was in a loving, safe, strong relationship. That you loved me...

I may learn to forgive you, one day... But I will never ever forget.

My counsellor asked if I were an animal, what would I be? I answered a bird in the end, because they seem to never stay still, always flitting about, which I thought represented my mind as well as me physically. Now I realise I'm more like an elephant. Head strong, determined, passionate about life but will never forget those who've hurt me.

I Need To Find My Voice

Do you know what frustrates and angers me the most, what even hurts me more? The fact you will never know how much you have hurt me (and my children), how much you have disappointed me. That the man you turned into I never saw a hint of in the time we were together.

You will never know that I still cry, I still think about you. I still miss the days of when we were together, and I thought we were both happy and good for each other. I still wake up every morning and think 'shit he's not in my life any more'. It feels like a bad dream... seven weeks on...

I'm even left wondering what you tell your friends. 'We weren't meant to be', when you spent fourteen months convincing me that we were?

The counselling has helped me look at our relationship. I almost feel ashamed to have been so weak (as I consider myself strong) and even in some ways that I was conned/controlled by you. But I didn't see it. I wanted to please you, make you happy, so I did everything I could. And you lead me to believe you were doing the same for me... You were a man who prided yourself on being a good, decent, honest man. And you appeared that way too. You were generous, loving and thoughtful - so I believed... I thought you selfless but you were selfish...

Because a good man would work at a relationship when times get tough, and a decent man would not shower his lover with gifts only to walk away from her when things weren't quite going his way. A good man would have chosen 'us'.

I realise that in the year before you met me, you'd lived a rigid life, you'd got into a routine with work, your hobbies and your children. And although they (to quote you) 'weren't enough', when you were looking for a relationship, you wanted it to fit in around your routine and your kids. You weren't flexible, or pliable. The relationship would have to be under your terms. And only your terms. And I look back and realise how much it was! Yes, you conformed a little, in the beginning in order to keep me sweet, to entrap me, to convince me to trust you and fall in love. After all, I was an attractive, intelligent woman with a bubbly personality. You wanted me on your arm. (A trophy girlfriend maybe?)

But as soon as I started to find my voice, and air things that didn't please me - and these were only usually times when you were failing to choose us - you ended our relationship. It no longer made you happy.*

No discussion, no compromise, over.

And these were things, in a normal loving relationship that should be allowed to be discussed. I did nothing wrong I realise now. I was never unreasonable.

So yes, I feel deceived, I feel hurt. I put my all into something you weren't prepared to even meet me with half way. You waited until I had fully trusted our relationship, that I felt safe within it, then you let me go. You gave me promises you couldn't keep because you weren't prepared to develop the relationship, keep it moving forward.

You need a woman who will just slot into your routine without a quibble. Good luck with finding that kind of woman. In the meantime, I hope Karma finds her way to you.

And for me, the next man, I have to learn to speak up and have my voice heard sooner - so they can decide whether to stick around or leave me before they can hurt me. They'll need to prove their worth.

I thought I was honest and outspoken, but clearly when it comes to the fear of sounding unreasonable or demanding, I hold back.

It's not about being selfish, it's about my well-being. I need to be stronger.



(*Feel free to respond if you disagree with me - or I've got this wrong some how).

For anyone reading this blog post and are considering counselling, I would recommend it - Please message me if you'd like further advice.

I Can Do Single But....

I was thinking the other day, as I was driving, why I felt so sad.

I mean, obviously, I'm upset at the moment. I'm devastated; I miss the man I thought I was spending the rest of my life with.

Past experience assures me, that with time being a great healer, I will cope and enjoy being single again. I can do single. Easy. I don't need a man.

I'm already seeing the benefits, catching up with friends, trying out different restaurants... I feel in some ways, I've been set free.

However, what makes me sad is that all I want is to be with a partner, to have someone to share my life with. After fourteen months sharing my life with someone, I really miss that. It has proved it's what I want.

