I Am Happy!

I was speaking to one of my bestest friends on Sunday evening. We catch up regularly over WhatsApp and have a video chat. It's a habit we got into during lockdown, and when we haven't seen each other in a few weeks, we like to have a chat. I love her dearly. 

Anyway, I threw into conversation that I was thinking about going back to online dating. Just to maybe get a date. Nothing serious. Not like before. And she said, "I was just telling Nicola the other day that you're the happiest I've ever seen you. Don't do it." 

And she is right. I am happy right now. I love my life, I love being single and quite frankly, not having unfit middle-aged men that have so much baggage and drama mucking me around.

Don't get me wrong, some days are tough, like everyone, I have my good and my bad days. But generally, I am more than happy sharing my life with my boys, my family and my friends, and even going it alone. I am happy! 

I caught up with another friend yesterday. We lunched in Bristol. She was telling me about her online dating dramas and it assured me that I didn't need it. My mental health is so much better off with not doing online dating. 

It's so time consuming and mentally draining. Mainly this is because the messages you receive, and the lack of quality of men who message you, really starts chipping away at your self esteem. You start thinking is this the best I can do? Do I only deserve to be treated like crap? 

So nope. Not doing it. Not going back there. I love my single life. And quite frankly, if a guy does come along, he really is going to have to be some hot hero to turn my head.

I'll wait for the Universe to provide... (If it could provide a fit 50-something Norman Reedus, that would be perfect... ha ha!)

Well, well, well...

Well, well, well...

It's been a while since I updated you on my romantic (or not so romantic) liaisons. Last summer, I met a guy who I thought could be The One. We got on so well, talking about everything! It was crazy.

Then, of course, he ended it saying he wasn't ready for a relationship. I blogged about it here.

This spurred me to do something rather unlikely. With a lot of badgering from my writery friends, I applied to First Dates. (As I no longer have an online dating profile anywhere! Yep, deleted them all.)

Then one month later he came back into my life.

Let's call him #MrWells.

Now, this happened all before Christmas... (And I wrote this post before Christmas but decided it wasn't the right time of year to start ranting about idiotic men ann didn't want to taint the Christmas spirit!)

I'm not sure I want to get into the long and the short of it, only that yet again, he was a man with issues.  (Why do I always find the men with issues?) And with my past experience in counselling, the counsellor in my head now tells me I did nothing wrong. Because I did nothing wrong. (Wait till you hear it).

All I will say is, ladies, avoid men with issues. Do not empathise, sympathise, even dream of loving them, do not fear that they will be lonely. In fact, let them be exactly that. Lonely. They do not deserve you because if they do not love themselves then they will not love or respect you. And to be honest, I think they love themselves a little too much in some twisted way, and will not give two shits about you.

After two weeks of no communication from #MrWells, which I was to assume our relationship had expired, he messaged me via email. Am I to presume he deleted my number out of his phone (as I have done with his if truth be told). An email?!

And all it reads is along the lines of sorry it didn't work out between us. Still no explanation. No thank you for returning his watch. (I'll get to that).

I deleted the email without responding. I felt that as I had nothing nice to say it was best to say nothing at all.

However, you know me, I do like to have my say... so I thought I'd blog about it instead.

Dear reader, do you want to know what he did?

We've had a lovely evening, everything appeared great between us (so I thought). We'd only been seeing each other a couple of months - well it's about 4 months from 1st date, but we had a wobble which really should have told me then to walk away. (See link above.)

We watched some TV (like normal couples do) and went to bed, made love....

Now we aren't familiar yet with sleeping together regularly, so at 2am (ish) it wasn't surprising for him to say he couldn't sleep. However, he insisted he would go into one of the boys' rooms. Now being a lot bigger than me, and my boys both have cabin beds, I suggested I go and he stay in my bed.

But he insisted I stay in my own bed. So I made up the sofa bed in my son's room and left him to it. At around 2.40am #MrWells is entering my bedroom, using his phone as a torch, rummaging around in the ensuite. (Honestly it was like a burglar!) When I ask him what he's doing, he says he's gathering his belongings, he can't sleep, he's going home.

Now we'd made plans to do something together Sunday. In this growing relationship, I'd hoped we would get to spend the day together. So, in my confused and very tired state, I'm asking if he's coming back. I help him find other items that he would clearly have behind otherwise - he's a bloke after all - and see him on his way.

I can't sleep straight away, so I put all the sofa bed back etc. In the morning, I've received a message which says he's "home" at 3.43am. I reply, "Hey best text me once you're up."

NEVER GOT A REPLY UNTIL THAT EMAIL OVER 2 WEEKS LATER!

