My Manuscript Has Left The Building

So could we please have all fingers and toes crossed! 

I've resent my manuscript off to two publishers with some edits suggested by one of the editors. 

I've weaved in more of the post office and the scandal - that's another blog post - as well as changed the prologue. 

But I'm still not confident it's enough. 

This story is not different to the style of my other six, but I'm struggling to get the attention of a publisher (or an agent.)

I write warm, fun, and uplifting romances. I try to keep it real for the reader within reason. It's escapism but I like my heroes to be in real situations, so the reader can feel like they'd bump into them on the street. 

I love all the heroes I write, but this one may well be my favourite. So it's frustrating that I can't get him out in the world! 

Actually, all the heroes I've written are always my favourite at the time of writing them, and if I had to choose which was my favourite book I'd written, I don't think I could actually choose.

Plus One is one of my favourite tropes. One Fine Day has Superman references, and is inspired by Bradley Cooper, and whilst writing Meet Me At Wisteria Cottage I was picturing the gorgeous Henry Cavill who I had a huge crush at the time. (Still have, it if truth be told.) 

But this particular hero is not as traditional as the ones I usually write. He's a little darker, distant, rough around the edges. Yet, he's got such a kind heart. He's looks a complete mess, covered in oil as a motor mechanic, but scrubs up hot hot hot! I can't even imagine telling you who my inspiration is for this hero, or what show he comes from as it is far from romantic. 

Anyway, my out of office is on. I'm going to bury my head in cocktails and Cypriot food for the next week. I have decided, as this book has been two years in the constant writing and editing, I may well self-publish it, just to get it out there, while I find a publishing home for it. 

Watch this space. 

Well, well, well...

Well, well, well...

It's been a while since I updated you on my romantic (or not so romantic) liaisons. Last summer, I met a guy who I thought could be The One. We got on so well, talking about everything! It was crazy.

Then, of course, he ended it saying he wasn't ready for a relationship. I blogged about it here.

This spurred me to do something rather unlikely. With a lot of badgering from my writery friends, I applied to First Dates. (As I no longer have an online dating profile anywhere! Yep, deleted them all.)

Then one month later he came back into my life.

Let's call him #MrWells.

Now, this happened all before Christmas... (And I wrote this post before Christmas but decided it wasn't the right time of year to start ranting about idiotic men ann didn't want to taint the Christmas spirit!)

I'm not sure I want to get into the long and the short of it, only that yet again, he was a man with issues.  (Why do I always find the men with issues?) And with my past experience in counselling, the counsellor in my head now tells me I did nothing wrong. Because I did nothing wrong. (Wait till you hear it).

All I will say is, ladies, avoid men with issues. Do not empathise, sympathise, even dream of loving them, do not fear that they will be lonely. In fact, let them be exactly that. Lonely. They do not deserve you because if they do not love themselves then they will not love or respect you. And to be honest, I think they love themselves a little too much in some twisted way, and will not give two shits about you.

After two weeks of no communication from #MrWells, which I was to assume our relationship had expired, he messaged me via email. Am I to presume he deleted my number out of his phone (as I have done with his if truth be told). An email?!

And all it reads is along the lines of sorry it didn't work out between us. Still no explanation. No thank you for returning his watch. (I'll get to that).

I deleted the email without responding. I felt that as I had nothing nice to say it was best to say nothing at all.

However, you know me, I do like to have my say... so I thought I'd blog about it instead.

Dear reader, do you want to know what he did?

We've had a lovely evening, everything appeared great between us (so I thought). We'd only been seeing each other a couple of months - well it's about 4 months from 1st date, but we had a wobble which really should have told me then to walk away. (See link above.)

We watched some TV (like normal couples do) and went to bed, made love....

Now we aren't familiar yet with sleeping together regularly, so at 2am (ish) it wasn't surprising for him to say he couldn't sleep. However, he insisted he would go into one of the boys' rooms. Now being a lot bigger than me, and my boys both have cabin beds, I suggested I go and he stay in my bed.

But he insisted I stay in my own bed. So I made up the sofa bed in my son's room and left him to it. At around 2.40am #MrWells is entering my bedroom, using his phone as a torch, rummaging around in the ensuite. (Honestly it was like a burglar!) When I ask him what he's doing, he says he's gathering his belongings, he can't sleep, he's going home.

Now we'd made plans to do something together Sunday. In this growing relationship, I'd hoped we would get to spend the day together. So, in my confused and very tired state, I'm asking if he's coming back. I help him find other items that he would clearly have behind otherwise - he's a bloke after all - and see him on his way.

I can't sleep straight away, so I put all the sofa bed back etc. In the morning, I've received a message which says he's "home" at 3.43am. I reply, "Hey best text me once you're up."

NEVER GOT A REPLY UNTIL THAT EMAIL OVER 2 WEEKS LATER!

I sent his watch back to him via special delivery when my friends said I should just smash it, or just not bother sending it back until he contacted me. He didn't even thank me!

