Well, well, well...

Well, well, well...

It's been a while since I updated you on my romantic (or not so romantic) liaisons. Last summer, I met a guy who I thought could be The One. We got on so well, talking about everything! It was crazy.

Then, of course, he ended it saying he wasn't ready for a relationship. I blogged about it here.

This spurred me to do something rather unlikely. With a lot of badgering from my writery friends, I applied to First Dates. (As I no longer have an online dating profile anywhere! Yep, deleted them all.)

Then one month later he came back into my life.

Let's call him #MrWells.

Now, this happened all before Christmas... (And I wrote this post before Christmas but decided it wasn't the right time of year to start ranting about idiotic men ann didn't want to taint the Christmas spirit!)

I'm not sure I want to get into the long and the short of it, only that yet again, he was a man with issues.  (Why do I always find the men with issues?) And with my past experience in counselling, the counsellor in my head now tells me I did nothing wrong. Because I did nothing wrong. (Wait till you hear it).

All I will say is, ladies, avoid men with issues. Do not empathise, sympathise, even dream of loving them, do not fear that they will be lonely. In fact, let them be exactly that. Lonely. They do not deserve you because if they do not love themselves then they will not love or respect you. And to be honest, I think they love themselves a little too much in some twisted way, and will not give two shits about you.

After two weeks of no communication from #MrWells, which I was to assume our relationship had expired, he messaged me via email. Am I to presume he deleted my number out of his phone (as I have done with his if truth be told). An email?!

And all it reads is along the lines of sorry it didn't work out between us. Still no explanation. No thank you for returning his watch. (I'll get to that).

I deleted the email without responding. I felt that as I had nothing nice to say it was best to say nothing at all.

However, you know me, I do like to have my say... so I thought I'd blog about it instead.

Dear reader, do you want to know what he did?

We've had a lovely evening, everything appeared great between us (so I thought). We'd only been seeing each other a couple of months - well it's about 4 months from 1st date, but we had a wobble which really should have told me then to walk away. (See link above.)

We watched some TV (like normal couples do) and went to bed, made love....

Now we aren't familiar yet with sleeping together regularly, so at 2am (ish) it wasn't surprising for him to say he couldn't sleep. However, he insisted he would go into one of the boys' rooms. Now being a lot bigger than me, and my boys both have cabin beds, I suggested I go and he stay in my bed.

But he insisted I stay in my own bed. So I made up the sofa bed in my son's room and left him to it. At around 2.40am #MrWells is entering my bedroom, using his phone as a torch, rummaging around in the ensuite. (Honestly it was like a burglar!) When I ask him what he's doing, he says he's gathering his belongings, he can't sleep, he's going home.

Now we'd made plans to do something together Sunday. In this growing relationship, I'd hoped we would get to spend the day together. So, in my confused and very tired state, I'm asking if he's coming back. I help him find other items that he would clearly have behind otherwise - he's a bloke after all - and see him on his way.

I can't sleep straight away, so I put all the sofa bed back etc. In the morning, I've received a message which says he's "home" at 3.43am. I reply, "Hey best text me once you're up."

NEVER GOT A REPLY UNTIL THAT EMAIL OVER 2 WEEKS LATER!

I sent his watch back to him via special delivery when my friends said I should just smash it, or just not bother sending it back until he contacted me. He didn't even thank me!

After knowing how #HeWhoShallNotBeNamed had treated me, confiding in him about the counselling, this is how I am treated! I am soooooo sick of it.

Why me? Why do these fucking arseholes come near me?

I wouldn't mind if they were drop dead gorgeous and fit as fuck, but no, they're average arseholes. And I'm so soft I let them in.

I'm really sorry to say this but the next guy really does have his work cut out to convince me he is worth his salt. Because I am DONE!

I am very happily single.

Hindsight Is A Beautiful Thing

And frustrating!

For those who follow me on Facebook... Last Wednesday was going so well. I had a date. Which lead to another date, and then spending the majority of my weekend getting to know this date better.

By Monday, and having the shittiest day at work on record. (Or maybe I've just forgotten the other shitty days - but it's why I really want to concentrate on becoming a Virtual Assistant and get the hell out of retail - but hey, I digress...)

I came home and really wanted to hear this man's voice.

I hated myself that I felt like this. I hated this frustrating feeling that I would have to wait as he would be busy with work. I felt needy and impatient. However, I also liked it. It meant I'd found someone again, someone worth caring about. I thought I'd found someone I'd connected with.

You know there's a but coming don't you?

BUT... I never got that call... and maybe there was shit going on in his life too... (so I'm not completely unreasonable about not receiving the call) but what he did send was a text with the implication he wanted to "slow things down".

FFS!!!!!

I am so sick of meeting men on online dating sites that aren't ready for a relationship. So why the fuck are you on there then?

Men hold more baggage than women. I swear. It's a fact! They are the tormented heroes we read about in our romance novels and that I write about, ironically!

They all need counselling! 

And yes, it is a gamble meeting someone. Someone might get hurt. But as long as it's not deliberate, then that's okay. I totally understand if it's not working or it's not right, then it should end.

And after how He Who Shall Not Be Named treated me, I fear it happening again - of course I do! I fear wasting my time on another man not wanting to work at a relationship. But I have to trust the next guy because otherwise I'm taking my shit with me into the next relationship, and that's not fair on them. And definitely will not help the new relationship to move forward.

I met a lovely guy a few weeks ago, and the spark was not there for me, so I had to turn him down for a second date. I hate that I might have hurt him, but I'd have caused more pain if I'd carried it on for longer.

So I'm going to reiterate this one more time... for men and women reading this post:

To attend counselling does not make you weak. It means you are strong. It means that you realise you need help to return to full strength.