I sent his watch back to him via special delivery when my friends said I should just smash it, or just not bother sending it back until he contacted me. He didn't even thank me!

After knowing how #HeWhoShallNotBeNamed had treated me, confiding in him about the counselling, this is how I am treated! I am soooooo sick of it.

Why me? Why do these fucking arseholes come near me?

I wouldn't mind if they were drop dead gorgeous and fit as fuck, but no, they're average arseholes. And I'm so soft I let them in.

I'm really sorry to say this but the next guy really does have his work cut out to convince me he is worth his salt. Because I am DONE!

I am very happily single.

Why I Don't Have Time To Date

I've been meaning to blog again the past few weeks. In August, I will have been single two years. I have dated - or tried to - but nothing has stuck. (I really did want one guy to stick, but we just didn't quite have the right chemistry for me).

In these two years I've attended counselling, I've self counselled, and I have got on with my life and made time for my good friends. I've had some lovely mini-adventures, too!

I'm now in such a routine with keeping in contact with these wonderful people, I rarely have a spare weekend to myself. I've a great social life - it would be even better if money allowed!

I've taken the advice of Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway, and made sure all parts of my life are full and important. I'm not going to make one person my whole world. From family, to friends and career, I've tried to concentrate on it all that makes me happy.

I don't have a huge quantity of friends, I have a few that make time for me, so I make time for them. And I love them all. These are the friends that have helped me through my lows, and rejoiced and celebrated my highs. These people are important to me and my sanity!

So I'm not going to give that up, right?

A gentle reminder to myself... 

The thing is, I do really want to find that one person to share everything with. There's a part of me who needs to, if only to confirm to me that when He Who Shall Not Be Named ended our relationship, it was the best thing he could have done for me. He set me free!

I know it is the best thing he could have done for me. I mean, who wants to remain in an unhealthy and unfair relationship? However, the way he did treat me, when I thought he was being sincere, is all I ever wanted. I just want to be loved.

And if I don't find that again? What happens? He's the last man I loved? He's the last man who 'loved' me?

It's as if I need to meet someone to make sense of my past.

I hope this is true!

So, I have to believe there is someone out there who will love me so much more than He Who Shall Not Be Named. And imagine how that's going to feel?

I shouldn't let this man have a hold of me, but he does. I want proof there is better out there, and I deserve it. Otherwise it all feels like a fraud... for someone who writes romance, I can get cynical. And I don't want to be cynical. I want to believe there is someone out there for everyone.

A few weeks ago, I opened myself back up to online-dating, only a day or two later to hide my profile. I realised I was just too busy to make a date with these guys - the few decent ones amongst the baggage-ridden dross.

This is great in someways, right? I'm too busy to date. The right guy's really going to need to stick out, yes?

Therefore, do I leave it to fate? Will the right guy come along in his own good time? However, I've actually been single on and off now for nearly seven years.... I'm not sure I'm patient enough for fate!

The way of the world these days, online dating seems the only way to meet new guys. But why does it have to be so time consuming, and sometimes, even feel demoralising?

We're Not Allowed To Say This....

But... 

Sometimes there is a cause to say "Man the fuck up!"

I'll apologise now, as I may offend some maybe with the above statement but I am angry, and passionate about the way I feel. This is me! Maybe you'll understand if you read further.

So, I was dating someone and we joked about how busy we were etc. but we found the time to have the first date, and that went well. Over a week later we had the 2nd date and then a couple of weeks later we had a third.

This was slow dating for me, and each date felt like the first, with the nerves, because so much time had passed between each one we had to get to know one another again. But maybe this was a good thing, I thought, (and so did my friends) as I seemed to get swept off my feet, and then come crashing down with a bang.

Anyway, last weekend (and I'd told him prior), I said I could make myself available for a drink on the Saturday evening.

Saturday arrived, and I was texting, "Are we meeting?" a little to my annoyance, as a girl really wants to be asked out by the boy. Even in The Big Bang Theory episode (Season 2 episode 2 The Codpiece Topology) I laughed as Leslie, very clinically, let Leonard be the man to organise the dates and telling him to call her.

My response to this text was that he was at a friends.

Now I don't have a problem with that. Only if he was interested, which I believed he was, as he'd been messaging me since our last date, two weeks before, he should have said, "Sorry I have plans that night, but are you free Friday or Sunday?"

I replied with a jokey text about our next date really would be June 2020 (as it had been our little joke with each of us having busy schedules).

I've not heard anything since.

I mean, Sunday, I received no text from him. And I refused to text first. 1) Because I was the last to text, and 2) If he's interested in me then he'd message, right?