After knowing how #HeWhoShallNotBeNamed had treated me, confiding in him about the counselling, this is how I am treated! I am soooooo sick of it.

Why me? Why do these fucking arseholes come near me?

I wouldn't mind if they were drop dead gorgeous and fit as fuck, but no, they're average arseholes. And I'm so soft I let them in.

I'm really sorry to say this but the next guy really does have his work cut out to convince me he is worth his salt. Because I am DONE!

I am very happily single.

Why I Don't Have Time To Date

I've been meaning to blog again the past few weeks. In August, I will have been single two years. I have dated - or tried to - but nothing has stuck. (I really did want one guy to stick, but we just didn't quite have the right chemistry for me).

In these two years I've attended counselling, I've self counselled, and I have got on with my life and made time for my good friends. I've had some lovely mini-adventures, too!

I'm now in such a routine with keeping in contact with these wonderful people, I rarely have a spare weekend to myself. I've a great social life - it would be even better if money allowed!

I've taken the advice of Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway, and made sure all parts of my life are full and important. I'm not going to make one person my whole world. From family, to friends and career, I've tried to concentrate on it all that makes me happy.

I don't have a huge quantity of friends, I have a few that make time for me, so I make time for them. And I love them all. These are the friends that have helped me through my lows, and rejoiced and celebrated my highs. These people are important to me and my sanity!

So I'm not going to give that up, right?

A gentle reminder to myself... 

The thing is, I do really want to find that one person to share everything with. There's a part of me who needs to, if only to confirm to me that when He Who Shall Not Be Named ended our relationship, it was the best thing he could have done for me. He set me free!

I know it is the best thing he could have done for me. I mean, who wants to remain in an unhealthy and unfair relationship? However, the way he did treat me, when I thought he was being sincere, is all I ever wanted. I just want to be loved.

And if I don't find that again? What happens? He's the last man I loved? He's the last man who 'loved' me?

It's as if I need to meet someone to make sense of my past.

I hope this is true!

So, I have to believe there is someone out there who will love me so much more than He Who Shall Not Be Named. And imagine how that's going to feel?

I shouldn't let this man have a hold of me, but he does. I want proof there is better out there, and I deserve it. Otherwise it all feels like a fraud... for someone who writes romance, I can get cynical. And I don't want to be cynical. I want to believe there is someone out there for everyone.

A few weeks ago, I opened myself back up to online-dating, only a day or two later to hide my profile. I realised I was just too busy to make a date with these guys - the few decent ones amongst the baggage-ridden dross.

This is great in someways, right? I'm too busy to date. The right guy's really going to need to stick out, yes?

Therefore, do I leave it to fate? Will the right guy come along in his own good time? However, I've actually been single on and off now for nearly seven years.... I'm not sure I'm patient enough for fate!

The way of the world these days, online dating seems the only way to meet new guys. But why does it have to be so time consuming, and sometimes, even feel demoralising?

Three Years Today...

I know this is Casanova and not The Doctor... 

I'm still waiting for a damn time machine to be invented, or Dr Who is real (in David Tennant form please) or maybe I should get a hot tub (and it turns out to be a time machine...) so that I can be taken back in time to today, three years ago.

I don't think I'd be able to get around all the 52% of the country who voted us to leave the EU, but I could go back to me on my first date with He Who Shall Not Be Named.



There are two scenarios I play out, but I can't decide which would be best.

I could return and tell myself to bleed him dry.

I mean, I accepted the gifts because I believed he loved and cared about me. I never asked for these extravagances, or expected him to spend what he did on me. But I could have asked for so much more, and he probably would have provided it. However, I am not that person. I used to go mad at him when he bought me something expensive.

So really, the only other option, which would save myself the heartache and the counselling afterwards, would be to go back and tell him where to stick his dick pics.

In fact, let me stick them there for you!

What people will never get, never understand is it was you who convince me that we were meant to be. Even now, I still can't believe I'm not with you. (Though I am glad I am not!)

I am strong, I am happy, but I am not the same person I once was before meeting you. But I'm getting there.

We're Not Allowed To Say This....

But... 

Sometimes there is a cause to say "Man the fuck up!"

I'll apologise now, as I may offend some maybe with the above statement but I am angry, and passionate about the way I feel. This is me! Maybe you'll understand if you read further.

So, I was dating someone and we joked about how busy we were etc. but we found the time to have the first date, and that went well. Over a week later we had the 2nd date and then a couple of weeks later we had a third.

This was slow dating for me, and each date felt like the first, with the nerves, because so much time had passed between each one we had to get to know one another again. But maybe this was a good thing, I thought, (and so did my friends) as I seemed to get swept off my feet, and then come crashing down with a bang.

Anyway, last weekend (and I'd told him prior), I said I could make myself available for a drink on the Saturday evening.

Saturday arrived, and I was texting, "Are we meeting?" a little to my annoyance, as a girl really wants to be asked out by the boy. Even in The Big Bang Theory episode (Season 2 episode 2 The Codpiece Topology) I laughed as Leslie, very clinically, let Leonard be the man to organise the dates and telling him to call her.

