Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

I just wanted to wish everybody (especially those I can't send Christmas cards to) a very Merry Christmas. And I hope that 2018 brings you better and brighter things than 2017.


I am certainly hoping for this. I don't really do resolutions, but I am going to work on me next year. I need to make myself stronger physically and mentally. I need to build my self-esteem so that I don't fall into the same trap again in a relationship. (More on that on another blog post maybe?)


Yesterday the boys helped with the baking. I made a Christmas cake (with photos to follow once I've decorated it.)

Kieran helped make the mince pies and Ben thoroughly enjoyed building the gingerbread house.

They may be older, and so the magic of Santa has disappeared. But as they say, as one door closes another opens. It was lovely all working in the kitchen together yesterday.

Merry Christmas, everyone,

from the Morgans x x x

Sun Chara's Recluse Millionaire, Reluctant Bride Publication Day

Recluse Millionaire, Reluctant Bride

Is his reluctant bride a business risk or a personal necessity?

Stan Rogers, recluse millionaire, must negotiate a risky deal with Stella Ryan, the exotic beauty from his past, to gain custody of his son. But how can he close the deal with her, the one and only woman who flips his switches and pegs him as the enemy?

Martial artist Stella knows she should steer clear of Stan, the man who had shattered her heart and could still destroy her. Four years have passed since their hostile business deal, and now, the American financier is proposing holy matrimony…but she’s the reluctant bride wondering, what’s he up to?

Purchase Link - hyperurl.co/6c1lte

Author Bio – Sun Chara, an Amazon top 100 bestseller, writes sexy, hip ‘n fun contemporary romance for Harper Impulse. JABBIC winner, Manhattan Millionaire's Cinderella launched her writing career, spinning the 'global millionaire’s series'. She makes her home in southern California, and has appeared on stage/film to rave reviews in How the Other Half Loves, General Hospital, and McGee and Me. With a Master’s Degree in Education, and membership in SAG/AFTRA and Romance Writers of America, she enjoys sipping designer Frappuccinos topped with whipped cream/sprinkles, and dancing on the beach…making everyday a celebration!

Sun loves to hear from her readers at:
https://facebook.com/suncharaauthorpage
https://twitter.com/sunchara3                                                                                    

Recluse Millionaire, Reluctant Bride – Extract 4

Chapter 1

# # #

"You’re not a prisoner here, Ms. Ryan," he said, tone cool.  "You’re an invited guest with whom I wish to discuss business.”

          "Why didn't you call or e-mail or drop by my studio to discuss your... er...business?”

          “In a sense, I did.”

          “Stop talking in riddles.”

          He shrugged.

          And that had her hackles rising. 

"This charade is utter nonsense.”  She moved another few steps closer, the table a barrier between them.  “I don’t like being manhandled."

          The deep sound of his laughter ricocheted off the walls.  "Heard it was the other way around."  He saluted her with his drink.

          Stella shook her head, pointing her finger at him.  "Look here, I have   a business to run.  Right now, my students are at the dojo waiting for me.”

          Stan set the empty glass on the gleaming countertop and rubbed his palms together.  "Took care of it.”

          "I demand to be relea—” She gaped at him.  “What does that mean?" she

demanded.  "You know you could be arrested.”

          "My men—”

          “Thugs.”

          “—left a memo at your studio explaining your absence."

          "Disappearance."

He shuttered his eyes to blue slits, considering her veiled warning.  "Ms. Ryan, I’m offering you my hospitality as my guest.”

          “I’m not your guest.”  She tossed her head.  “And don’t need nor want anything from you.”

          He hiked a brow, and she swallowed a lump in her throat.  Of course, he had control of her core asset and—

          "You’re on a publicity tour…Tokyo, Toronto…family demands,” he

explained, his words saturated with meaning.  “You’d be returning soon.”

          “You dared to—” A tremor vibrated from her head to her toes, shivers

prancing on her spine.

          He shrugged.  "A risk worth taking." 

          Stella paled, their one and only meeting zooming to the forefront of her mind.

          "Something wrong, Ms. Ryan?"  Casually, he slid his hands in his pockets,

confident he’d cornered her.

Stella groped for the back of a chair, the wood smooth and hard beneath her fingertips.

Like the man—unbreakable.   

"Do you often take such risks?" she tested, her voice brittle. 

          "Occasion—"

"Why?"

          "High stakes."

          "How lofty are they this time?"  She tightened her grip on the chair, her heart pounding a warning.

          "Riskiest bet of my life," he admitted.

          She wouldn’t be bridled.  “Must be, to ditch your life of the rich and

famous for that of a recluse.”

He laughed, a dark, ominous sound.  “It is.”  A shadow swept across

his eyes, and a nerve pinched his jaw.  He shrugged and didn’t elaborate.

          Tenderness pierced through her frustration.  She must be mistaken, or nuts.  Nuts to feel anything but contempt for the ogre.  She shoved the pinch of feeling away.  She didn't care, couldn't care, refused to care. 