NOTHING!

So here is where I believe he should Man The Fuck Up! 

Surely I deserve an explanation, even a simple, "Sorry, I don't think this will work out." ???

No, I get the cowardice and rude approach of just leaving it dead in the air when ironically his online profile states something about being a gentleman....

And my friends wonder why I have self-esteem issues! (Although I know I've done nothing wrong.)

I believe this is an adequate example of when a man should "(gentle)man up" - in my opinion. Agreed?

Off to watch He's Just Not That Into You....

So I Gave Tinder A Go...

And the verdict?

Well, the long story short is, it's a much more visual online dating app basically.

With POF (Plenty of Fish) you can gather more information about the person you're looking at. There is more details about their personality than just the pretty pictures, although some still only look at the pretty pictures. *insert eye roll emoji here*

You can see if they smoke, how tall they are... They have filled in their 'body' type, whether they have kids, whether they're interested in having children.

With Tinder, unless the guy writes something in the profile bit, which isn't many characters, (not as much as POF - I really had to edit it down) you know nothing about him except the photos he has posted.

And if he's stupid enough not to post good quality pictures, then suffice to say, he's probably not going to get a great response... (I swipe left!)

There is a profile bit in POF and not all fill it out (I tend to avoid these profiles because if they're too lazy to put something about themselves, then what will be their approach to a relationship?) but at least if they've filled out some of the criteria stuff, you've got an idea of whether you want to meet. Especially if smoking or drinking is a big no no in your book. Or they might want kids, and you don't. Or you're 5' 8" and he's only 5'! (Just kidding, slightly exaggerating there. I'm only 5' 4).

So, I do think Tinder is possibly more for hook ups, and not anything long term.

I'm not saying nothing long term can't come from it, but it really is a case of liking each others pictures first. If you physically fancy them, you'll swipe right...

This is a great filter however. You can only chat if you've both swiped right, i.e. liked each other.

With POF anyone can message you, even if you set filters, so it makes you feel rude when you ignore their messages. Well, it makes me feel rude, but I have learnt not to reply to those I don't have an interest in. It can give them false hope. lol! And you can tell some have just looked at the pretty pictures, and not read my profile. *insert eye roll emoji again*

I distinctly say fitness is important, and men with two chins message me! I'm sooooo sorry, but I won't find them attractive, and I'm so opinionated about health and fitness, they'd soon get fed up with me. It won't work.

Anyway, still not sure about the whole dating thing at the moment. Life is good, I am busy, I might just let my fairy godmother take charge for now... (That's my way of saying I'm letting the universe handle it).

Crazy Ex-Girlfriends, Huh?

I want to share this interesting article about how the trope of the 'crazy ex-girlfriend' protects abusive men. (See the link below for article).

And now, 18 months on, and in a stronger frame of mind (thanks to the help of the counselling a year ago), I remember once when He Who Shall Not Be Named did exactly this to me.

I can't really remember the whole story, because at the time, so loved up and not the jealous type, I never took too much notice of it. I never saw the significance until lately, and from the rumours I hear of his current behaviour.

But he did just this! He implied he had a woman who was some sort of crazy ex!

We were walking along the high street (more than likely playing sodding Pokemon Go), when he told me about a woman who he said he was friends with (or something along those lines), but she'd misread the signs, 'fancying' him, and wanted more from him. And having turned her down, she'd then turned a bit 'crazy' on him.

And in his nice-natured, convincing tone, I believed him! Why wouldn't I? He seemed such a nice guy - back then! The man who spoilt me, and loved me... as long as it was on HIS terms...

I realise now he was protecting himself in case this woman did see us together and tried to warn me about his narcissistic, selfish tendencies, and his lies. He could quite possibly cheated on me. I will never know. But he was grooming me to believe him, and not her, should she appear.

Because she was the crazy ex!

Ladies, I urge you to read this article. I don't know how else to protect you. If I knew the women He Who Shall Not Be Named was dating, I'd be messaging every single one of them!

(The irony is they do end up messaging me, and I'm happy to hear from them, and put their minds at rest).

If you EVER meet a man who claims to have a "crazy ex-girlfriend" or two, delve a little deeper - and remember there are two sides to every story! Maybe she's not that crazy, after all...

How the trope of the 'crazy ex-girlfriend' protects abusive men. 

To Tinder Or Not To Tinder

So, the other night, I'm lying in bed thinking, like normal, rather than sleeping... and it's going through my head, do I join Tinder for research purposes?