My response to this text was that he was at a friends.

Now I don't have a problem with that. Only if he was interested, which I believed he was, as he'd been messaging me since our last date, two weeks before, he should have said, "Sorry I have plans that night, but are you free Friday or Sunday?"

I replied with a jokey text about our next date really would be June 2020 (as it had been our little joke with each of us having busy schedules).

I've not heard anything since.

I mean, Sunday, I received no text from him. And I refused to text first. 1) Because I was the last to text, and 2) If he's interested in me then he'd message, right?

NOTHING!

So here is where I believe he should Man The Fuck Up! 

Surely I deserve an explanation, even a simple, "Sorry, I don't think this will work out." ???

No, I get the cowardice and rude approach of just leaving it dead in the air when ironically his online profile states something about being a gentleman....

And my friends wonder why I have self-esteem issues! (Although I know I've done nothing wrong.)

I believe this is an adequate example of when a man should "(gentle)man up" - in my opinion. Agreed?

Off to watch He's Just Not That Into You....

A Mahooosive Twelve Today!

Happy 12th Birthday, Kieran! 

This will be my last year of only having one Teenager in the house. Next year, it all changes, I'm a mum to teenagers. Not teenager.

Happy birthday to my funny, cuddly, footballing, Fortnite geek!







When you're good, you're brilliant. (When you're stubborn, we do clash!)

You help me around the house just by being organised and independent. When I can pull you away from the PlayStation, you're helpful ha ha!

I soon realised and appreciated how much you did when you broke your collar bone and became dependent on me again.



You do make me proud. But your true character shone recently with breaking your collar bone. You were determined to go into school the next day! You were incredibly brave, tolerated the pain and never complained. You really did just get on with it.

You have always been the comedian of the family, the giggler. Always keep that sense of humour!

Keep up the good work, you're growing into a great young man!

To Tinder Or Not To Tinder

So, the other night, I'm lying in bed thinking, like normal, rather than sleeping... and it's going through my head, do I join Tinder for research purposes?

I mean, at the moment, I'm not really that fussed about dating. I'm liking life single. And well, we all know how depressed I get when I start going online and see the dross I have to put up with.

However, on the phone the other day to my agent, discussing future books, my writing career etc. etc. etc. and she said something about the online dating I'd used in the book that's been rejected; it didn't have the swiping left and right which is associated with online dating. And I replied, that is only if you want a shag. Those genuinely wanting to find a relationship actually look at profiles and message. And besides, I was basing my fictional online dating site on something like Plenty Of Fish, where there is the 'Meet Me' facility. But you don't need to swipe to message one another. You can view profiles and send messages without swiping. The 'Meet Me' is actually a paid for option.

I think those that haven't used online dating, don't realise that it is not the only way to meet people. Different sites work in different ways. And I tried to incorporate that into the 'rejected' book. (Book 4 as it's the 4th book I've written).

So, I'm thinking, having NEVER been on Tinder, should I go on there and see what the whole swiping left and right thing does?

Or do I want to get sucked into another dating app which will waste my life and make me miserable.

But it's for research...

Anyone been on Tinder... can you recommend?

Do Soulmates Exist?

Do you believe in soulmates?

As a romantic novelist I do... I'm writing about them, aren't I? But in reality, do they really exist?

This month marks that I have been separated/divorced from my ex-husband seven years. In this time, through online dating, I have met quite a few a couple of guys, and one in particular really did make me think I'd found my soulmate. But it wasn't to be. He Who Shall Not Be Named conned me out of my heart basically. I won't go into too much detail in this blog post. Let's just say I've written enough discussing it in the past. You can start here if you like. But I did waste 14 months of my life on the wrong man who made me believe he was my Mr Right.

Anyway, seven years single... on and off... and I'm still wondering will I find my Mr Right? Will I find someone who ticks most of the boxes. Maybe 'ticking boxes' is a crude term, but we all have things we look for in a partner, don't we? (Or is it just as we get older?)

And I'm not talking about materialistic boxes, I'm talking about their personality, their attitudes and beliefs in life. (Some of the materialistic ones are important too - you're a liar if you say they are not). These boxes are what help us click.

The longer I live a single life, the more I'm getting to enjoy it, and I'm not even sure I want to make time for someone else. But then occasionally I miss the kisses, the cuddles, the intimacy, someone to share everything with.

I did meet a guy last year. He really was one of the good guys. I know he was. My womanly-sixth-spidery-sense told me. He ticked every box going and some! However, there wasn't that 'spark' - not for me anyway. I am still kicking myself. I really really wanted there to be a spark!

But it's something you just can't force. Mother Nature won't let you.

Why does life send me arseholes to fall in love with, and when a good guy comes along I don't fancy them? (And it's nothing to do with falling for bad boys - if you ever saw He Who Shall Not Be Named there was definitely nothing bad-boy about him!) It makes me think I'm best not looking for love.