"I don't play cat and mouse games, Mr. R."

          "You do remember."

          The gray at his temples and his beard had thrown her at first.  His

electrifying blues and commanding tone, capped off with his baiting remarks, cued her a second time in as many hours, how well he knew the game of finance and how well he wielded the rules for his benefit.  Yes, she remembered him.  He was not a man she could easily forget or how ruthless he could be.

          "How do I fit into your scheme of things this time?" Stella asked, her voice crackling with ice.     

          "Predominantly."

Proud Mum To A Teenager!

Ben in my favourite sleepsuit! 

My first born, Benjamin James (Ben) is thirteen today!

When he was first born, I saw him as my miracle baby. I only had one Fallopian tube and had doubted whether I would get pregnant naturally. And I remember, after my long laborious labour (I should have taken that as a sign, he'd take his time entering this world, he'd take his time and be laid back about everything from then on in life) that I was grateful and happy to have a healthy baby boy - weighing a whopping 9lb 4oz. If I couldn't have any more, at least I'd been given the gift of at least one baby. And I know some don't even get that, so I was filled with joy.

One memory I have, while I was still in hospital, adjusting to motherhood and breastfeeding; I'd left him in the nursery - the only place you could leave the babies unattended - so I could shower. I came back to his cot to find him gone and a brief moment of panic hit me, fearing someone had stolen my boy. I turned around and midwife held him, showing another midwife/nurse on the ward my baby, saying, 'look how handsome this baby is.' My heart filled with so much pride. (He was incredibly handsome as a baby - but I thought I was biased as his mother).



As he grows older, you can see he's the spitting image of me. And now he has glasses, we are even more similar. Even though he drives me mad, because he is pretty much away with the fairies, in his laid back state, I love him more than words can truly describe. He is laid back, quietly confident, clever (Mathematician of The Year!) and fairly mature - when not bickering with his brother. And though he'll do things that make me cross, he does so much that makes me proud, too.





Not sure where he gets being so chilled out from. My dad (Granddad Ron) and I laugh about it quite regularly. It's certainly not from me. But he loves cake and chocolate - which he does get from me! I love that he loves reading! And I've recently got this boy into Red Dwarf. He is my buddy - when I don't have to be 'Mum' and nag him.

Happy 13th birthday, Ben. May you continue to grow into a great, wonderful, mature man.

Fourteen Weeks...

It's been three months now, and still nothing. It's as if you never existed.

I suppose, if you ever did truly love me, one day you'll miss what we had and you'll get in touch. If you don't, well, I know you lied and deceived me.

Although I do hold some fond memories of our 14 months together, (and they make me miss you) they are sadly tarred by the way things ended, and my love has turned to an anger and rage that makes me think 'what were those 14 months about?'

Have I actually benefited from them in anyway? Except the expensive gifts...? I still can not fathom what they were about, other than your way to secure my love for you, while you were obsessed and infatuated with me. I have a feeling it meant nothing, because you told me how you didn't regret spending similarly on the woman before me. Maybe if money means nothing to you, the expensive gifts meant nothing too...

I was like a conquest, wasn't I? "She must be mine! I'll do everything in my power to convince her I love her and that she needs to love me, and then when I'm done, I'll just cast her aside... because she means nothing truly to me."

So no, I look back with resentment over those 14 months, my time wasted on a man who didn't deserve my attention, for he hasn't furthered my life or enhanced it. (In fact he's now led me to the last few months feeling utterly miserable - for which those 14 months certainly weren't worth it).

Like I've said before, it's like I've woken up and it's June 2016 again. I'm back, where I was in June 2016 FFS! But in a worse place mentally.

I resent you. Why? I'm looking for someone to grow old and grey with, and those 14 months could have been used to find that man, instead of wasting them on you, who I thought I was building a solid relationship with. YOU who led me to believe you were the one to be with. Then, you end it? No consideration, no lets maybe work at this... No, because you'd had your fun, you'd won me over, and now part of your game, was to just toss me aside.

Counselling has really opened my eyes. Now, I need to set to work on my self-esteem, because I've been set back 14 months, and my trust has been truly destroyed. Thank you for that.

Fake Friday With Rachel Brimble

Today, I have Rachel Brimble on my blog talking about her latest book If I Want You. Rachel and I have known each other for a few years now, as she organises our RNA Chapters in Lacock. I always value her advice as a fellow author, she's so lovely! So let's get on with the interview! 

What was the inspiration behind the story of If I Want You?

I was watching a news piece where a missing little girl had been safely found and reunited with her parents. As a mum of two daughters, the story terrified and moved me. Very soon, my emotions and ‘what if’ questions came surging to the surface.

It wasn’t long before I knew I wanted to write a story about a missing little girl and how her disappearance was in some way connected to the heroine’s past. The rest followed quickly, and I absolutely loved writing this book.

If your book, If I Want You, was turned into a movie, who would you like to play the hero and heroine?