I mean, at the moment, I'm not really that fussed about dating. I'm liking life single. And well, we all know how depressed I get when I start going online and see the dross I have to put up with.

However, on the phone the other day to my agent, discussing future books, my writing career etc. etc. etc. and she said something about the online dating I'd used in the book that's been rejected; it didn't have the swiping left and right which is associated with online dating. And I replied, that is only if you want a shag. Those genuinely wanting to find a relationship actually look at profiles and message. And besides, I was basing my fictional online dating site on something like Plenty Of Fish, where there is the 'Meet Me' facility. But you don't need to swipe to message one another. You can view profiles and send messages without swiping. The 'Meet Me' is actually a paid for option.

I think those that haven't used online dating, don't realise that it is not the only way to meet people. Different sites work in different ways. And I tried to incorporate that into the 'rejected' book. (Book 4 as it's the 4th book I've written).

So, I'm thinking, having NEVER been on Tinder, should I go on there and see what the whole swiping left and right thing does?

Or do I want to get sucked into another dating app which will waste my life and make me miserable.

But it's for research...

Anyone been on Tinder... can you recommend?

Do Soulmates Exist?

Do you believe in soulmates?

As a romantic novelist I do... I'm writing about them, aren't I? But in reality, do they really exist?

This month marks that I have been separated/divorced from my ex-husband seven years. In this time, through online dating, I have met quite a few a couple of guys, and one in particular really did make me think I'd found my soulmate. But it wasn't to be. He Who Shall Not Be Named conned me out of my heart basically. I won't go into too much detail in this blog post. Let's just say I've written enough discussing it in the past. You can start here if you like. But I did waste 14 months of my life on the wrong man who made me believe he was my Mr Right.

Anyway, seven years single... on and off... and I'm still wondering will I find my Mr Right? Will I find someone who ticks most of the boxes. Maybe 'ticking boxes' is a crude term, but we all have things we look for in a partner, don't we? (Or is it just as we get older?)

And I'm not talking about materialistic boxes, I'm talking about their personality, their attitudes and beliefs in life. (Some of the materialistic ones are important too - you're a liar if you say they are not). These boxes are what help us click.

The longer I live a single life, the more I'm getting to enjoy it, and I'm not even sure I want to make time for someone else. But then occasionally I miss the kisses, the cuddles, the intimacy, someone to share everything with.

I did meet a guy last year. He really was one of the good guys. I know he was. My womanly-sixth-spidery-sense told me. He ticked every box going and some! However, there wasn't that 'spark' - not for me anyway. I am still kicking myself. I really really wanted there to be a spark!

But it's something you just can't force. Mother Nature won't let you.

Why does life send me arseholes to fall in love with, and when a good guy comes along I don't fancy them? (And it's nothing to do with falling for bad boys - if you ever saw He Who Shall Not Be Named there was definitely nothing bad-boy about him!) It makes me think I'm best not looking for love.

If you truly believe you've found your soul mate, then hang on to them, work at it when times get tough, and treasure every moment with this person, because I believe finding a soulmate is very few and far between. Not everyone gets to meet theirs. You are truly lucky.

So as I enter 2019, like I did 2018, single, I will see where it leads... Back in 2013 I was afraid of being on my own. For 2019, I can say confidently, I am not afraid anymore.

If only Tom Hardy would have me as a friend with benefits...

Be Ashamed. Very Ashamed.

Isn't it funny how the guilty play the victim?

I feel I need to tell my side of the story. To prove who really is the victim...

I met He Who Shall Not Be Named on an online dating site. We chatted there a bit, then moved it to text messages - as you do.

During these early messages, He Who Shall Not Be Named at first sent me a couple of pictures with his boxers on, but clearly suggestive that he was aroused. I rolled my eyes (not that he could see that) - I was in the playground collecting my kids from school - and we had a giggle about it over texts.

I will state we hadn't met yet. 

Then, I'd come back from the pub with a friend one Friday night. I was in a fantastic mood - because my mate always makes me feel good and we'd had two bottles of Prosecco between us - and He Who Shall Not Be Named asked if he could send me some more pictures.

I replied drunkenly, "Yes, as long as they're not indecent."

I have no need for dick pics - certainly when I haven't even met the man.

Yes, well guess what, dear Reader, guess what he sent...

Not one, or two, or three, BUT FOUR pictures of his erect penis over WhatsApp. A couple in the shower, and couple in bed.

I went absolutely ballistic. I mean BAT SHIT CRAZY! I was fuming! (Anyone seen me when I'm angry, I give the Hulk a run for his money).

I think I replied something along the lines in between my Hulkish rant, "Are you even going to bother asking me out on a date or are you wasting my effing* time?"