I no longer have someone to text my ups and downs to, to share all my thoughts and news, whether insignificant or significant. I wanted a partner to have mini adventures with. I have no one to love.

Being single is great. I can do what I want to do and when - money permitting. But it can be a lonely path at times when all your friends are loved up and busy with their own partners.

Another worry I have is what will the next man in my life be like? When will I feel this happiness again I was feeling this past year? Will they be better, more suitable?

They're going to have to be, if honest, because I won't settle for less. I would rather be single.

But I have this fear the past two relationships have now caused, that when it's all going smoothly, will one day he leave me, with no clear explanation, and not prepared to work at the relationship.

Can my heart take that again?

Back To Kissing Frogs...

So I discovered I wrote this back in August 2015. But for some reason I never posted it. Maybe, I was concerned of the professionalism as a writer, or that I do look like a bitter, twisted woman...

However, since having been in a fourteen month relationship, that has yet again ended due to the guy not wanting to choose 'us' and not wanting to work at the relationship, I feel I want to post what I wrote two years ago.

I'm learning men don't fall in love, they just become infatuated... and think it's love. And when the honeymoon period is over, they're off. I think men look for perfection more than women do. We are far more realistic - even me, the romance novelist...

The way my heart aches at the moment, a month on, I know I was in love. (I'm not quite in the happy place I was when I wrote this 2 years ago).

Tonight, I'm wondering what film to watch - maybe it's time I dig out #HesJustNotThatIntoYou again....

The third book is finished, and I'm editing my fourth, which involves online dating and my past experiences of it.

Anyway, this is what I wrote - two years ago! Oh, the irony... : 

I've been told that my profile (when I was on an on-line dating site) was refreshingly down to earth and honest.

But where does it get me?

Sometimes, when I'm feeling really depressed about it all, (I'm getting better) I feel like the men I have met have taken what they want from me, then moved on...

If I'm so bloody lovely, why hasn't one stuck around? (I'm kinda glad a couple haven't actually, looking back. But only time shows you this).

I have vowed to watch #HesJustNotThatIntoYou on are regular basis as a basic reminder.

I have told myself I will no longer chase men. I never really did the chasing - as a romance writer, I like the guy to make the first move - but when one shows an interest, and I get a bit attached, I then find myself doing all the work... and they're not. And there's a clue there really, isn't there? So from now on, thy shall not chase!

Thoughts keep going on around in my head of what I'd really like to put as my profile, because of all the bull I've had to listen to over the past few years. Clearly, I can't post it, because I would definitely not attract anyone, (only bitter losers who'd want to snipe back) and would look like some bitter, twisted, deranged, bunny-boiler of a woman. And I am not this. Honest. I am not!

A little crazy at times... but not weird.

But I am a little bit sick of guys wanting to find a genuine woman... only not to be all that genuine themselves, carrying god knows what baggage. If I have learnt one thing from all of this, men carry more baggage than women. OMG! Yes they do! And I thought they were the ones with balls.

My problem is I'm too honest, and I like to make sure we're on the same page from the off. So I highlight, that at the end of the day, my goal is to find someone to be in a relationship with. I think, when I start talking about this, they're hearing goddamn wedding bells. All I'm trying to say is I want to meet one guy... I am NOT looking for casual sex.

However, I'm not looking someone to move in and play father figure to my kids, I don't want to move in with them either. I'm just looking for someone I can share my time with, to do things, visit places, have fun together!

What I have also learnt about myself is that I am an 'all or nothing' type of girl. If you can't give me your all, I want nothing from you.

This is perfect, except the sweaty palms bit lol!

I will say, now taking this vow to not go looking for love, these past few weeks I have been in a much better place in my head. Yeah, sure, I worry I'm going to die lonely. But I am actually happier, concentrating on me, and finishing this third book. In the meantime, it looks like this princess will have to be prepared to kiss a few frogs... when she's ready...