That’s an easy question for me! I start every book by trawling the internet for pics of my hero, heroine and villain (if I have one). Mark Bolton (the hero) would be played by Harry Tressler and Tori Peterson (the heroine) would be played by Darby Stanchfield.

Who is your favourite minor character in your book?

That would have to be Principal White – she is one of the suspects in the case, and I loved writing her scenes with both the hero and heroine. She turned out to be quite a complex character that I could give both serious and humourous scenes.

What's next on the horizon for Rachel Brimble?

My next release comes out in January 2018 – A Stranger In The Cove is the eighth and final instalment in my Harlequin Templeton Cove series (all the books can be read stand-alone). I had so much fun writing this book and although the series has come to an end, I will love the characters in the series forever. They mean the world to me.

As for works in progress, I currently have an Edwardian romance and a romantic suspense under publisher consideration as well as writing another historical. Busy, busy!

Blurb: 

When local journalist, Tori Peterson, fails to prevent a child abduction outside her niece’s school, her horror and guilt sparks a vow to do whatever it takes to get little Abby Brady home to her parents.

While Tori battles the vile memories of her own kidnapping as a child, she accepts the help of widowed father, Mark Bolton. As he and Tori join forces with the local police, their attraction and intimacy grows…along with their fears for Abby.

Links are uncovered between Abby’s disappearance and Tori’s kidnapping, and Tori is forced to accept the monster who held her captive is back. But this time, Tori is all grown up, and there is no way she will let him hurt another little girl.

Buy Links:

Amazon UK: http://amzn.eu/190CYmx
Amazon US: http://a.co/c5O5R7s
Barnes & Noble: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/if-i-want-you-rachel-brimble/1127157672?ean=2940158911118
Kobo: https://www.kobo.com/gb/en/ebook/if-i-want-you

Bio: 

Rachel lives with her husband and two teenage daughters in a small town near Bath in the UK. After having several novels published by small US presses, she secured agent representation in 2011. Since 2013, she has had seven books published by Harlequin Superromance (Templeton Cove Stories) and an eighth coming in Jan 2018. She also has four Victorian romances with eKensington/Lyrical Press.

Rachel is a member of the Romantic Novelists Association and Romance Writers of America, and was selected to mentor the Superromance finalist of So You Think You Can Write 2014 contest. When she isn’t writing, you’ll find Rachel with her head in a book or walking the beautiful English countryside with her family. Her dream place to live is Bourton-on-the-Water in South West England.

She likes nothing more than connecting and chatting with her readers and fellow romance writers. Rachel would love to hear from you!

Links:

Website

Blog

Twitter

Facebook

Facebook Street Team - Rachel's Readers

Amazon Author Page:

https://www.amazon.com/Rachel-Brimble/e/B007829ZRM/ref=sr_ntt_srch_lnk_1?qid=1490948101&sr=8-1

Goodreads:

https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/1806411.Rachel_Brimble

News For US Readers! All 3 books are $0.99

US readers! All three of my books are currently $0.99 on Amazon Kindle! (or do you write it 99 cents?) 

Such exciting news! I'm not sure how long this offer will last so grab your bargain now, and escape into the English countryside, with feel good stories and adorable, handsome heroes! 

My debut novel, set mainly in Cornwall and my introduction to Tinners Bay:

Plus One is a Lucky Number

Sophie needs a favour, a wedding favour...

Sophie’s going to a wedding where the invite is strictly plus one… but with her single girl status not exactly fitting in with the bridesmaid dress code, and the best man being none other than the ex she would rather forget, Sophie needs a favour and she needs it fast!

Luckily for Sophie, her dreamy but distant co-worker Adam Reid owes their mutual friend James big time…and his gorgeousness more than fills the role of the ‘Perfect Boyfriend’!

As they take off to the sunny shores of Cornwall for the wedding weekend, it’s not long before pretence leads to passion and Sophie and Adam must decide; is their relationship real or is it all for show?

Plus One is a A Lucky Number Amazon.com link: http://amzn.to/1dPRM72

My second novel is set in Bristol, the city near where a live...

One Fine Day 

Just a boy standing in front of a girl…

Actor Steve Mason has it all … gorgeous looks, the perfect starlet girlfriend hanging on his arm and his name on every Hollywood producer’s lips. That is, until it turns out the ‘perfect girl’ is actually a perfect PR stunt! Dumped and with his name plastered across every tabloid headline, Steve decides to head home to England, questioning if he’ll ever find a woman who genuinely loves him for who he is, and not just his place on the Sexiest Man Alive list.

It’s been fifteen long years since Ruby last saw her big brother – but the new LA version of Steve complete with designer wardrobe, California tan and an American accent is too much to bear – Ruby hardly recognises him and decides it’s time to get her brother back!

With Ruby’s help, Steve goes undercover as he plays the part of a regular guy who leads a regular life. And then one perfectly fine, ordinary day he meets lovely, funny, down-to-earth Lydia. But when Hollywood comes calling, will Steve be able to leave both Lydia and his little sister behind?