If you truly believe you've found your soul mate, then hang on to them, work at it when times get tough, and treasure every moment with this person, because I believe finding a soulmate is very few and far between. Not everyone gets to meet theirs. You are truly lucky.

So as I enter 2019, like I did 2018, single, I will see where it leads... Back in 2013 I was afraid of being on my own. For 2019, I can say confidently, I am not afraid anymore.

If only Tom Hardy would have me as a friend with benefits...

Be Ashamed. Very Ashamed.

Isn't it funny how the guilty play the victim?

I feel I need to tell my side of the story. To prove who really is the victim...

I met He Who Shall Not Be Named on an online dating site. We chatted there a bit, then moved it to text messages - as you do.

During these early messages, He Who Shall Not Be Named at first sent me a couple of pictures with his boxers on, but clearly suggestive that he was aroused. I rolled my eyes (not that he could see that) - I was in the playground collecting my kids from school - and we had a giggle about it over texts.

I will state we hadn't met yet. 

Then, I'd come back from the pub with a friend one Friday night. I was in a fantastic mood - because my mate always makes me feel good and we'd had two bottles of Prosecco between us - and He Who Shall Not Be Named asked if he could send me some more pictures.

I replied drunkenly, "Yes, as long as they're not indecent."

I have no need for dick pics - certainly when I haven't even met the man.

Yes, well guess what, dear Reader, guess what he sent...

Not one, or two, or three, BUT FOUR pictures of his erect penis over WhatsApp. A couple in the shower, and couple in bed.

I went absolutely ballistic. I mean BAT SHIT CRAZY! I was fuming! (Anyone seen me when I'm angry, I give the Hulk a run for his money).

I think I replied something along the lines in between my Hulkish rant, "Are you even going to bother asking me out on a date or are you wasting my effing* time?"

*much harsher word used, beginning with F - trust me. Effing Fuming I was. Effing Fuming.

To this day, I wish I'd never met him. I should have seen the warning signs then and there, but we did meet, he was apologetic, and from then on, in the fourteen months we were together he showed remorse and appeared ashamed of his behaviour. I thought the man I'd fallen in love with could not have been the same guy who'd sent me these obscene photos... He was too nice. Too decent. I'd even discussed with him why he'd done it, and he'd replied he'd been advised it was the thing to do. I advised him then it was NOT the thing to do.

He came across inexperienced in the dating game. And so, embarrassed for him, I never shared with my friends his initial behaviour. (A couple of friends knew because at the time the Hulk wasn't rational and I needed to be calmed back to my Bruce Banner state).

I wish I had share this information with more friends!

So, what do I find out now? He's still doing it. He is still sending women, whether they want them or not, indecent pictures of his dick as his chat up line.

So he never was truly remorseful. He hasn't learnt by what I said. He even now switches it around, the women are the liars, the woman asked for these images...

I mean, I imagine, if you're sending something obscene unsolicited, someone isn't going to like it and will complain. Don't make out you've done nothing wrong!

Well, I hope the next woman you send your dick too, she plasters it all over the internet with your name attached to it. (Best way to do this would be screenshot it - he can't deny it's not his then!)

So in my Samantha-then-Janus, Game On voice, I say:

Be ashamed. Be. Very. Ashamed.

Fame or Karma?

I've been informed by a reliable source that my blog is becoming rather popular in a certain town near Bristol. Fame at last! Or maybe, finally, it's Karma?

So this one is for all of you!

And anyone grieving the loss of a relationship. Obviously.

When I first started writing about my heartache, it was the hope, as a writer, to get it off my chest, to ease some of the pain I was feeling. Now, my hope is that maybe women (and men) can read my story, see how poorly I was treated by He Who Shall Not Be Named, and having encountered the same sort of situation, can gather strength from what I've written. To know that they are not at fault, with their self-esteemed shattered, and that there will be light at the end of the tunnel. To know they are not alone.

He Who Shall Not Be Named should come with a health warning. (I quote a friend here actually!)

A man who sees himself as selfless can actually be deceivingly selfish. Everything has to be on his terms, and he'll be very good at manipulating you into his terms. As soon as you question those, as soon as you start to ask for something more, something that a real loving relationship deserves, he'll dump you, and move on (to his next victim) very quickly.

And you're quite within your rights to want more from a relationship, be it commitment, time, intimacy. You're not a doormat. You're not prepared to be used.

Another ex-girlfriend of my Ex (yes he's racked them up since me) has been in touch, to praise this blog. (Thank you, by the way). If you haven't read it, and as this year comes to a close, I want to show you how far I've come. And for those maybe feeling hurt and angry by the loss of a relationship, I am proof that your grief will ease.

My story starts here with When Will It Go Right?  I thought, with He Who Shall Not Be Named, I'd finally found the right one. I have been divorced nearly seven years now, and I am still single (and wonder what the fuck I am doing wrong - or why I seem to fall for the arseholes - where as I have  friends in similar positions who have found great guys, even married them). I feel I wasted 14 months of my life on him... when I could have been working towards a relationship with another guy... another guy I've potentially missed, because I was too loved up with HIM.