Never think attending counselling makes you weak. Far from it!

You can not help those that will not help themselves. By attending counselling, you're taking the first step to help yourself. This is so important.

At least my counselling allows me to know this was not may fault. Nothing I could have done differently to change this man's thoughts. I just feel incredibly stupid, used and gullible because he lied to me. He implied he was ready when he was not. And if he'd been honest, I'd have done things very differently. (And would not be feeling as angry as I do!)

Why I Don't Have Time To Date

I've been meaning to blog again the past few weeks. In August, I will have been single two years. I have dated - or tried to - but nothing has stuck. (I really did want one guy to stick, but we just didn't quite have the right chemistry for me).

In these two years I've attended counselling, I've self counselled, and I have got on with my life and made time for my good friends. I've had some lovely mini-adventures, too!

I'm now in such a routine with keeping in contact with these wonderful people, I rarely have a spare weekend to myself. I've a great social life - it would be even better if money allowed!

I've taken the advice of Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway, and made sure all parts of my life are full and important. I'm not going to make one person my whole world. From family, to friends and career, I've tried to concentrate on it all that makes me happy.

I don't have a huge quantity of friends, I have a few that make time for me, so I make time for them. And I love them all. These are the friends that have helped me through my lows, and rejoiced and celebrated my highs. These people are important to me and my sanity!

So I'm not going to give that up, right?

A gentle reminder to myself... 

The thing is, I do really want to find that one person to share everything with. There's a part of me who needs to, if only to confirm to me that when He Who Shall Not Be Named ended our relationship, it was the best thing he could have done for me. He set me free!

I know it is the best thing he could have done for me. I mean, who wants to remain in an unhealthy and unfair relationship? However, the way he did treat me, when I thought he was being sincere, is all I ever wanted. I just want to be loved.

And if I don't find that again? What happens? He's the last man I loved? He's the last man who 'loved' me?

It's as if I need to meet someone to make sense of my past.

I hope this is true!

So, I have to believe there is someone out there who will love me so much more than He Who Shall Not Be Named. And imagine how that's going to feel?

I shouldn't let this man have a hold of me, but he does. I want proof there is better out there, and I deserve it. Otherwise it all feels like a fraud... for someone who writes romance, I can get cynical. And I don't want to be cynical. I want to believe there is someone out there for everyone.

A few weeks ago, I opened myself back up to online-dating, only a day or two later to hide my profile. I realised I was just too busy to make a date with these guys - the few decent ones amongst the baggage-ridden dross.

This is great in someways, right? I'm too busy to date. The right guy's really going to need to stick out, yes?

Therefore, do I leave it to fate? Will the right guy come along in his own good time? However, I've actually been single on and off now for nearly seven years.... I'm not sure I'm patient enough for fate!

The way of the world these days, online dating seems the only way to meet new guys. But why does it have to be so time consuming, and sometimes, even feel demoralising?

Three Years Today...

I know this is Casanova and not The Doctor... 

I'm still waiting for a damn time machine to be invented, or Dr Who is real (in David Tennant form please) or maybe I should get a hot tub (and it turns out to be a time machine...) so that I can be taken back in time to today, three years ago.

I don't think I'd be able to get around all the 52% of the country who voted us to leave the EU, but I could go back to me on my first date with He Who Shall Not Be Named.



There are two scenarios I play out, but I can't decide which would be best.

I could return and tell myself to bleed him dry.

I mean, I accepted the gifts because I believed he loved and cared about me. I never asked for these extravagances, or expected him to spend what he did on me. But I could have asked for so much more, and he probably would have provided it. However, I am not that person. I used to go mad at him when he bought me something expensive.

So really, the only other option, which would save myself the heartache and the counselling afterwards, would be to go back and tell him where to stick his dick pics.

In fact, let me stick them there for you!

What people will never get, never understand is it was you who convince me that we were meant to be. Even now, I still can't believe I'm not with you. (Though I am glad I am not!)

I am strong, I am happy, but I am not the same person I once was before meeting you. But I'm getting there.

We're Not Allowed To Say This....

But... 

Sometimes there is a cause to say "Man the fuck up!"

I'll apologise now, as I may offend some maybe with the above statement but I am angry, and passionate about the way I feel. This is me! Maybe you'll understand if you read further.

So, I was dating someone and we joked about how busy we were etc. but we found the time to have the first date, and that went well. Over a week later we had the 2nd date and then a couple of weeks later we had a third.

This was slow dating for me, and each date felt like the first, with the nerves, because so much time had passed between each one we had to get to know one another again. But maybe this was a good thing, I thought, (and so did my friends) as I seemed to get swept off my feet, and then come crashing down with a bang.

Anyway, last weekend (and I'd told him prior), I said I could make myself available for a drink on the Saturday evening.

Saturday arrived, and I was texting, "Are we meeting?" a little to my annoyance, as a girl really wants to be asked out by the boy. Even in The Big Bang Theory episode (Season 2 episode 2 The Codpiece Topology) I laughed as Leslie, very clinically, let Leonard be the man to organise the dates and telling him to call her.

My response to this text was that he was at a friends.

Now I don't have a problem with that. Only if he was interested, which I believed he was, as he'd been messaging me since our last date, two weeks before, he should have said, "Sorry I have plans that night, but are you free Friday or Sunday?"

I replied with a jokey text about our next date really would be June 2020 (as it had been our little joke with each of us having busy schedules).

I've not heard anything since.

I mean, Sunday, I received no text from him. And I refused to text first. 1) Because I was the last to text, and 2) If he's interested in me then he'd message, right?

NOTHING!