One Fine Day Amazon.com buy link: http://amzn.to/1xQ1JIx

And my latest novel, returning to Tinners Bay...

Meet Me At Wisteria Cottage 

A Cornish Escape

After her house is set on fire and her love life is left in tatters, Maddy Hart can’t believe her luck when a friend offers her the temporary haven of Wisteria Cottage. Overlooking the turquoise blue waters of the Cornish coast, the fresh air feels like a fresh start for her and her broken heart.

Peeking out of the cosy cottage windows, Maddy’s surprised to see her gorgeous but insufferable neighbour Harry Tudor has been employed to landscape the garden. But as the wisteria winding its way around the cottage begins to bloom, an unlikely friendship starts to blossom…

Meet Me At Wisteria Cottage Amazon.com buy link: http://amzn.to/2jZ6CO7

Enjoy! And remember to leave a review if you enjoyed my books! Thank you x x x 

If I Were An Animal...

So true! 

Do you know what the hardest thing I'm still trying to over come? Still, after 10 weeks...

What I find hard is the fact you're going about your days without me in them. I don't even know if you miss me, give a shit about me, or anything? Do you even think about me? Wonder what I'm doing? Do you even care? Clearly not...

Yet, I still catch myself wondering about you...

It hurts that you did everything in your power to convince me that you wanted me in your life, then discarded me once you were done with me, that I no longer fitted into your terms.

It's a bit like Cora or Regina, the witches in Once Upon A Time. You've pulled out my heart, and crushed it with your bare hands.

I'm back at awful currently, but it could be worse I know.

Each day gets easier. I don't cry every day. I still get upset when I talk about you, my voice betrays me. But I still miss what we had, knowing it will never come back and can't believe you're no longer in my life. That thought still catches my breath, every day.

I miss you more when I've got the free time I would have been sharing with you. I miss that I don't have someone to tell the silly little things of what's going on in my day...  I miss that I don't have someone to cuddle and kiss, hold hands with... I miss having a partner.

It's like those 14 months were a dream. I'm Bobby Ewing stepping out of the shower... and I've gone back to June 2016 before I met you.

But the hate is setting in now. The rage that I was deceived, cheated into believing I was in a loving, safe, strong relationship. That you loved me...

I may learn to forgive you, one day... But I will never ever forget.

My counsellor asked if I were an animal, what would I be? I answered a bird in the end, because they seem to never stay still, always flitting about, which I thought represented my mind as well as me physically. Now I realise I'm more like an elephant. Head strong, determined, passionate about life but will never forget those who've hurt me.

I'm Doing Something Right

Woolacombe 2017

Last week my eldest was awarded Mathematician of the Year, Lower School for 2017. This actually is a great achievement, considering he was in Year 7 last year, so he was picked out against Year 7 and Year 8 students!

Then, last night I went to the parents evening for my youngest son, who is in Year 6 and will be moving up to secondary school next year.

As soon as I sat down, his teacher was 'well this is an easy parents evening', and gave my son such praise. From his attitude to learning to his conduct within the classroom and with his peers, she said he was a pleasure to teach. (And I know most say this, but I like to believe she meant it).

When my eldest was first born, and I'd come down from the joys of giving birth to a healthy baby, I was thinking 'oh shit - a boy'. I remembered all the boys at school when I was a girl that couldn't be bothered to learn, those that mucked about in the class room. The little shits basically. And then when I was sent a second boy, I thought my troubles had doubled.

Tyntesfield with Granddad - who never encourages them!

It is assumed that because they are boys, they will be naughty, that they will fight. (It did used to rile me when a mum would excuse her child's poor behaviour because he was a boy.)

My two are not always blue-eyed boys and they come with their flaws. They are still children, after all. They like to fight and bicker like any other siblings. Yet, one thing they both seem to do well is get on at school. (I'm pretty sure they have a personality transplant as they walk through the school gates.) I've never had a problem with them going off to school. They enjoy learning, and generally behave well for other people. They are both bright, intelligent boys, with great personalities (which they obviously get that from me! ha ha!). My fears of them being 'little shits' in the classroom have been squashed.

My eldest is lacking in some common sense at times...  it maybe the turning 13 symptoms... He can be away with the fairies which drives me and his dad mad! (I no longer take it personally when they play up for their dad at the weekends). And my youngest still knows how to throw a tantrum like a two-year-old when things aren't going his way. But generally, they are good boys, who I hope will turn out to be strong, successful, loving men.

Maybe me being a tough mum has paid off? Screaming like a banshee and expressing when I'm angry does work?

Maybe it's something their Dad and I have done right?

I Need To Find My Voice

Do you know what frustrates and angers me the most, what even hurts me more? The fact you will never know how much you have hurt me (and my children), how much you have disappointed me. That the man you turned into I never saw a hint of in the time we were together.

You will never know that I still cry, I still think about you. I still miss the days of when we were together, and I thought we were both happy and good for each other. I still wake up every morning and think 'shit he's not in my life any more'. It feels like a bad dream... seven weeks on...