And as you read through the blog, I hope you see how much stronger I have become, although it does take time. How counselling helped, too.

I still feel today I was conned out of my heart. I am grateful I wasn't conned out of money, or worse, something could have happened to my kids. (I feel lucky in that respect.) I was just used really, for sex and for the feeling of being in a relationship when it suited him.

What has come to light from these two women now that have messaged me; he has had a girlfriend for two years... Yes, I'm doing the maths! He ended our relationship in August 2017... that's less than two years ago... So, He Who Shall Not Be Named, were you cheating on me, too?

If so, WHEN did you find the time?

Were the extravagant gifts a way to hide your guilt?

Are you introducing all these women to your kids?

And take a good hard look at yourself! For someone who prides himself as being a good guy, you are not!

Are you the kind of man you would want your daughter to date? Do you want her to be treated how you treat your girlfriends and lovers? Is this how you wish your son to grow up to be?

Please! Take responsibility as a role model to your children if nothing else!

Although, sadly, at 50, it is unlikely you will change your ways.

I am sickened. I did not know you. And it sickens me further that you continue to use women - and thought very little of our relationship if you can move on so swiftly. But you're doing it to women who are looking for a relationship, not a hook up... You're duping them. It's wrong.

If you're just wanting sex, at least be honest about it.

Give them the choice as to whether they want to be partial to this behaviour, these terms.

I don't want to give you the satisfaction by saying you've ruined me. But I am not the same person that you met in June 2016 (where I was in a good place), or the woman you destroyed in August 2017.

As a romance writer, I have always believed in romance... (hence you deceived me as I saw your gestures as romantic and not manipulation) but now I'm feeling more cynical about it. Is there such a thing as 'the one' or a 'soul mate'?

I'll continue to write it... give women that escapism they need, but whether I believe in it, is another thing...

You have toughened me up. I have made my peace. I will go through life not relying on a man (well maybe one; my Dad). Where I get to be, the successes (and maybe the failures) will be down to me. And me alone.

I will be financially and emotionally independent. I will be responsible for my happiness.

For this knowledge I no longer need a man. I would like one, but to be honest, I can't be doing with the drama, I have too many good friends to keep in touch with, I'm not even sure I have the time to date.

And do I really want the heartache again?

Can I trust the next man, when you - a man you said I could trust - deceived me into loving you?


Note to those who may wish to share their grievances, if you would like to message me privately, please feel free to do so via my Facebook page. 

Owner of a 14-Year-Old Today!

New snorkels in Kos. Sums your silliness up! 

I can't believe THIS boy turns 14 today!

Happy birthday, Ben!

Gosh, I remember the morning of your birth, (as if it were yesterday, and not 14 years ago!) and you were laid on my tummy, swaddled in a towel, blue eyes staring up at me, and my love for you was unconditional from that moment on.

I was also petrified that I'd just become a mum.

You may drive me potty at times, with your dreamy, laid back attitude, but you have a wicked sense of humour, you're funny, thoughtful, helpful, and I admire how you put 110% into everything you do.

I love your quiet confidence and you do make me very proud.

You're going to grow up into a fine young man!

Love you, so so much,

Mum x

(Too old to be Mummy now 😟).

Kos 2018 - favourite Mocktail - Magic Island!

A Letter To My Ex

Dear Ex,

If you're going to private message me via my Facebook Page, you might want to unblock me to maybe allow me to reply.

I won't. (But even if I wanted to, I actually can't.)

Neither will I take down the post.

(Dear readers, apparently he doesn't like this post, He prided himself on being such a good man see, but 4 months in counselling told me a very different story. There's an article too about men sending inappropriate pictures that I posted, maybe he's not liking this either). 

I will not do either of these things (reply or remove post) because 1) I am blocked, and I've never done anything wrong, 2) I owe you nothing, yet you owe me 14 months of my life back, and 3) it's the truth, and it's my blog, so bite me.

I could list more, but these are good enough reasons.

Oh, maybe, I've never had an apology, or an explanation why you're such an F@ckwit.

However, with reference to the last part of your message, and you stating that you 'massively misread the situation at the start of our relationship', I would like to point out that you completely and utterly misread the whole of our relationship. I was working towards a future together. You however, was always going to bolt as soon as your terms got questioned.

So, on that note, hope life's treating you well shit.

Your Ex.

Fourteen Weeks...

It's been three months now, and still nothing. It's as if you never existed.

I suppose, if you ever did truly love me, one day you'll miss what we had and you'll get in touch. If you don't, well, I know you lied and deceived me.

Although I do hold some fond memories of our 14 months together, (and they make me miss you) they are sadly tarred by the way things ended, and my love has turned to an anger and rage that makes me think 'what were those 14 months about?'

Have I actually benefited from them in anyway? Except the expensive gifts...? I still can not fathom what they were about, other than your way to secure my love for you, while you were obsessed and infatuated with me. I have a feeling it meant nothing, because you told me how you didn't regret spending similarly on the woman before me. Maybe if money means nothing to you, the expensive gifts meant nothing too...