So here is where I believe he should Man The Fuck Up! 

Surely I deserve an explanation, even a simple, "Sorry, I don't think this will work out." ???

No, I get the cowardice and rude approach of just leaving it dead in the air when ironically his online profile states something about being a gentleman....

And my friends wonder why I have self-esteem issues! (Although I know I've done nothing wrong.)

I believe this is an adequate example of when a man should "(gentle)man up" - in my opinion. Agreed?

Off to watch He's Just Not That Into You....

So I Gave Tinder A Go...

And the verdict?

Well, the long story short is, it's a much more visual online dating app basically.

With POF (Plenty of Fish) you can gather more information about the person you're looking at. There is more details about their personality than just the pretty pictures, although some still only look at the pretty pictures. *insert eye roll emoji here*

You can see if they smoke, how tall they are... They have filled in their 'body' type, whether they have kids, whether they're interested in having children.

With Tinder, unless the guy writes something in the profile bit, which isn't many characters, (not as much as POF - I really had to edit it down) you know nothing about him except the photos he has posted.

And if he's stupid enough not to post good quality pictures, then suffice to say, he's probably not going to get a great response... (I swipe left!)

There is a profile bit in POF and not all fill it out (I tend to avoid these profiles because if they're too lazy to put something about themselves, then what will be their approach to a relationship?) but at least if they've filled out some of the criteria stuff, you've got an idea of whether you want to meet. Especially if smoking or drinking is a big no no in your book. Or they might want kids, and you don't. Or you're 5' 8" and he's only 5'! (Just kidding, slightly exaggerating there. I'm only 5' 4).

So, I do think Tinder is possibly more for hook ups, and not anything long term.

I'm not saying nothing long term can't come from it, but it really is a case of liking each others pictures first. If you physically fancy them, you'll swipe right...

This is a great filter however. You can only chat if you've both swiped right, i.e. liked each other.

With POF anyone can message you, even if you set filters, so it makes you feel rude when you ignore their messages. Well, it makes me feel rude, but I have learnt not to reply to those I don't have an interest in. It can give them false hope. lol! And you can tell some have just looked at the pretty pictures, and not read my profile. *insert eye roll emoji again*

I distinctly say fitness is important, and men with two chins message me! I'm sooooo sorry, but I won't find them attractive, and I'm so opinionated about health and fitness, they'd soon get fed up with me. It won't work.

Anyway, still not sure about the whole dating thing at the moment. Life is good, I am busy, I might just let my fairy godmother take charge for now... (That's my way of saying I'm letting the universe handle it).

Crazy Ex-Girlfriends, Huh?

I want to share this interesting article about how the trope of the 'crazy ex-girlfriend' protects abusive men. (See the link below for article).

And now, 18 months on, and in a stronger frame of mind (thanks to the help of the counselling a year ago), I remember once when He Who Shall Not Be Named did exactly this to me.

I can't really remember the whole story, because at the time, so loved up and not the jealous type, I never took too much notice of it. I never saw the significance until lately, and from the rumours I hear of his current behaviour.

But he did just this! He implied he had a woman who was some sort of crazy ex!

We were walking along the high street (more than likely playing sodding Pokemon Go), when he told me about a woman who he said he was friends with (or something along those lines), but she'd misread the signs, 'fancying' him, and wanted more from him. And having turned her down, she'd then turned a bit 'crazy' on him.

And in his nice-natured, convincing tone, I believed him! Why wouldn't I? He seemed such a nice guy - back then! The man who spoilt me, and loved me... as long as it was on HIS terms...

I realise now he was protecting himself in case this woman did see us together and tried to warn me about his narcissistic, selfish tendencies, and his lies. He could quite possibly cheated on me. I will never know. But he was grooming me to believe him, and not her, should she appear.

Because she was the crazy ex!

Ladies, I urge you to read this article. I don't know how else to protect you. If I knew the women He Who Shall Not Be Named was dating, I'd be messaging every single one of them!

(The irony is they do end up messaging me, and I'm happy to hear from them, and put their minds at rest).

If you EVER meet a man who claims to have a "crazy ex-girlfriend" or two, delve a little deeper - and remember there are two sides to every story! Maybe she's not that crazy, after all...

How the trope of the 'crazy ex-girlfriend' protects abusive men. 

To Tinder Or Not To Tinder

So, the other night, I'm lying in bed thinking, like normal, rather than sleeping... and it's going through my head, do I join Tinder for research purposes?

I mean, at the moment, I'm not really that fussed about dating. I'm liking life single. And well, we all know how depressed I get when I start going online and see the dross I have to put up with.

However, on the phone the other day to my agent, discussing future books, my writing career etc. etc. etc. and she said something about the online dating I'd used in the book that's been rejected; it didn't have the swiping left and right which is associated with online dating. And I replied, that is only if you want a shag. Those genuinely wanting to find a relationship actually look at profiles and message. And besides, I was basing my fictional online dating site on something like Plenty Of Fish, where there is the 'Meet Me' facility. But you don't need to swipe to message one another. You can view profiles and send messages without swiping. The 'Meet Me' is actually a paid for option.

I think those that haven't used online dating, don't realise that it is not the only way to meet people. Different sites work in different ways. And I tried to incorporate that into the 'rejected' book. (Book 4 as it's the 4th book I've written).

So, I'm thinking, having NEVER been on Tinder, should I go on there and see what the whole swiping left and right thing does?

Or do I want to get sucked into another dating app which will waste my life and make me miserable.

But it's for research...

Anyone been on Tinder... can you recommend?

Do Soulmates Exist?

Do you believe in soulmates?

As a romantic novelist I do... I'm writing about them, aren't I? But in reality, do they really exist?