I'm even left wondering what you tell your friends. 'We weren't meant to be', when you spent fourteen months convincing me that we were?

The counselling has helped me look at our relationship. I almost feel ashamed to have been so weak (as I consider myself strong) and even in some ways that I was conned/controlled by you. But I didn't see it. I wanted to please you, make you happy, so I did everything I could. And you lead me to believe you were doing the same for me... You were a man who prided yourself on being a good, decent, honest man. And you appeared that way too. You were generous, loving and thoughtful - so I believed... I thought you selfless but you were selfish...

Because a good man would work at a relationship when times get tough, and a decent man would not shower his lover with gifts only to walk away from her when things weren't quite going his way. A good man would have chosen 'us'.

I realise that in the year before you met me, you'd lived a rigid life, you'd got into a routine with work, your hobbies and your children. And although they (to quote you) 'weren't enough', when you were looking for a relationship, you wanted it to fit in around your routine and your kids. You weren't flexible, or pliable. The relationship would have to be under your terms. And only your terms. And I look back and realise how much it was! Yes, you conformed a little, in the beginning in order to keep me sweet, to entrap me, to convince me to trust you and fall in love. After all, I was an attractive, intelligent woman with a bubbly personality. You wanted me on your arm. (A trophy girlfriend maybe?)

But as soon as I started to find my voice, and air things that didn't please me - and these were only usually times when you were failing to choose us - you ended our relationship. It no longer made you happy.*

No discussion, no compromise, over.

And these were things, in a normal loving relationship that should be allowed to be discussed. I did nothing wrong I realise now. I was never unreasonable.

So yes, I feel deceived, I feel hurt. I put my all into something you weren't prepared to even meet me with half way. You waited until I had fully trusted our relationship, that I felt safe within it, then you let me go. You gave me promises you couldn't keep because you weren't prepared to develop the relationship, keep it moving forward.

You need a woman who will just slot into your routine without a quibble. Good luck with finding that kind of woman. In the meantime, I hope Karma finds her way to you.

And for me, the next man, I have to learn to speak up and have my voice heard sooner - so they can decide whether to stick around or leave me before they can hurt me. They'll need to prove their worth.

I thought I was honest and outspoken, but clearly when it comes to the fear of sounding unreasonable or demanding, I hold back.

It's not about being selfish, it's about my well-being. I need to be stronger.



(*Feel free to respond if you disagree with me - or I've got this wrong some how).

For anyone reading this blog post and are considering counselling, I would recommend it - Please message me if you'd like further advice.

I Can Do Single But....

I was thinking the other day, as I was driving, why I felt so sad.

I mean, obviously, I'm upset at the moment. I'm devastated; I miss the man I thought I was spending the rest of my life with.

Past experience assures me, that with time being a great healer, I will cope and enjoy being single again. I can do single. Easy. I don't need a man.

I'm already seeing the benefits, catching up with friends, trying out different restaurants... I feel in some ways, I've been set free.

However, what makes me sad is that all I want is to be with a partner, to have someone to share my life with. After fourteen months sharing my life with someone, I really miss that. It has proved it's what I want.

I no longer have someone to text my ups and downs to, to share all my thoughts and news, whether insignificant or significant. I wanted a partner to have mini adventures with. I have no one to love.

Being single is great. I can do what I want to do and when - money permitting. But it can be a lonely path at times when all your friends are loved up and busy with their own partners.

Another worry I have is what will the next man in my life be like? When will I feel this happiness again I was feeling this past year? Will they be better, more suitable?

They're going to have to be, if honest, because I won't settle for less. I would rather be single.

But I have this fear the past two relationships have now caused, that when it's all going smoothly, will one day he leave me, with no clear explanation, and not prepared to work at the relationship.

Can my heart take that again?

Back To Kissing Frogs...

So I discovered I wrote this back in August 2015. But for some reason I never posted it. Maybe, I was concerned of the professionalism as a writer, or that I do look like a bitter, twisted woman...

However, since having been in a fourteen month relationship, that has yet again ended due to the guy not wanting to choose 'us' and not wanting to work at the relationship, I feel I want to post what I wrote two years ago.

I'm learning men don't fall in love, they just become infatuated... and think it's love. And when the honeymoon period is over, they're off. I think men look for perfection more than women do. We are far more realistic - even me, the romance novelist...

The way my heart aches at the moment, a month on, I know I was in love. (I'm not quite in the happy place I was when I wrote this 2 years ago).

Tonight, I'm wondering what film to watch - maybe it's time I dig out #HesJustNotThatIntoYou again....

The third book is finished, and I'm editing my fourth, which involves online dating and my past experiences of it.

Anyway, this is what I wrote - two years ago! Oh, the irony... : 

I've been told that my profile (when I was on an on-line dating site) was refreshingly down to earth and honest.

But where does it get me?

Sometimes, when I'm feeling really depressed about it all, (I'm getting better) I feel like the men I have met have taken what they want from me, then moved on...