I was like a conquest, wasn't I? "She must be mine! I'll do everything in my power to convince her I love her and that she needs to love me, and then when I'm done, I'll just cast her aside... because she means nothing truly to me."

So no, I look back with resentment over those 14 months, my time wasted on a man who didn't deserve my attention, for he hasn't furthered my life or enhanced it. (In fact he's now led me to the last few months feeling utterly miserable - for which those 14 months certainly weren't worth it).

Like I've said before, it's like I've woken up and it's June 2016 again. I'm back, where I was in June 2016 FFS! But in a worse place mentally.

I resent you. Why? I'm looking for someone to grow old and grey with, and those 14 months could have been used to find that man, instead of wasting them on you, who I thought I was building a solid relationship with. YOU who led me to believe you were the one to be with. Then, you end it? No consideration, no lets maybe work at this... No, because you'd had your fun, you'd won me over, and now part of your game, was to just toss me aside.

Counselling has really opened my eyes. Now, I need to set to work on my self-esteem, because I've been set back 14 months, and my trust has been truly destroyed. Thank you for that.

If I Were An Animal...

So true! 

Do you know what the hardest thing I'm still trying to over come? Still, after 10 weeks...

What I find hard is the fact you're going about your days without me in them. I don't even know if you miss me, give a shit about me, or anything? Do you even think about me? Wonder what I'm doing? Do you even care? Clearly not...

Yet, I still catch myself wondering about you...

It hurts that you did everything in your power to convince me that you wanted me in your life, then discarded me once you were done with me, that I no longer fitted into your terms.

It's a bit like Cora or Regina, the witches in Once Upon A Time. You've pulled out my heart, and crushed it with your bare hands.

I'm back at awful currently, but it could be worse I know.

Each day gets easier. I don't cry every day. I still get upset when I talk about you, my voice betrays me. But I still miss what we had, knowing it will never come back and can't believe you're no longer in my life. That thought still catches my breath, every day.

I miss you more when I've got the free time I would have been sharing with you. I miss that I don't have someone to tell the silly little things of what's going on in my day...  I miss that I don't have someone to cuddle and kiss, hold hands with... I miss having a partner.

It's like those 14 months were a dream. I'm Bobby Ewing stepping out of the shower... and I've gone back to June 2016 before I met you.

But the hate is setting in now. The rage that I was deceived, cheated into believing I was in a loving, safe, strong relationship. That you loved me...

I may learn to forgive you, one day... But I will never ever forget.

My counsellor asked if I were an animal, what would I be? I answered a bird in the end, because they seem to never stay still, always flitting about, which I thought represented my mind as well as me physically. Now I realise I'm more like an elephant. Head strong, determined, passionate about life but will never forget those who've hurt me.

I'm Doing Something Right

Woolacombe 2017

Last week my eldest was awarded Mathematician of the Year, Lower School for 2017. This actually is a great achievement, considering he was in Year 7 last year, so he was picked out against Year 7 and Year 8 students!

Then, last night I went to the parents evening for my youngest son, who is in Year 6 and will be moving up to secondary school next year.

As soon as I sat down, his teacher was 'well this is an easy parents evening', and gave my son such praise. From his attitude to learning to his conduct within the classroom and with his peers, she said he was a pleasure to teach. (And I know most say this, but I like to believe she meant it).

When my eldest was first born, and I'd come down from the joys of giving birth to a healthy baby, I was thinking 'oh shit - a boy'. I remembered all the boys at school when I was a girl that couldn't be bothered to learn, those that mucked about in the class room. The little shits basically. And then when I was sent a second boy, I thought my troubles had doubled.

Tyntesfield with Granddad - who never encourages them!

It is assumed that because they are boys, they will be naughty, that they will fight. (It did used to rile me when a mum would excuse her child's poor behaviour because he was a boy.)

My two are not always blue-eyed boys and they come with their flaws. They are still children, after all. They like to fight and bicker like any other siblings. Yet, one thing they both seem to do well is get on at school. (I'm pretty sure they have a personality transplant as they walk through the school gates.) I've never had a problem with them going off to school. They enjoy learning, and generally behave well for other people. They are both bright, intelligent boys, with great personalities (which they obviously get that from me! ha ha!). My fears of them being 'little shits' in the classroom have been squashed.

My eldest is lacking in some common sense at times...  it maybe the turning 13 symptoms... He can be away with the fairies which drives me and his dad mad! (I no longer take it personally when they play up for their dad at the weekends). And my youngest still knows how to throw a tantrum like a two-year-old when things aren't going his way. But generally, they are good boys, who I hope will turn out to be strong, successful, loving men.

Maybe me being a tough mum has paid off? Screaming like a banshee and expressing when I'm angry does work?

Maybe it's something their Dad and I have done right?