This month marks that I have been separated/divorced from my ex-husband seven years. In this time, through online dating, I have met quite a few a couple of guys, and one in particular really did make me think I'd found my soulmate. But it wasn't to be. He Who Shall Not Be Named conned me out of my heart basically. I won't go into too much detail in this blog post. Let's just say I've written enough discussing it in the past. You can start here if you like. But I did waste 14 months of my life on the wrong man who made me believe he was my Mr Right.

Anyway, seven years single... on and off... and I'm still wondering will I find my Mr Right? Will I find someone who ticks most of the boxes. Maybe 'ticking boxes' is a crude term, but we all have things we look for in a partner, don't we? (Or is it just as we get older?)

And I'm not talking about materialistic boxes, I'm talking about their personality, their attitudes and beliefs in life. (Some of the materialistic ones are important too - you're a liar if you say they are not). These boxes are what help us click.

The longer I live a single life, the more I'm getting to enjoy it, and I'm not even sure I want to make time for someone else. But then occasionally I miss the kisses, the cuddles, the intimacy, someone to share everything with.

I did meet a guy last year. He really was one of the good guys. I know he was. My womanly-sixth-spidery-sense told me. He ticked every box going and some! However, there wasn't that 'spark' - not for me anyway. I am still kicking myself. I really really wanted there to be a spark!

But it's something you just can't force. Mother Nature won't let you.

Why does life send me arseholes to fall in love with, and when a good guy comes along I don't fancy them? (And it's nothing to do with falling for bad boys - if you ever saw He Who Shall Not Be Named there was definitely nothing bad-boy about him!) It makes me think I'm best not looking for love.

If you truly believe you've found your soul mate, then hang on to them, work at it when times get tough, and treasure every moment with this person, because I believe finding a soulmate is very few and far between. Not everyone gets to meet theirs. You are truly lucky.

So as I enter 2019, like I did 2018, single, I will see where it leads... Back in 2013 I was afraid of being on my own. For 2019, I can say confidently, I am not afraid anymore.

If only Tom Hardy would have me as a friend with benefits...

Thou Shall Not Chase

Maybe I should title this the trials and tribulations of a dating single mum...

I mean, when I am messaging some guy I hope to date, my eleven year old is looking over my shoulder and asking "who am I texting?"

"Just a friend." *lie mode cancel*

I just don't have that many friends, let alone ones that text me regularly. The day he realises this I am rumbled.

When someone does start texting me regularly I actually have to put my phone on silent so that the kids don't get too curious.

So, yeah, I've ventured, on and off, again, with the online dating malarkey thing.

I'm a sucker for punishment. Obviously.

And it's nice to get a text message, to feel wanted, that someone has thought about you enough to message.

However, it's a game half the time.

But I've got to start somewhere, right?

The thing is, I'm not even sure I'm ready. I get bored with it quickly - well, men, I get bored with men. And I don't mean in a slutty way. Nope, I just get bored with the messaging, or when they don't message, or when the messages have clearly been sent by their dick... In the end I'm doing the Jessica Jones eye roll gif. Yeah, you've seen the one!

A conversation with a very wise friend recently, she confirmed what I already knew - as she's been on the planet a bit longer than me - men really do think with their dicks.

I just now need to remember this - always!

I've now got a trust issue (thanks to my previous relationship - insert Jessica Jones Eye Roll Gif again)... I mean, when dating, messaging, whatever, I'm thinking; does he just want sex, is he a player, or is he genuinely looking for a long-term relationship? Or will he say he wants long-term, and just leave once he's done with me.

The ones that appear genuine I don't fancy.  They're not unattractive but I just don't fancy them! There isn't the spark! I really want there to be but it isn't there. And they're real sweethearts and I've got to turn them down for another date.

And go back on that bloody app!

Then there are ones I find attractive, but there can't be much of an interest for them... because they don't even message me back! Really should just stick to my Thou Shall Not Chase, and let the guys message me first.

The other ones I do find attractive, that there is a spark, I'll be like, is he a player, will he bolt at the first argument, can I actually trust he's genuine?

There is so much I want to put on my profile, but it'll make me look bitter and twisted, and insight inappropriate comments probably. But I just don't want to play games, and Thou Shall Not Chase!

What I have discovered also is the double standards. Guys want pretty women, with a great figure who keep themselves fit, yet they're not exactly 'fit' themselves (when I come to meet them). They have the nerve to tell me they don't find overweight women attractive... but when I'm meet them, they are overweight themselves! Now, I'm not looking for someone who is obsessed with the gym. I just want someone who takes health and fitness seriously.

Also, all these men are looking for strong minded, independent, interesting women... but they actually don't know what to do with one once they've got her. Heaven forbid she disagrees with them. (Oh, they'll walk out of a perfectly good relationship... that's what they'll do...) Really, they want doormats... only they don't find them attractive.

So do you want to know why I write romance? Because like I have on my website profile, let's face it. men in reality don't exist like the heroes in books. And occasionally, us women like to meet men who don't constantly think with their dick... These men can be found in books.

I Can Do Single But....

I was thinking the other day, as I was driving, why I felt so sad.

I mean, obviously, I'm upset at the moment. I'm devastated; I miss the man I thought I was spending the rest of my life with.

Past experience assures me, that with time being a great healer, I will cope and enjoy being single again. I can do single. Easy. I don't need a man.

I'm already seeing the benefits, catching up with friends, trying out different restaurants... I feel in some ways, I've been set free.

However, what makes me sad is that all I want is to be with a partner, to have someone to share my life with. After fourteen months sharing my life with someone, I really miss that. It has proved it's what I want.