Moving On

The last couple of days I've been immersed in my editing, and it hasn't allowed the head space to dwell on missing you.

I'm still waking up in the morning, though, thinking of you. I can't believe you're no longer in my life, that you're no longer my future. This stops me in my tracks at times.

When I do allow myself time to grieve, the ache in my chest returns and I feel so sad.

My friend gave me a Relate book called Moving On (Breaking Up without Breaking Down). I finished it last night, which has given me some hope I'll find happiness again.

One thing the book suggested was not to stop doing the things we enjoyed doing together. Therefore, I have been watching Gotham season 3 which is new to Neflix. We used to watch Gotham together. We devoured two seasons.

It doesn't really feel so good to watch it alone - only because I remember us cuddled on the sofa with a glass of wine, and both commenting about the twists. It was our treat once the kids were in bed.

Anyway, Lee has returned (who was Gordon's love interest  in the previous seasons) and in one of the early episodes she tells Gordon how he broke her heart, how she cried herself to sleep at night. I wonder if I'd been watching this with you we'd have realised the poignancy of Lee and Gordon

I was so with Lee.

I've pretty much cried every single day so far. Either as I'm about to go to bed, or for instance like writing this blog post, or when I'm in the car and a song comes on that feels poignant. Pink - What About Us is a good one!

You told me 'we weren't meant to be.' We were never meant to be if you weren't prepared to work at us, our relationship....

Moving On Is The Hardest Part

It's four weeks since you drove off, making this is the fifth weekend I've been left to my own devices. The past few weekends I have filled with friends and family, but this one I have chosen to sit it out alone.

I've got to get used to it at some point, right?

I mean, for the last year I have spent pretty much every weekend with you, usually at your house with your kids...

I did everything I could to fit in, to please you. I tried not to make demands, I just wanted to love you, and in return you love me.

You are still in my thoughts everyday. Sometimes I'm angry - that you weren't prepared to work at our relationship, you just walked away. Sometimes I'm just in shock that you're no longer a part of my life. It makes my heart physically ache. I just can't believe it - I pray I'm dreaming. Each day I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that you are no longer my future. At the moment I don't feel whole. I feel incomplete. And it's up to me to fix this gap, learn to be happy on my own, single again.

Friends ask if I've heard from you and I tell them no. I'm not surprised that you haven't contacted me - I did lash out to hurt you, because I was hurting myself. But, to be honest, if you can leave me so quickly, without a backwards glance, you can see how I question the sincerity of your love. I can see how you don't really care... Was it infatuation, did I just fill a gap, and once you were done, you discarded me?

I think what hurts me the most is that you knew I was afraid of this happening to me again. And yet you still did it.

Every Single Day

Every single day I say, "What have you done?" and I ask, "what did I do?"

Every single day I miss you. I am so sad that this has turned so wrong.

Each day I look back at all the good stuff we had, all the laughs and giggles, the kisses and the cuddles, all the fun memories, all the things that remind me we were good together.

Every single day I cry, I grieve... my love turns to a rage. And I mourn.

I want you to call me, for what good it will do. I know we can't go back to what we had, even if we wanted it to.

Every morning I wake up wishing it was just a bad dream, and you're still in my life...

And each night, you're in my thoughts and I wish I could understand what happened to "us".

When Will It Go Right?

And here I am again, brokenhearted.

I had hoped I wouldn't get to feel like this again. I trusted you to stick with me through thick and thin.

But here I am, lost again.

I grieve the loss of a love, a relationship... a man who I thought was my forever.

No more text messages in the morning, or last thing at night, even though you're still my first waking thoughts, and who I think of late in the evening, tucked up in bed. And I wonder what you're doing during the day, because I no longer have that contact with you.

My phone is silent, yet I look at it in the hope you'll text to say you miss me, like I miss you, so so much.