I Need To Find My Voice

Do you know what frustrates and angers me the most, what even hurts me more? The fact you will never know how much you have hurt me (and my children), how much you have disappointed me. That the man you turned into I never saw a hint of in the time we were together.

You will never know that I still cry, I still think about you. I still miss the days of when we were together, and I thought we were both happy and good for each other. I still wake up every morning and think 'shit he's not in my life any more'. It feels like a bad dream... seven weeks on...

I'm even left wondering what you tell your friends. 'We weren't meant to be', when you spent fourteen months convincing me that we were?

The counselling has helped me look at our relationship. I almost feel ashamed to have been so weak (as I consider myself strong) and even in some ways that I was conned/controlled by you. But I didn't see it. I wanted to please you, make you happy, so I did everything I could. And you lead me to believe you were doing the same for me... You were a man who prided yourself on being a good, decent, honest man. And you appeared that way too. You were generous, loving and thoughtful - so I believed... I thought you selfless but you were selfish...

Because a good man would work at a relationship when times get tough, and a decent man would not shower his lover with gifts only to walk away from her when things weren't quite going his way. A good man would have chosen 'us'.

I realise that in the year before you met me, you'd lived a rigid life, you'd got into a routine with work, your hobbies and your children. And although they (to quote you) 'weren't enough', when you were looking for a relationship, you wanted it to fit in around your routine and your kids. You weren't flexible, or pliable. The relationship would have to be under your terms. And only your terms. And I look back and realise how much it was! Yes, you conformed a little, in the beginning in order to keep me sweet, to entrap me, to convince me to trust you and fall in love. After all, I was an attractive, intelligent woman with a bubbly personality. You wanted me on your arm. (A trophy girlfriend maybe?)

But as soon as I started to find my voice, and air things that didn't please me - and these were only usually times when you were failing to choose us - you ended our relationship. It no longer made you happy.*

No discussion, no compromise, over.

And these were things, in a normal loving relationship that should be allowed to be discussed. I did nothing wrong I realise now. I was never unreasonable.

So yes, I feel deceived, I feel hurt. I put my all into something you weren't prepared to even meet me with half way. You waited until I had fully trusted our relationship, that I felt safe within it, then you let me go. You gave me promises you couldn't keep because you weren't prepared to develop the relationship, keep it moving forward.

You need a woman who will just slot into your routine without a quibble. Good luck with finding that kind of woman. In the meantime, I hope Karma finds her way to you.

And for me, the next man, I have to learn to speak up and have my voice heard sooner - so they can decide whether to stick around or leave me before they can hurt me. They'll need to prove their worth.

I thought I was honest and outspoken, but clearly when it comes to the fear of sounding unreasonable or demanding, I hold back.

It's not about being selfish, it's about my well-being. I need to be stronger.



(*Feel free to respond if you disagree with me - or I've got this wrong some how).

For anyone reading this blog post and are considering counselling, I would recommend it - Please message me if you'd like further advice.

I Can Do Single But....

I was thinking the other day, as I was driving, why I felt so sad.

I mean, obviously, I'm upset at the moment. I'm devastated; I miss the man I thought I was spending the rest of my life with.

Past experience assures me, that with time being a great healer, I will cope and enjoy being single again. I can do single. Easy. I don't need a man.

I'm already seeing the benefits, catching up with friends, trying out different restaurants... I feel in some ways, I've been set free.

However, what makes me sad is that all I want is to be with a partner, to have someone to share my life with. After fourteen months sharing my life with someone, I really miss that. It has proved it's what I want.

I no longer have someone to text my ups and downs to, to share all my thoughts and news, whether insignificant or significant. I wanted a partner to have mini adventures with. I have no one to love.

Being single is great. I can do what I want to do and when - money permitting. But it can be a lonely path at times when all your friends are loved up and busy with their own partners.

Another worry I have is what will the next man in my life be like? When will I feel this happiness again I was feeling this past year? Will they be better, more suitable?

They're going to have to be, if honest, because I won't settle for less. I would rather be single.

But I have this fear the past two relationships have now caused, that when it's all going smoothly, will one day he leave me, with no clear explanation, and not prepared to work at the relationship.

Can my heart take that again?

Back To Kissing Frogs...

So I discovered I wrote this back in August 2015. But for some reason I never posted it. Maybe, I was concerned of the professionalism as a writer, or that I do look like a bitter, twisted woman...

However, since having been in a fourteen month relationship, that has yet again ended due to the guy not wanting to choose 'us' and not wanting to work at the relationship, I feel I want to post what I wrote two years ago.

I'm learning men don't fall in love, they just become infatuated... and think it's love. And when the honeymoon period is over, they're off. I think men look for perfection more than women do. We are far more realistic - even me, the romance novelist...

The way my heart aches at the moment, a month on, I know I was in love. (I'm not quite in the happy place I was when I wrote this 2 years ago).

Tonight, I'm wondering what film to watch - maybe it's time I dig out #HesJustNotThatIntoYou again....

The third book is finished, and I'm editing my fourth, which involves online dating and my past experiences of it.