I no longer have someone to text my ups and downs to, to share all my thoughts and news, whether insignificant or significant. I wanted a partner to have mini adventures with. I have no one to love.

Being single is great. I can do what I want to do and when - money permitting. But it can be a lonely path at times when all your friends are loved up and busy with their own partners.

Another worry I have is what will the next man in my life be like? When will I feel this happiness again I was feeling this past year? Will they be better, more suitable?

They're going to have to be, if honest, because I won't settle for less. I would rather be single.

But I have this fear the past two relationships have now caused, that when it's all going smoothly, will one day he leave me, with no clear explanation, and not prepared to work at the relationship.

Can my heart take that again?

Back To Kissing Frogs...

So I discovered I wrote this back in August 2015. But for some reason I never posted it. Maybe, I was concerned of the professionalism as a writer, or that I do look like a bitter, twisted woman...

However, since having been in a fourteen month relationship, that has yet again ended due to the guy not wanting to choose 'us' and not wanting to work at the relationship, I feel I want to post what I wrote two years ago.

I'm learning men don't fall in love, they just become infatuated... and think it's love. And when the honeymoon period is over, they're off. I think men look for perfection more than women do. We are far more realistic - even me, the romance novelist...

The way my heart aches at the moment, a month on, I know I was in love. (I'm not quite in the happy place I was when I wrote this 2 years ago).

Tonight, I'm wondering what film to watch - maybe it's time I dig out #HesJustNotThatIntoYou again....

The third book is finished, and I'm editing my fourth, which involves online dating and my past experiences of it.

Anyway, this is what I wrote - two years ago! Oh, the irony... : 

I've been told that my profile (when I was on an on-line dating site) was refreshingly down to earth and honest.

But where does it get me?

Sometimes, when I'm feeling really depressed about it all, (I'm getting better) I feel like the men I have met have taken what they want from me, then moved on...

If I'm so bloody lovely, why hasn't one stuck around? (I'm kinda glad a couple haven't actually, looking back. But only time shows you this).

I have vowed to watch #HesJustNotThatIntoYou on are regular basis as a basic reminder.

I have told myself I will no longer chase men. I never really did the chasing - as a romance writer, I like the guy to make the first move - but when one shows an interest, and I get a bit attached, I then find myself doing all the work... and they're not. And there's a clue there really, isn't there? So from now on, thy shall not chase!

Thoughts keep going on around in my head of what I'd really like to put as my profile, because of all the bull I've had to listen to over the past few years. Clearly, I can't post it, because I would definitely not attract anyone, (only bitter losers who'd want to snipe back) and would look like some bitter, twisted, deranged, bunny-boiler of a woman. And I am not this. Honest. I am not!

A little crazy at times... but not weird.

But I am a little bit sick of guys wanting to find a genuine woman... only not to be all that genuine themselves, carrying god knows what baggage. If I have learnt one thing from all of this, men carry more baggage than women. OMG! Yes they do! And I thought they were the ones with balls.

My problem is I'm too honest, and I like to make sure we're on the same page from the off. So I highlight, that at the end of the day, my goal is to find someone to be in a relationship with. I think, when I start talking about this, they're hearing goddamn wedding bells. All I'm trying to say is I want to meet one guy... I am NOT looking for casual sex.

However, I'm not looking someone to move in and play father figure to my kids, I don't want to move in with them either. I'm just looking for someone I can share my time with, to do things, visit places, have fun together!

What I have also learnt about myself is that I am an 'all or nothing' type of girl. If you can't give me your all, I want nothing from you.

This is perfect, except the sweaty palms bit lol!

I will say, now taking this vow to not go looking for love, these past few weeks I have been in a much better place in my head. Yeah, sure, I worry I'm going to die lonely. But I am actually happier, concentrating on me, and finishing this third book. In the meantime, it looks like this princess will have to be prepared to kiss a few frogs... when she's ready...

When Will It Go Right?

And here I am again, brokenhearted.

I had hoped I wouldn't get to feel like this again. I trusted you to stick with me through thick and thin.

But here I am, lost again.

I grieve the loss of a love, a relationship... a man who I thought was my forever.

No more text messages in the morning, or last thing at night, even though you're still my first waking thoughts, and who I think of late in the evening, tucked up in bed. And I wonder what you're doing during the day, because I no longer have that contact with you.

My phone is silent, yet I look at it in the hope you'll text to say you miss me, like I miss you, so so much.

My heart hollow, I walk about empty, a dull ache in my chest, my head clouded and foggy, wondering how I got to this point, how did we become so broken, so quickly. How can I feel so happy one day and so devastated the next?

No more kisses, or cuddles, no more snuggles on the sofa watching our favourite TV shows and sharing a bottle of wine, no more little touches or making love...

My love for you has turned to a rage, yet I still love you. I'm trying not to think about you, I'm trying to go on about my day. But occasionally a memory will stop me in my tracks. I have cried too many tears.

I know time heals. I know my love for you will dull, and I will find peace... It just takes so long... For now I need to learn to live with missing you, this emptiness, this gap you've left in my life.

Positivity has left me; I'm starting to believe my only happy ever afters are the ones I write...

The Six Date Rule

Yes, I know usually it's a three date rule, i.e. that you'll last out until the third date before sleeping with the guy. (If you needed it clarified).

Well, after last summer, my good friend set me a six date rule. She hoped this would help protect my heart and self-esteem, as I tend to fall too quickly, or get carried away with it all, to then get dumped fairly quickly after they've had want they wanted. I then tend to start feeling like I was a bad person, and my friend has to reassure me that I am not.