*much harsher word used, beginning with F - trust me. Effing Fuming I was. Effing Fuming.

To this day, I wish I'd never met him. I should have seen the warning signs then and there, but we did meet, he was apologetic, and from then on, in the fourteen months we were together he showed remorse and appeared ashamed of his behaviour. I thought the man I'd fallen in love with could not have been the same guy who'd sent me these obscene photos... He was too nice. Too decent. I'd even discussed with him why he'd done it, and he'd replied he'd been advised it was the thing to do. I advised him then it was NOT the thing to do.

He came across inexperienced in the dating game. And so, embarrassed for him, I never shared with my friends his initial behaviour. (A couple of friends knew because at the time the Hulk wasn't rational and I needed to be calmed back to my Bruce Banner state).

I wish I had share this information with more friends!

So, what do I find out now? He's still doing it. He is still sending women, whether they want them or not, indecent pictures of his dick as his chat up line.

So he never was truly remorseful. He hasn't learnt by what I said. He even now switches it around, the women are the liars, the woman asked for these images...

I mean, I imagine, if you're sending something obscene unsolicited, someone isn't going to like it and will complain. Don't make out you've done nothing wrong!

Well, I hope the next woman you send your dick too, she plasters it all over the internet with your name attached to it. (Best way to do this would be screenshot it - he can't deny it's not his then!)

So in my Samantha-then-Janus, Game On voice, I say:

Be ashamed. Be. Very. Ashamed.

One Year Single - Almost

I've been meaning to blog about life and positivity (why does blogger not like this word? MS Word likes it!) and all that.

I wasn't sure whether to wait until I'd officially made it to one year single. That's the 23rd August, by the way. I remember it very clearly - hardly can forget being dumped by text (very suddenly) by the man who swore he loved me.

One day, it will blur to oblivion. Like the others. And he will be insignificant.

It still hurts. And I still catch myself thinking I can't believe he's gone at times. Not as often as I used to though.

Compared to me a year ago, well, I have changed - a lot.

And for the better! (I hope.)

For one, I have been set free! Oh My God! No longer traipsing to his every weekend to sit with his kids, watch him cook, while I drink myself fat! I've done sooooo much in this past year, and have so many more future dates booked with good friends. People who are so important to me will stay firmly placed in importance in my life from now on. (And I feel I have so many people to catch up with, or to continue to stay in touch with but money and time fail me. Boo!)

I have discovered pornstar martinis! I've been to different restaurants, visited friends - near and far. I have had so much fun!

I'm not crying like I was - everyday. Now it might be a bit of a sob at This Is Us. 

And my body is a hell of a lot fitter and so is my mind.

Exercise has helped on both accounts. And the way I look at exercise is that I'm making time for myself.

Even though some mornings I'm thinking why for the love of God am I doing this, I get up earlier to work out (this may change in the winter). I'm lucky to be able to do this now as the boys are older and I can leave them for half hour while I run. I've lost over half a stone without even trying really, just because I've made time to exercise more (including at the weekends because I'm not sat around watching him cook, drinking wine... )

And this exercise then affects my mind. I'm a big believer in healthy body = healthy mind. I'm feeling better about myself. Exercise does release endorphins, natural anti-depressants.

I also think my improved mindset is due to the continuation of writing my three positives a day.

Don't get me wrong, I have my bad days, where my kids are shit, and I'm swearing at them (I don't feel good about this but I get to the point now they're older I can't hold it in - I was probably doing it when they were younger, but they didn't know I was uttering bad words). And I'm more conscious about my rage in the summer with the windows open too! So I tend to feel terrible.

Bad days include when I'm beating myself up that I'm not writing, or I'm doing things I don't want to do (housework is among that - I have so many jobs around this house I need to do and don't make the time to do them). Or I haven't caught up with this friend, or I really want to revisit another. And work 'work' is shit with its stupid pettiness.

But these three positives, each night, make me search hard into my day and they eradicate the negativity.

Okay, so far 2018 has been fairly kind to me - I am waiting for the curve ball. Or was last years enough for me for now? But I've had a book rejected, and had to struggle with editing it and my confidence as a writer. I have money worries - who doesn't as a single parent? Will my car last for another year or two, or three?

Anyway here's to a year being single (almost) and probably another few... because I'm not sure I've actually got time to date yet.

Occasionally I think about it... and then I remember how it brings me down, how it's depressing. Because most of the men on there are idiots. I mean, if that's the best I can get, I'm remaining single!

Thou Shall Not Chase

Maybe I should title this the trials and tribulations of a dating single mum...