Anyway, this is what I wrote - two years ago! Oh, the irony... : 

I've been told that my profile (when I was on an on-line dating site) was refreshingly down to earth and honest.

But where does it get me?

Sometimes, when I'm feeling really depressed about it all, (I'm getting better) I feel like the men I have met have taken what they want from me, then moved on...

If I'm so bloody lovely, why hasn't one stuck around? (I'm kinda glad a couple haven't actually, looking back. But only time shows you this).

I have vowed to watch #HesJustNotThatIntoYou on are regular basis as a basic reminder.

I have told myself I will no longer chase men. I never really did the chasing - as a romance writer, I like the guy to make the first move - but when one shows an interest, and I get a bit attached, I then find myself doing all the work... and they're not. And there's a clue there really, isn't there? So from now on, thy shall not chase!

Thoughts keep going on around in my head of what I'd really like to put as my profile, because of all the bull I've had to listen to over the past few years. Clearly, I can't post it, because I would definitely not attract anyone, (only bitter losers who'd want to snipe back) and would look like some bitter, twisted, deranged, bunny-boiler of a woman. And I am not this. Honest. I am not!

A little crazy at times... but not weird.

But I am a little bit sick of guys wanting to find a genuine woman... only not to be all that genuine themselves, carrying god knows what baggage. If I have learnt one thing from all of this, men carry more baggage than women. OMG! Yes they do! And I thought they were the ones with balls.

My problem is I'm too honest, and I like to make sure we're on the same page from the off. So I highlight, that at the end of the day, my goal is to find someone to be in a relationship with. I think, when I start talking about this, they're hearing goddamn wedding bells. All I'm trying to say is I want to meet one guy... I am NOT looking for casual sex.

However, I'm not looking someone to move in and play father figure to my kids, I don't want to move in with them either. I'm just looking for someone I can share my time with, to do things, visit places, have fun together!

What I have also learnt about myself is that I am an 'all or nothing' type of girl. If you can't give me your all, I want nothing from you.

This is perfect, except the sweaty palms bit lol!

I will say, now taking this vow to not go looking for love, these past few weeks I have been in a much better place in my head. Yeah, sure, I worry I'm going to die lonely. But I am actually happier, concentrating on me, and finishing this third book. In the meantime, it looks like this princess will have to be prepared to kiss a few frogs... when she's ready...

Moving On

The last couple of days I've been immersed in my editing, and it hasn't allowed the head space to dwell on missing you.

I'm still waking up in the morning, though, thinking of you. I can't believe you're no longer in my life, that you're no longer my future. This stops me in my tracks at times.

When I do allow myself time to grieve, the ache in my chest returns and I feel so sad.

My friend gave me a Relate book called Moving On (Breaking Up without Breaking Down). I finished it last night, which has given me some hope I'll find happiness again.

One thing the book suggested was not to stop doing the things we enjoyed doing together. Therefore, I have been watching Gotham season 3 which is new to Neflix. We used to watch Gotham together. We devoured two seasons.

It doesn't really feel so good to watch it alone - only because I remember us cuddled on the sofa with a glass of wine, and both commenting about the twists. It was our treat once the kids were in bed.

Anyway, Lee has returned (who was Gordon's love interest  in the previous seasons) and in one of the early episodes she tells Gordon how he broke her heart, how she cried herself to sleep at night. I wonder if I'd been watching this with you we'd have realised the poignancy of Lee and Gordon

I was so with Lee.

I've pretty much cried every single day so far. Either as I'm about to go to bed, or for instance like writing this blog post, or when I'm in the car and a song comes on that feels poignant. Pink - What About Us is a good one!

You told me 'we weren't meant to be.' We were never meant to be if you weren't prepared to work at us, our relationship....

Moving On Is The Hardest Part

It's four weeks since you drove off, making this is the fifth weekend I've been left to my own devices. The past few weekends I have filled with friends and family, but this one I have chosen to sit it out alone.

I've got to get used to it at some point, right?

I mean, for the last year I have spent pretty much every weekend with you, usually at your house with your kids...

I did everything I could to fit in, to please you. I tried not to make demands, I just wanted to love you, and in return you love me.

You are still in my thoughts everyday. Sometimes I'm angry - that you weren't prepared to work at our relationship, you just walked away. Sometimes I'm just in shock that you're no longer a part of my life. It makes my heart physically ache. I just can't believe it - I pray I'm dreaming. Each day I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that you are no longer my future. At the moment I don't feel whole. I feel incomplete. And it's up to me to fix this gap, learn to be happy on my own, single again.

Friends ask if I've heard from you and I tell them no. I'm not surprised that you haven't contacted me - I did lash out to hurt you, because I was hurting myself. But, to be honest, if you can leave me so quickly, without a backwards glance, you can see how I question the sincerity of your love. I can see how you don't really care... Was it infatuation, did I just fill a gap, and once you were done, you discarded me?

I think what hurts me the most is that you knew I was afraid of this happening to me again. And yet you still did it.