The idea is if a guy likes you that much, he will wait. And it will give you time, too. And if a guy has waited that long, maybe he'll take the whole relationship idea a bit more seriously too... It's a theory, anyway.

As you know, I'm way too honest for my own good, and I've told a couple of guys that I've dated I'm on a 'six date rule'. So far of the four dates I've had this year... they've only lasted the one date. lol!

At first I thought maybe I shouldn't be so honest. But actually, it's done me some favours. I mean, if the guy is THAT hot, I'll want to jump into bed with him immediately anyway, and the six date rule will keep my head focussed for a bit longer... I may not last the six dates... (but I don't know yet, haven't really met anyone I've wanted to sleep with immediately to test it). In other ways, it does help me out. Of a couple of dates, I knew there wasn't really the chemistry there, so the six date rule makes a good excuse. "Oh, I couldn't possibly sleep with you on the second date... I'm on a six date rule." You get the idea.

And those just after sex, well, it's weeded those out too... because they certainly don't want to invest time and effort into six dates...

I don't think guys get that most women can't just jump into bed with them. For women, on a whole, with sex there needs to be a mental/intellectual meeting of the minds, as well as the physical. And usually, if the minds meet, the physical attraction grows.

So if you're looking for an excuse to not jump into bed with someone, or you want to test whether a guy will wait, and feels you're worth it, (and isn't out for just one thing) give yourself a six date rule.

Rules can be broken, I mean if Henry Cavill turned up screw the rule....

from Henry Cavill Fanpage

But for all those others, the rule might just help....

I May Be A Dreamer...

But I'm a realist too.

I know that I'm not going to meet Mr Right immediately. Some may only be Mr Right Now.

Each day I'm participating in the online dating game, each day I am learning. My friend even said yesterday I'm so much better at it than I was two years ago.

I am trying not to over think past the first date. But this can be hard, when the end goal is I'm trying to find a suitable relationship, and in your forties, you don't want to be wasting time. It's so much different, than when you were in your twenties!

I still do over think to a certain extent, but I've learnt with recent 'dates' that the no "sexting" rule is a very good idea until you actually meet in person. Then, if you still fancy one another, then it's quite fun!

I had a date on Sunday, and all week we'd been texting and we seemed to be on the same page. He made me laugh a lot. We were both very sarcastic but I discouraged too much flirting... and thank the stars I did. Our first date went well, so I thought. However, once he'd arrived home and text me there wouldn't be a second date.

Which is fair enough. If I'm not for him... then I'm not for him. (I still got the let's be friends text though - why do men do that?)

And so back to the drawing board...

I really have got to write a book containing online dating. The stuff I'm getting is cracking... although I do wonder if they'd believe it in a book.

I received this the other day... From now on, the no-hopers will all be known as DIYdavey.

Yes, unfortunately, there are a lot out there, just like DIYdavey that believe this approach is the way to woo a woman...

There are so many things wrong with the above. Firstly, it's Pride and Prejudice! (If you're going to insult me do your research first).

I didn't respond. I've learnt this actually encourages these morons further. If I had replied it would have gone along the lines of I'd rather die a miserable old hag, all the same, DIYdavey...

I Have Standards

Firstly, if I sound shallow at any point in this blog post I apologise. But I do have standards.

Tuesday I decided to put myself back out there on the old on-line dating again.... Friday I was contemplating coming off. I was so depressed.

And now I'm writing a blog post to get it off my chest.

I thought, maybe I might chat to some, get some dates out of it, take the whole approach more casually.... Be much more aloof or blasé with it all.

However, the guys making contact are not giving me any confidence about myself. Not only are they not my type, but they really are punching above their weight. I know I'm no Jennifer Anniston by I'm fairly attractive... And I know it's hard to tell with a photograph, but you can tell from some if you're going to find someone physically attractive. (Plus I do read their profiles, too).

I know looks aren't everything... but I do look for something, I can't put my finger on what, but they have to have 'something'. (Okay, so I'm looking for a forty-something Tom Hiddleston.) I clearly say I want someone who believes in health and fitness, and they're messaging me with their double chins and beer bellies!

I know from past relationships (#MrAquarius) I need someone who matches me intellectually or they'll be intimidated. I don't do it deliberately... Men just feel it. They don't like women smarter than them.

There are the same faces on there too! They haven't even updated their profile or their pictures in the last two-three years. I mean, sort it out guys, if you want find someone. They are either crap at relationships or players. One guy messaged me saying he'd noticed I'd checked out his profile. I replied, I usually don't. I told him the reason I'd checked out his profile was due to his main image not giving me a clear indication of his looks - he was standing in the distance, you couldn't even make out his face. (He did thank me for the heads up and changed it).

Then there's the guy I dated last summer, (#TheBoyWithTheDragonTattoo) he still has his profile active, saying he 'wants a relationship'. When I clearly know he just wants a fuck buddy. Back then I should have known someone lying about their age was on there for the wrong reasons....

That man had the audacity to sit in my kitchen and tell me he wasn't a player, he didn't understand why good women put up with shit men.... blah blah blah... made out he was a really nice guy, who I thought was looking for similar to me. No he wasn't. He was a player, and although he didn't treat me technically badly, he lead me on for two months, when really, after a couple of dates he should have knocked it on the head. Maybe he did really like me, and had a 'rabbit in headlights' moment, or I wasn't right for him... But I'm lead to believe he's not as nice as he thinks he is. I will never know the whole truth. I am tempted to ask, but tell myself rise above it. But I hate that he's possibly playing with another woman's life...

You know, guys, if you are going to 'play' me, if it's just going to be sex, I want you to at least be drop dead gorgeous so I do get something out of this too.

And like it says above, I don't need you....