My heart hollow, I walk about empty, a dull ache in my chest, my head clouded and foggy, wondering how I got to this point, how did we become so broken, so quickly. How can I feel so happy one day and so devastated the next?

No more kisses, or cuddles, no more snuggles on the sofa watching our favourite TV shows and sharing a bottle of wine, no more little touches or making love...

My love for you has turned to a rage, yet I still love you. I'm trying not to think about you, I'm trying to go on about my day. But occasionally a memory will stop me in my tracks. I have cried too many tears.

I know time heals. I know my love for you will dull, and I will find peace... It just takes so long... For now I need to learn to live with missing you, this emptiness, this gap you've left in my life.

Positivity has left me; I'm starting to believe my only happy ever afters are the ones I write...

New Chapter, New Mantra...

Always look for positives in situations.

My friend posted the link below on my Facebook profile. (I then shared it to my page.)

15 things you should stop putting yourself through

I tend to put myself through the mill when bad things happen to me i.e. relationship break ups. I really give myself a hard time.

I have to reassure myself I am not a bad person, I am reasonable and understanding, that my flaws (actually another friend has told me not to call them that) - quirks are quite normal. Everyone has them. No one is perfect.

Some human beings are better than others. Some are diabolical. I am not one of those human beings.

Me, I need to stop doubting myself. I need to listen to my inner voice. And I do need to stop dwelling on the past... but that's quite hard because I think that's in me, my make-up. But I do let go eventually... time will help me.

Oh, and the most important one of all in the above link. Point 11 - STOP WORRYING!

I am a born worrier! (It's one of my quirks!)

Anyway, with April here, and the heart break lessening... although far from gone. (Still wake up every day thinking of him. The other day I was missing him so bad, wondering what we'd be doing together in the sunshine... Today, I missed that I couldn't text him and tell him what the boys and I were up to. I still cry when I tell myself I should no longer. I really am grieving the loss of a relationship.)

So if you need to start the day on a positive note, and need to rebuild your self-esteem and self-worth... read the above blog - all 15 points. And bookmark it.

I'm putting dates in my diary, making time for friends, making time for me. I need to get my third book written; the past 5 weeks have been disastrous with my lack of focus.

I'm trying to focus. I'm trying to be more positive... Because the more positive I look at life, the more someone is going find me attractive and want to be apart of my life - for good. This is my hope, and aim.

I have learnt that the next relationship I enter I will make them make promises to me. I know nothing is forever, I've certainly learnt this recently. However, they can promise to work at the relationship and not give up on it.

In the meantime, I'm going to get used to being single and buy myself flowers.

Hello April

Goodbye, March, and HELLO, April!

Thank goodness, because it's been a difficult month. I've done hardly any writing... I haven't been able to focus. Maybe I'll look back this time next year and think what the hell was all the fuss about? I've actually torn off the month from my calendar and put it in the memory jar for this purpose. Usually I bin them.

This doesn't mean anything is easier. Even now, one month on, I keep remembering and reliving all the happy moments, which make my heart skip and gives me butterflies, and then I'm consumed with sadness because I'll never have those moments with him again...

I think about the last night we slept together and cuddled, the last time we made love... and not realising it was the last time. Would I have done things differently?

I have moments where my heart aches. I stop mid-track in whatever I'm doing and think about him. I still miss him. I'm not sure when that feeling is going to go away. Even the boys miss him...

I think what confuses me the most is how one day everything appeared perfectly fine, and the next day it all went terribly wrong. I feel deceived, duped... I look back and wonder when our relationship became a lie. When did I stop being right for him?

The last time this happened to me was twenty years ago, with my second boyfriend. We had five intense months together and then he turned his love off like a tap - he was cheating on me.

I know with time these feelings will ease, and when eventually (I realise this may take some time!) I find another man (I just hope I don't have to go through too many broken hearts to find him) this will all be a long distant memory... and I'll be able to smile at the good times again, or I won't care about them, because I'll be creating even happier moments.