I mean, when I am messaging some guy I hope to date, my eleven year old is looking over my shoulder and asking "who am I texting?"

"Just a friend." *lie mode cancel*

I just don't have that many friends, let alone ones that text me regularly. The day he realises this I am rumbled.

When someone does start texting me regularly I actually have to put my phone on silent so that the kids don't get too curious.

So, yeah, I've ventured, on and off, again, with the online dating malarkey thing.

I'm a sucker for punishment. Obviously.

And it's nice to get a text message, to feel wanted, that someone has thought about you enough to message.

However, it's a game half the time.

But I've got to start somewhere, right?

The thing is, I'm not even sure I'm ready. I get bored with it quickly - well, men, I get bored with men. And I don't mean in a slutty way. Nope, I just get bored with the messaging, or when they don't message, or when the messages have clearly been sent by their dick... In the end I'm doing the Jessica Jones eye roll gif. Yeah, you've seen the one!

A conversation with a very wise friend recently, she confirmed what I already knew - as she's been on the planet a bit longer than me - men really do think with their dicks.

I just now need to remember this - always!

I've now got a trust issue (thanks to my previous relationship - insert Jessica Jones Eye Roll Gif again)... I mean, when dating, messaging, whatever, I'm thinking; does he just want sex, is he a player, or is he genuinely looking for a long-term relationship? Or will he say he wants long-term, and just leave once he's done with me.

The ones that appear genuine I don't fancy.  They're not unattractive but I just don't fancy them! There isn't the spark! I really want there to be but it isn't there. And they're real sweethearts and I've got to turn them down for another date.

And go back on that bloody app!

Then there are ones I find attractive, but there can't be much of an interest for them... because they don't even message me back! Really should just stick to my Thou Shall Not Chase, and let the guys message me first.

The other ones I do find attractive, that there is a spark, I'll be like, is he a player, will he bolt at the first argument, can I actually trust he's genuine?

There is so much I want to put on my profile, but it'll make me look bitter and twisted, and insight inappropriate comments probably. But I just don't want to play games, and Thou Shall Not Chase!

What I have discovered also is the double standards. Guys want pretty women, with a great figure who keep themselves fit, yet they're not exactly 'fit' themselves (when I come to meet them). They have the nerve to tell me they don't find overweight women attractive... but when I'm meet them, they are overweight themselves! Now, I'm not looking for someone who is obsessed with the gym. I just want someone who takes health and fitness seriously.

Also, all these men are looking for strong minded, independent, interesting women... but they actually don't know what to do with one once they've got her. Heaven forbid she disagrees with them. (Oh, they'll walk out of a perfectly good relationship... that's what they'll do...) Really, they want doormats... only they don't find them attractive.

So do you want to know why I write romance? Because like I have on my website profile, let's face it. men in reality don't exist like the heroes in books. And occasionally, us women like to meet men who don't constantly think with their dick... These men can be found in books.

The Clean Shave Debate

Okay, so I've returned to the online dating scene. (What can I say, I'm a glutton for punishment.)

At one point I did have on my profile I was considering waiting until beards were out of fashion.

Most of the men - because it's the trend I assume and not because they're lazy - either have beards or stubble. But I am not a fan of facial hair - so I'm finding it hard to find guys to date.

Some guys wear it well, I won't argue that... It can look rather sexy... that's okay until you come to intimacy and you've got sensitive skin. How many men actually groom their beard/stubble?

Personally, I think it ages a man's face... so I empathise with guys in their twenties trying to ditch a baby face if they have one. But I'm not dating those... I'm looking for men in their forties. (Who look then much older with a beard *insert eye roll emoji*)

Anyway, my preferences aside, I was thinking the other day, as I was editing my latest novel, do readers prefer the heroes to be clean shaven or with facial hair?

I write all my heroes clean-shaven, basically because I prefer my men clean-shaven. Nothing like kissing a freshly shaved face. Lips softer, less grazing, and usually the smell of soap or aftershave... mmmm.... I don't want my heroine, like me, left with stubble rash and a red raw face.

So readers, when you're reading romance - do you like your heroes clean-shaven? Or have you not thought about it before? I'd love to know your preferences.

And romance writers - do you write your heroes with or without facial hair?

And I'd love to know how you combat kissing a man with stubble in reality! So tell me your secrets!

(On this note it will give me an excuse to post two pictures of Tom... clean or stubble?

Do you have a celebrity you prefer clean or not?)

I Can Do Single But....

I was thinking the other day, as I was driving, why I felt so sad.