I'm resigning from on-line dating. It's not for me. It's a great concept, but like everything in life, it's being abused by lowlifes.

I know it's worked for some.... but I'm not convinced it's for me.

November Already?

Just lately I've been feeling a whole lot better about myself. I still beat myself up that I'm not writing enough, or editing - I am about to do this as soon as I've finished this blog post - but generally, in life, I'm in a really good place.

So the kids still send me barmy at times with their bickering and ignoring me. (How many times I have to tell them their dinner is on the table is beyond a joke!) But I have my house, which I am slowly adding to and personalising, and I AM a published writer, and my job isn't even that bad too - although I still die inside when a customer comes to the counter with a bag full of parcels. (Boring!)

As a Libra, I need balance, and I think I've found it. My anxiety at times peaks, and I worry (Is it really November already? Do I really have to think about Christmas shopping?) but generally, I'm good.

I have a great set of friends, and my family are good to me. There are days where I do not know where I'd be without my dad. My garden always looks amazing, and he helps me so much with jobs around the house.

We also have Rio now. He is a budgerigar. We've had him four weeks. And he's a chirpy chappy. Eventually, when he is tamer, he will be allowed out of his cage. But I want to get him really friendly and used to us first.

So the big question is, do I want to start dating again? And at the moment, the answer is still no. I still don't feel ready for the bullshit... but also, I really don't need a man in my life right now. I've got Henry (Cavill)... Tom (Hiddleston)... and even Armie (Hammer)... And they're enough :)

Henry Cavill & Armie Hammer - The Man from UNCLE
I love this picture so much!

Right, back to the editing....

He's Just Not That Into You

Who'd have thought a film would be so inspirational. It's fiction, but with so much truth in it.

Was it written by a woman, with some male influence?

A friend recommended the film He's Just Not That Into You. I ordered it; it arrived within a couple of days, and I watched it the other night.

I sat there thinking "OMG! I've heard most of those excuses."

I didn't think I'd watched the film before, but about twenty minutes in I realised I had. But clearly the first time I'd watched this movie I must have been still married and I didn't have the dating experience I now have under my belt.

Not by choice, I hasten to add. Would have been happy with #MrAquarius. But it doesn't matter how hard I try - I'm probably trying too hard! - I still end up with a broken heart - just like Gigi. I would say I'm probably not as bad as her - she may have been slightly stalkerish at times. But like Gigi, I wear my heart on my sleeve - I could empathise with this character. She looked for the positives in everything, and worried that if she didn't do a certain thing the guy would get the wrong signals. Had she told him enough of how much she was into him? Maybe she should call to let him know... because he may have lost his phone... etc. etc. etc. (I do it too! Worry).  But really, what she needed to hear was He's Just Not That Into You.

Even Drew Barrymore's character talks of the difficulties of modern dating. Because you're not only waiting for a text, there's social media, emails, all sorts of different channels two people can communicate through... so you're watching them all for that message to arrive... that doesn't.

So, I've come away from this movie enlightened, because if you're trying too hard to make a relationship work, even at the 'dating' stage, and it is really all one sided, then clearly, he's just not that into you. And you need to walk away.

Don't get me wrong, relationships are a two way thing, and both need to want it. And this could work vice versa. If the girl isn't so into the guy, the signs are the same.

However, I will say, generally a girl will tell the guy honestly that she's not into him early on, rather than make stupid excuses like 'it's not you it's me. shit.'

To be honest, you usually know after a couple of dates - I've known after the first date! - whether you want it to go further or not, or the chemistry is there... sometimes it can take a bit longer. Sometimes the chemistry is there... or so we're lead to believe... but it can fizzle. That's fine. But boys, be honest, don't drag it out!

Most (decent) women, if they don't connect with the guy, like to face their demons head on and tell it straight. We're just honest. Men are not. They tell us what they think we want to hear, rather than the honest truth, even if they don't mean it. "Yes, I'm happy to be friends" is bullshit. Why would we stay in touch? I have enough friends to go out drinking with.

And while you're 'in touch' she'll still be hoping you'll change your mind, and Mr Right might walk right past her, because she's too busy concentrating her efforts on you in the hope it will work out!

If you can't love her, set her free! Truthfully.

So girls, I recommend this movie if you need a wake up call! Because it is spot on, and you'll know if He's Just Not That Into You. 

My Online Dating Tips

I have decided to put together some online-dating tips. In the last three years of dating on and off through on-line dating sites, this is what I've learnt so far, (and will probably continue to learn when I decide to go back on-line, but for now I've taken myself off...).  It will be going into a book fictionally at some point. But I will share for fun.

In no particular order:

1) Most men on their profile will ask for someone genuine to get in touch. Sadly, this doesn't necessarily mean they are genuine in their hunt for a relationship. (See point 10).

2) Their pictures may not always match their true identity. And they can lie about age, height and weight... Make sure they've got plenty of pictures up and avoid profiles with hardly anything about the guy. If he can't be bothered to fill out a profile page, then he's not really serious in looking for love.

3) If you're looking for a relationship - usually this is why you're using on-line dating because if you just wanted a shag you would go out and get that on a night out, right? You'd think! - guys who state 'looking for a relationship' aren't necessarily being honest in that too. Really, they should have ticked the 'interested in only casual dating' button, but they know that doesn't get them a lot of interest. So just be warned....

4) If the guy doesn't show his teeth when smiling in his pictures - like in ALL of his pictures - it probably means he hasn't got great teeth... or he doesn't have any! If that's not a problem with you then fine... but if you've got a thing about teeth (I know I have!) try to get him to send a picture with him smiling, showing off his pearly whites.