Found this on my pc and thought I'd share ha ha!

For the last few weeks I've believed his depression was the reason he'd pushed me away... because he would tell me he still loved me... Therefore, I thought when he's well again he'll want me back in his life. And so I have wanted to do the right thing by standing by him. That was my hope, even if it was a glimmer. However, really those little faults of mine are the reason he's ended the relationship and that he no longer sees me in his future.

I was not right for him - and that's all he had to tell me one month ago. Not hide behind his illness.

At least I can say I tried. I proved how much I can love, how much I'm prepared to make a relationship work. Now I need to remember the good times and not blame myself. I mustn't listen to my demons, the ones that whisper maybe I'd pushed him away, or I wasn't doing something I should have been doing for him - all those fears and insecurities that creep in and worry me...

I can't keep going round in circles (but I do), trying to work out where it went wrong. I need to draw a line under it and move on. At the end of the day, what I did or didn't do doesn't matter... he just didn't love me enough.

Women love far deeper than men realise.

Seeking The Light... Again!

Okay so this is going to be one of those heart-felt blog posts. I'll apologise now.

I remember back in 2012 I did a similar post when I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel... but it arrived, bright and full of promise. I've now been in my cosy little house 2 years, and I'm divorced, and my ex-husband and I have an amicable, even friendly, relationship. My kids are happy, I have two books published, I enjoy my post office job, and until recently I was happy too.

As most of you may know I was in a relationship with my Mr Aquarius. We'd met online and had been together just over 8 months. My boys loved him, we'd even become a lovely family unit. And I hoped I'd found the one. There's no guarantee - I know that. But we were good together. We laughed and had fun, which is the main thing. He ticked all the important boxes for me. I've spent the last 8 months moulding my life around his, including him, trying not to work too much during the evenings, and filling my weekends with him in them.

Well, two weeks ago he ended it all suddenly. I'm still not even sure it's clear to me why. All I know is that I'm suffering from a severe broken heart.

The last two weeks I have felt at times debilitated by grief. And he's not dead. But I've not known a loss like this for such a long time. Yeah, I've been dumped by guys before, but it's been after a shorter time, and deep down I knew it wasn't right either... but this... I'm just confused. My life feels like something is missing, void.

I play over and over times, memories, to see if I missed the signs. I go through moments of anger, hating him so much for how much he's hurt me, to missing him so badly I ache because I still love him. I can't just turn it off. I wish I could. I know it's something that will only fade and heal with time. (Just could do with Dr Who's damn Tardis right now).

Before I'd met Mr Aquarius, I had got used to being single, to spending Friday evenings on my own, coping with the quiet in my house at the weekends when the kids were at their Dad's. And I now have to do it all over again.

And the thought of having to date again makes my heart turn cold. I'm even worried this has affected me so much that when I do gain the strength to start this process all over again, I'm going to be different, lack a trust I give so bloody easily.

I keep a notepad close by and write every feeling and thought down. When my head can focus back on the writing, all these feelings and emotions will at least be useful in my stories. (Always look at the positives, Teresa!) It's already given me help with my third book... but Maddy's hero will come back.

I would never expect someone to stay with me if they didn't love me, or felt it wasn't right. I understand that. Just the way this happened, has left me at such a loss...

Don't worry... I know time is a big healer... This girl will be back to her full bouncy self soon... never let the bastards get you down and all that!

I want to thank all my friends that have been a fantastic support (and continue to do so). I love you all so much and I hope I can be there for you in equal strength in your times of trouble. x x x

And so it's back to buying myself flowers...

Found this on YouTube... I treated myself to Taylor Swift's 1989 album and started playing it tonight - all the songs are pretty apt for what I'm feeling right now but this one in particular is appropriate. "All you had to do was stay." (This is an acoustic version).

"Why did you have to lock me out when I let you in."