I mean, obviously, I'm upset at the moment. I'm devastated; I miss the man I thought I was spending the rest of my life with.

Past experience assures me, that with time being a great healer, I will cope and enjoy being single again. I can do single. Easy. I don't need a man.

I'm already seeing the benefits, catching up with friends, trying out different restaurants... I feel in some ways, I've been set free.

However, what makes me sad is that all I want is to be with a partner, to have someone to share my life with. After fourteen months sharing my life with someone, I really miss that. It has proved it's what I want.

I no longer have someone to text my ups and downs to, to share all my thoughts and news, whether insignificant or significant. I wanted a partner to have mini adventures with. I have no one to love.

Being single is great. I can do what I want to do and when - money permitting. But it can be a lonely path at times when all your friends are loved up and busy with their own partners.

Another worry I have is what will the next man in my life be like? When will I feel this happiness again I was feeling this past year? Will they be better, more suitable?

They're going to have to be, if honest, because I won't settle for less. I would rather be single.

But I have this fear the past two relationships have now caused, that when it's all going smoothly, will one day he leave me, with no clear explanation, and not prepared to work at the relationship.

Can my heart take that again?

The Next Project

And so, while I await the launch of my third book, (Meet Me At Wisteria Cottage - 6th April 2017) I am cracking on with the writing of my fourth novel. This one is going to be based around online dating as I have plenty of material from my own personal experiences to use.

It's a shame I can't actually take my heroine through the last four years of my life; she's going to have a mini squashed down version of my experiences.

Today, though, while writing Maya (that's my new heroine's name), I realised this character is the closest based on me. All my others have been younger, single women, with no children, searching for their one true love. Maya is on a different journey. I didn't want to make her a divorcee, so I've made her a widow. She is in her late thirties, but the dreaded forties (which we all know when we reach them isn't so bad after all) are on the horizon.

When her husband died she was very much still in love with him, so her journey is going to be harder, haunted a little by the ghost of her husband, having him high on a pedal stool in her memory.

I've chosen children that are of similar age to my own too. Only because I'm not sure how teenagers properly act yet - having not got one (yet) - and although I remember my children younger, they're better as research at this age, because I can see what they're doing. Maybe I can even blackmail them... "do that and it'll go in a book!"

This morning was a trying day with my kids, I'd lost the plot... the will to live... And the emotions of an intelligent single mother, fed up with the nagging and mundane repetitiveness of the day to day stuff rubbed off onto Maya. She drinks wine, too. Maya's story is coming easily to me.

I've got the hero in mind, and I will need to weave some online dating adventures of his own in. Luckily I've been given some male perspective on this too. At the moment I just can't decide what he does as a job but the good thing about writing is, I can weave it in later. In the meantime, I'll just try to write 3000 words a week, and aim for this first draft to be finished by the summer.

New Year New Book

This is what I think I should do to plot a book... 

New Year, new resolutions and all that.

I'm not very good at making those, but I have started writing my next book.

What with my four years of online dating experience, I have been urged (by my current beau #TheBoss - who I met through online dating) to write my online dating story. I mean I have so much material!

I've noticed writers say they're going to write 1000 words a day, etc. and for me that's no good. It's not possible. I'd be failing before I even started. There's no point setting yourself something unachievable. It's not motivational.

I work part-time, so on the days I work, I don't tend to get to write. I have two kids, so I try not to write during the evenings, and use that time to relax and read. And now I have a new man - who takes up my weekends, so there's no way I can sit down every day and bash out 1000 words.

Anyway, I got to thinking; what if I try to reach 5000-7000 words a week. I have three days a week where I try to set aside writing. Although even I don't get write on all of these days sometimes.

At the moment I don't think even this is possible, as I am in the throws of researching (which I tend to do a bit as I write because I'm the pantster type writer apparently...) I'm just not very good at the whole plotting thing. I just end up writing and research as I go. I make notes, don't get me wrong, and make sure I put the main points I need to get into the book, but I like how the story comes to me from my head through my fingers on the keyboard, and onto the screen.

Then I got to thinking, well what if worse case scenario, I only got 3000 words written a week, in those 3 days... How long would it take me to write approximately a 90,000 word novel. So I did the math.

Basically, it would take 30 weeks, which is around 7.5 months (if they're all 4 week months!). Well that's not so bad. I could be looking at by the end of July having the first draft finished.

So that's my plan. It might be a bit longer than that as we need to factor in school holidays - but some weeks, once this novel really takes off, and I don't have to think up new names, or sneak off to the internet for some research, I'll get more than 3000 words written a week - easy.