5) Never, and I mean NEVER, interact with a cock shot. If his profile displays his jean-clad buldging cock (or pictures alike) do not interact. Even if you think it will be really funny to because you've had a few glasses of wine on a lonely Friday night. He is a dickhead, and you should not (pardon the pun) rise to it. You are just feeding the little prick. Ignore! Ignore! Ignore! And block him...

6) If you get into conversation with a guy because at first you thought he was genuine and then he starts asking if you want to meet up for sex, end conversation. Do not reply. Ignore, ignore, ignore. See above. Do not let him get a rise out of it.

7) If you get someone you're really not that keen on, but not sure how to turn him down gently. Start telling him about your baggage, how you've been dumped, hurt, you're still getting over your last boyfriend. They run so fast you can see dust!

8) Make sure you message for a bit on the site before swapping telephone numbers. Don't be so quick to give out your mobile number until you're certain (as best you can be) they're not weird. We can handle crazy, coz that can be fun, but we don't do weird.

9) Never message the guys. Let them message you. Let them make first contact! The boys should do the chasing from the off. This is one way of guaranteeing that they did actually like what they saw on your profile. Whether you like them is a different matter. You do not need to reply to them all. Only reply to the profiles you like. You're only giving the others false hope.

10) (Coincides with point 1) - Afterwards, when you thought you've actually met a genuine, decent guy and you think you've got great chemistry and everything is going fantastic, but he drops a great big bombshell that he is no longer looking for a relationship, or he has issues, or he's not sure what he wants any more, and it's not you, it's him, and quite clearly he's not been as genuine as you thought, but he's happy to stay in touch...

He won't, okay. Why would he stay in touch? He's just said that because he thinks that makes him look better, and he thinks that's what you want to hear. No, us girls would actually rather honesty and you grew a spine!

And he won't text you and say he's made a mistake and please take him back. He just won't. This is called romanticizing and it needs to stop. (It's my new word (which actually does exist in the dictionary) - it's fantasising about romantic ideas that just aren't going to happen, however much you want them to).

11) Stick to the three date rule... maybe even four dates. (Goes hand in hand with point 3 actually). If he likes you enough he'll wait. If he doesn't, well, you've just sifted the wheat from the chaff. And you're going to need to do A LOT of that.

12) Be yourself. If they can't love/like you for who you are, then they are not worth your time or effort. Again it's the old wheat and chaff thing.

13) However much you want to rage like a bunny boiler, always remain calm. Always be the better person. Hell, tell them they've hurt you. If these guys want to mess with girls' hearts, then they need to know what they've done, but always do it calmly and reasonably. You are the better person.

14) If he's telling you he loves you after three weeks, the guy probably has mental issues and is going to dump you in six weeks because he's unstable. He's doing you a favour... let him go! It might be worse, he might wait until you truly love him, then he dumps you... that hurts like hell. I recommend wine and a good dose of close friends.

15) If he goes a bit quite on the texting from day to day, but then texts you like mad just before the next agreed date... he's probably just using you for sex and wants a fuck buddy, rather than a relationship. Nip that one in the bud too, unless you're happy to be a doormat.

16) If it just so happens you've managed to get two dates at the same time. Do not tell them! The one you tell will try to persuade you he's the better guy. It's not necessarily so. Date both until you can make your own unbiased and informed decision - sticking to that 3 date rule of course!

17) And while you're searching for Mr Right, or The One, and it may take some time to find that one actual genuine guy on the internet not carry baggage and being a complete commitment-phobe I warn you, keep a picture of Tom Hiddleston close, to remind yourself of who you are searching for... your next hero... and besides, you can't get much better eye-candy than Tom Hiddleston (in my opinion).

If I think of any more, then of course, I'll do a part two blog post!

A Date With Dad

Today, Easter Sunday, I had a date with my dad.

I think secretly he likes that I am single again, because he has his daughter back all to himself. (Not that he would actually admit it.)

If I win the lottery, I have to buy this for Dad.

There was a classic car meet up over this weekend, and today Dad took his truck along. He'd gone along yesterday and seen a similar truck, and the owner had convinced him to bring his along today. I drove down too, and left my car parked up the other end of town so that we didn't have to stay in town all day - I had stuff to do! Fence panels to paint! And writing... which I'll do some more in a minute.

My dad has always had cars. Cars that he's cleaned up to sell, and cars to drive for pleasure. I've even had to give him a lift to collect these cars from time to time - that's the reason he was keen for me to pass my test at 17!

And with these cars, we've often gone along to similar things like today, classic American car shows etc. It's been more me, than my brother, actually. We used to go to the Guildford cruise, Chelsea cruise... even drove the London to Brighton Mini Run a couple of years on the trot - in (original) Minis of course.

We went for a long walk and had a coffee. Then, we came home, had lunch and he helped me paint my fence panels in the garden before I dropped him back off in town to collect his truck. What a dad! We got all of them done, except one, which I'll try to do tomorrow afternoon.

I've come to realise the reason I may be hard work for some men is that my dad has probably spoilt me. Not in buying me everything I've wanted type spoilt. If I've asked him to help me, he usually has, and he usually does it pretty quickly too. I don't have to wait years for something to get fixed. In fact, now I'm in my own house, he'll usually come over while I'm at work and attend my garden, or put up the shelf I wanted etc. It is done.

And that's my dad, he just didn't realise he was in this one!

My dad is reliable. He's a hard act to follow. And my partners - unknowingly - have a hard time keeping up with his pace, especially when they let me down.

I really don't know where I'd be without my dad sometimes. x x x



As you can see I've attached some photos of the cars we saw today. Some of Dad's favourites.

Dad's truck, in the sunshine.