If I'm so bloody lovely, why hasn't one stuck around? (I'm kinda glad a couple haven't actually, looking back. But only time shows you this).

I have vowed to watch #HesJustNotThatIntoYou on are regular basis as a basic reminder.

I have told myself I will no longer chase men. I never really did the chasing - as a romance writer, I like the guy to make the first move - but when one shows an interest, and I get a bit attached, I then find myself doing all the work... and they're not. And there's a clue there really, isn't there? So from now on, thy shall not chase!

Thoughts keep going on around in my head of what I'd really like to put as my profile, because of all the bull I've had to listen to over the past few years. Clearly, I can't post it, because I would definitely not attract anyone, (only bitter losers who'd want to snipe back) and would look like some bitter, twisted, deranged, bunny-boiler of a woman. And I am not this. Honest. I am not!

A little crazy at times... but not weird.

But I am a little bit sick of guys wanting to find a genuine woman... only not to be all that genuine themselves, carrying god knows what baggage. If I have learnt one thing from all of this, men carry more baggage than women. OMG! Yes they do! And I thought they were the ones with balls.

My problem is I'm too honest, and I like to make sure we're on the same page from the off. So I highlight, that at the end of the day, my goal is to find someone to be in a relationship with. I think, when I start talking about this, they're hearing goddamn wedding bells. All I'm trying to say is I want to meet one guy... I am NOT looking for casual sex.

However, I'm not looking someone to move in and play father figure to my kids, I don't want to move in with them either. I'm just looking for someone I can share my time with, to do things, visit places, have fun together!

What I have also learnt about myself is that I am an 'all or nothing' type of girl. If you can't give me your all, I want nothing from you.

This is perfect, except the sweaty palms bit lol!

I will say, now taking this vow to not go looking for love, these past few weeks I have been in a much better place in my head. Yeah, sure, I worry I'm going to die lonely. But I am actually happier, concentrating on me, and finishing this third book. In the meantime, it looks like this princess will have to be prepared to kiss a few frogs... when she's ready...

Moving On

The last couple of days I've been immersed in my editing, and it hasn't allowed the head space to dwell on missing you.

I'm still waking up in the morning, though, thinking of you. I can't believe you're no longer in my life, that you're no longer my future. This stops me in my tracks at times.

When I do allow myself time to grieve, the ache in my chest returns and I feel so sad.

My friend gave me a Relate book called Moving On (Breaking Up without Breaking Down). I finished it last night, which has given me some hope I'll find happiness again.

One thing the book suggested was not to stop doing the things we enjoyed doing together. Therefore, I have been watching Gotham season 3 which is new to Neflix. We used to watch Gotham together. We devoured two seasons.

It doesn't really feel so good to watch it alone - only because I remember us cuddled on the sofa with a glass of wine, and both commenting about the twists. It was our treat once the kids were in bed.

Anyway, Lee has returned (who was Gordon's love interest  in the previous seasons) and in one of the early episodes she tells Gordon how he broke her heart, how she cried herself to sleep at night. I wonder if I'd been watching this with you we'd have realised the poignancy of Lee and Gordon

I was so with Lee.

I've pretty much cried every single day so far. Either as I'm about to go to bed, or for instance like writing this blog post, or when I'm in the car and a song comes on that feels poignant. Pink - What About Us is a good one!

You told me 'we weren't meant to be.' We were never meant to be if you weren't prepared to work at us, our relationship....

Moving On Is The Hardest Part

It's four weeks since you drove off, making this is the fifth weekend I've been left to my own devices. The past few weekends I have filled with friends and family, but this one I have chosen to sit it out alone.

I've got to get used to it at some point, right?

I mean, for the last year I have spent pretty much every weekend with you, usually at your house with your kids...

I did everything I could to fit in, to please you. I tried not to make demands, I just wanted to love you, and in return you love me.

You are still in my thoughts everyday. Sometimes I'm angry - that you weren't prepared to work at our relationship, you just walked away. Sometimes I'm just in shock that you're no longer a part of my life. It makes my heart physically ache. I just can't believe it - I pray I'm dreaming. Each day I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that you are no longer my future. At the moment I don't feel whole. I feel incomplete. And it's up to me to fix this gap, learn to be happy on my own, single again.

Friends ask if I've heard from you and I tell them no. I'm not surprised that you haven't contacted me - I did lash out to hurt you, because I was hurting myself. But, to be honest, if you can leave me so quickly, without a backwards glance, you can see how I question the sincerity of your love. I can see how you don't really care... Was it infatuation, did I just fill a gap, and once you were done, you discarded me?

I think what hurts me the most is that you knew I was afraid of this happening to me again. And yet you still did it.

Every Single Day

Every single day I say, "What have you done?" and I ask, "what did I do?"

Every single day I miss you. I am so sad that this has turned so wrong.

Each day I look back at all the good stuff we had, all the laughs and giggles, the kisses and the cuddles, all the fun memories, all the things that remind me we were good together.

Every single day I cry, I grieve... my love turns to a rage. And I mourn.

I want you to call me, for what good it will do. I know we can't go back to what we had, even if we wanted it to.

Every morning I wake up wishing it was just a bad dream, and you're still in my life...

And each night, you're in my thoughts and I wish I could understand what happened to "us".

When Will It Go Right?

And here I am again, brokenhearted.

I had hoped I wouldn't get to feel like this again. I trusted you to stick with me through thick and thin.

But here I am, lost again.

I grieve the loss of a love, a relationship... a man who I thought was my forever.

No more text messages in the morning, or last thing at night, even though you're still my first waking thoughts, and who I think of late in the evening, tucked up in bed. And I wonder what you're doing during the day, because I no longer have that contact with you.

My phone is silent, yet I look at it in the hope you'll text to say you miss me, like I miss you, so so much.

My heart hollow, I walk about empty, a dull ache in my chest, my head clouded and foggy, wondering how I got to this point, how did we become so broken, so quickly. How can I feel so happy one day and so devastated the next?

No more kisses, or cuddles, no more snuggles on the sofa watching our favourite TV shows and sharing a bottle of wine, no more little touches or making love...

My love for you has turned to a rage, yet I still love you. I'm trying not to think about you, I'm trying to go on about my day. But occasionally a memory will stop me in my tracks. I have cried too many tears.

I know time heals. I know my love for you will dull, and I will find peace... It just takes so long... For now I need to learn to live with missing you, this emptiness, this gap you've left in my life.

Positivity has left me; I'm starting to believe my only happy ever afters are the ones I write...

Fake Friday With Sonja Price

Hello! I hope you've all recovered from the bank holiday weekend, and the sunny weather that finally arrived. Today I have the lovely Sonja Price on my blog. Sonja and I met at our RNA chapter meetings in Lacock, and she's here to talk a bit about herself and her writing. 

Sonja, did you manage to get the first book you wrote published, or is it tucked in a drawer somewhere?

THE GIANTS LOOK DOWN was the first one I sent in, but I have got another story languishing somewhere in a drawer. It’s part of a process so many authors go through. Writing a book is a learning curve which may lead to you holding back if the finished product just hasn’t got that special something. My heart goes ou though to the many writers who don’t have the confidence to try to get their stories published. They get put off by their first couple of rejections and never try again.

This is my Twitter style question: Describe your hero in 140 characters.

Tall with wavy dark auburn hair, Alastair is a Scottish student of architecture and an aspiring writer, who loves jazz music

My other Twitter style question: Describe your heroine in 140 characters.

Feisty but quiet, Jaya battles against the odds to try to become a doctor in the patriarchal society of 1960s Kashmir.

What do you read while you write, or don’t you?

Almost anything. What you read accumulates and morphs in your subconscious, and can be as inspiring as any real life experience. On the downside it can influence your writing to such an extent that a crime writer I know avoids reading anything too similar when she has a deadline for fear of it influencing her style. Deadlines aside, I read all kinds of books, good and bad (but always entertaining), because I think they can stimulate and improve your style. Knowing what doesn’t work is as important as knowing what does.

Do you have a favourite author?

Too difficult to choose but I do love Iris Murdoch, A S Byatt and Margaret Atwood

What do you do with a paperback once you’ve read it?

Books are like friends. When I see them sitting on my shelf, I immediately feel at home, especially if I’ve just moved house, which has happened twice recently. If I really enjoy one, I’ll keep it, paperback or not, but if it was a holiday read then I’ll pass it on- to a friend or the charity shop.

What’s the best bit of writing advice you’ve ever received or read?

Jim Crace once told me not to write a travel report if I’m describing a location I’ve never been to but to make it seem totally familiar. This led to my heroine who grew up in the Vale of Kashmir talking of the view from her bedroom window where the moonlight would create an old lady’s face when it played on the mountainside.

What advice would you give to new writers?

Never give up. It’s often the difference between a published and an unpublished writer

What things inspire you to write? Location, music, film or even in a book?

Well in the case of THE GIANTS LOOK DOWN it was location. My imagination was ignited by a report on the car radio of the Great Earthquake in Kashmir of 2005. I discovered that the Vale of Kashmir is breathtakingly beautiful with majestic snow-covered mountain ranges cradling a valley lush in sycamore woods and fields of saffron interspersed with a pearl necklace of lakes. I thought this would make a spectacular setting for a story and it did!

What is next on your agenda after publishing your (first) book?

My new novel is about a widow’s quest to solve the mystery surrounding her husband’s death in the Canadian Wilds. Just like in THE GIANTS LOOK DOWN my story inevitably contains an innate conflict, the construction of an oil pipeline across the sacred burial sites of Native American territory, and of course a romance.

Are you nervous about friends reading your book?

Not when it’s finished but I rarely show them a draft. Someone once told me never to show your work in progress to anyone you’d eat Christmas dinner with, because they’re never likely to give you an honest answer!

Do you love or hate Facebook?

Most of the time I love it! It helps me keep in contact with friends abroad and keeps me up to date with fellow writers. It also makes me laugh a great deal. As with most things you just have to apply common sense. If you post something controversial, you have to expect responses you disagree with.

Dogs or cats?

I love both! I have a black lab/springer spaniel mix, who is an absolute joy but wrote my debut novel with a cat on my lap. Sadly I lost her but am sorely tempted to get another.

Thanks so much for a fantastic interview! Good luck with the book, Sonja. And we'll catch up soon at the next RNA chapter!


Author Bio: Sonja’s short stories appeared in Stories For Homes, the Shelter Anthology of Short Stories and In these Tangles, Beauty Lies, an anthology in aid of the Beanstalk Trust for children with reading difficulties, before her first novel The Giants Look Down came out in 2016. Longlisted for the Mslexia First Novel Competition, it also made her a finalist for the Joan Hessayon Award. Born in Bristol, Sonja studied at the University of East Anglia. She completed a PhD in English Literature and teaches English at Jena University in Germany. She is a member of the Romantic Novelists’ Association.


Blurb: At the age of 10, Jaya Vaidya decides to follow in her father’s footsteps and become a doctor, much to the chagrin of her mother and the patriarchal community of Kashmir in the 1960s. When disaster strikes, Jaya is faced with obstacles as insurmountable as the Himalayas. Just how far will she go to achieve her dream and will she have to walk away from love? Published by Robert Hale, 2016

Excerpt: Soft moaning sounds, like the ones my Granny made in her sleep, were coming from the house. The moans turned into cries of pain and the dog pulled away. Why wasn’t Pa doing anything about it? That was why we were here. Even with my hands over my ears I could still hear the woman. On and on it went. The man started shouting and the dog collapsed on the ground with a sigh. The woman’s cries reminded me of a Tibetan fox caught in a trap up in the forests around Lake Gangabal. Kaliq had to shoot it as the iron teeth had bitten clean through its back leg.

Silence. Even worse! Only swallows swooping overhead as the entire valley held its breath. Shattered by the cries of a baby and a jubilant ‘A boy!’ Brahma be praised, it was over. We could go home.

The dreadful screaming recommenced. Perhaps Pa had done something to her. I had to see what was going on. Like a snow leopard stalking a deer, I crept into the house, which was only slightly larger than our woodshed. It reeked of animal hide and smoke. My eyes took a moment to get used to the gloom. I could make out two rooms: a kitchen and another one where the woman lay. Our house was all sunny rooms and places where I could be by myself. I edged my way towards the grown-ups, towards the man with the bundle in his arms and Pa tending the woman, still writhing in agony.

She was so young. Why was the old man putting her through this? She could have been his granddaughter. Why choose a girl, in a place where so many women had been widowed by the troubles? Cast out by their families with children in tow. They would have been happy to have a husband, any husband. But this poor girl. It made me sick. I wasn’t going to have a baby, ever. She screamed and screamed and then I caught a glimpse of something round between her blood-smeared legs. Not another one! Pa eased out a head, then a shoulder and then the rest before the woman fell back onto the messy covers.

Limp, lifeless and smeary-white, it looked more like a skinned rabbit than a real baby. Pa tried to rub it to life but the woman was not moving either. He looked to the man for help but he merely shrugged his shoulders as if to say why bother with a girl? Pa laid the baby carefully in the cot by the fire, turned to the woman and drew up a syringe.

I ran around the bed and picked the baby up. I couldn’t believe how small she was. Tiny hands and feet just like my dolly. Only she was warm. The boy was crying for all he was worth, loud screeches that you’d never believe could come from someone so little. He was rosy and angry, and she was pale, almost white. Shiva! I wanted to shout. She was slipping away before she had even arrived. Pa was doing everything he could for the woman and there was no point in talking to the man if he wouldn’t even listen to Pa. I rubbed her like Pa had done before he put her down but she was growing colder and colder.

I stared into the flames and then my eyes rested on the one set of baby’s clothes laid out in front of the fireplace. It wasn’t fair! Why should she have to die? A ragdoll nobody wanted to play with. No! I wouldn’t allow this to happen. What had the herdsman done to the newborn yak? I bent and blew into her tiny mouth. Her cheeks soft and cool like goat’s cheese. No reaction. I blew more strongly into her. Nothing.

Tears pricked my eyes. I couldn’t help her. There was absolutely nothing I could do. Stupid of me to think I could make a difference. All I wanted to do was run outside. I went to kiss her goodbye but instead found myself trying one last time. The baby’s lips puckered; her face screwed up. She turned a deep red before letting out the most wonderful cry I had ever heard. The woman opened her eyes. Tears ran down her face as she reached out for her little girl. Pa looked from the baby to me and smiled.

Half an hour later we climbed back into the car, ‘When I’m big Pa, I want to be a doctor just like you!’

He stroked my head and switched the radio back on.


Contact Details:

Website: sonja-price.com

Twitter: @PriceSonja

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/sonjapriceauthor/

You can buy THE GIANTS LOOK DOWN on Amazon