I do use a spreadsheet to see how many words I write a day, so I can monitor my progress and see if I'm on target. I've marked off the 90th day. So let's see if I can do this.

Currently it's working title is The Golden Rules To Online Dating.

Grateful For The Little Things

Friends keep asking me how the dating is going, and I have to reply, it's not, basically.

I've disabled/hidden my online dating profiles - again! I've been finding the whole thing rather depressing... on the whole, I've been thinking is that the best I can do? Some like the DIYDaveys just insult my intelligence, and have quite clearly not read my profile.

A couple of weeks ago, tulips in full bloom.

I don't want to sound like I have my head up my arse, or anything like that, and I don't like hurting people's feelings, but some of these guys really are punching above their weight. I'm fairly attractive, and intelligent, and I need someone like-minded on health and fitness sides of things... and some of these guys are not fitting into that criteria, at all!

"How R U finding this sight?" 

Hmmm... my vision is great thanks.

Taken a couple of weeks ago

And to be honest, I'm so happy with my life at the moment. It would be nice to share it with someone, but I'm not settling, and I'm actually rather busy. I have found so much more time to exercise, write... and catch up with friends for coffee.

I know life likes to send a curve ball, I'm waiting patiently for mine, however at the moment everything is great. I've got a hot holiday booked in the summer with a friend and I can't wait for that! I love my house, I love it so much, and this time of year, I'm reminded how fabulous my garden is...

I have truly fantastic friends -  online and ones who live locally. Life is going well... for now. I even have officially signed with an agent, and will be working on Book 3 to get it published.

Yeah, so I'm grateful for the little things. I do wonder if Mr Right is really out there for me... what if he isn't? I think I just need to live my life, and what will be, will be...

The Six Date Rule

Yes, I know usually it's a three date rule, i.e. that you'll last out until the third date before sleeping with the guy. (If you needed it clarified).

Well, after last summer, my good friend set me a six date rule. She hoped this would help protect my heart and self-esteem, as I tend to fall too quickly, or get carried away with it all, to then get dumped fairly quickly after they've had want they wanted. I then tend to start feeling like I was a bad person, and my friend has to reassure me that I am not.

The idea is if a guy likes you that much, he will wait. And it will give you time, too. And if a guy has waited that long, maybe he'll take the whole relationship idea a bit more seriously too... It's a theory, anyway.

As you know, I'm way too honest for my own good, and I've told a couple of guys that I've dated I'm on a 'six date rule'. So far of the four dates I've had this year... they've only lasted the one date. lol!

At first I thought maybe I shouldn't be so honest. But actually, it's done me some favours. I mean, if the guy is THAT hot, I'll want to jump into bed with him immediately anyway, and the six date rule will keep my head focussed for a bit longer... I may not last the six dates... (but I don't know yet, haven't really met anyone I've wanted to sleep with immediately to test it). In other ways, it does help me out. Of a couple of dates, I knew there wasn't really the chemistry there, so the six date rule makes a good excuse. "Oh, I couldn't possibly sleep with you on the second date... I'm on a six date rule." You get the idea.

And those just after sex, well, it's weeded those out too... because they certainly don't want to invest time and effort into six dates...

I don't think guys get that most women can't just jump into bed with them. For women, on a whole, with sex there needs to be a mental/intellectual meeting of the minds, as well as the physical. And usually, if the minds meet, the physical attraction grows.

So if you're looking for an excuse to not jump into bed with someone, or you want to test whether a guy will wait, and feels you're worth it, (and isn't out for just one thing) give yourself a six date rule.

Rules can be broken, I mean if Henry Cavill turned up screw the rule....

from Henry Cavill Fanpage

But for all those others, the rule might just help....

I May Be A Dreamer...

But I'm a realist too.

I know that I'm not going to meet Mr Right immediately. Some may only be Mr Right Now.

Each day I'm participating in the online dating game, each day I am learning. My friend even said yesterday I'm so much better at it than I was two years ago.

I am trying not to over think past the first date. But this can be hard, when the end goal is I'm trying to find a suitable relationship, and in your forties, you don't want to be wasting time. It's so much different, than when you were in your twenties!

I still do over think to a certain extent, but I've learnt with recent 'dates' that the no "sexting" rule is a very good idea until you actually meet in person. Then, if you still fancy one another, then it's quite fun!

I had a date on Sunday, and all week we'd been texting and we seemed to be on the same page. He made me laugh a lot. We were both very sarcastic but I discouraged too much flirting... and thank the stars I did. Our first date went well, so I thought. However, once he'd arrived home and text me there wouldn't be a second date.

Which is fair enough. If I'm not for him... then I'm not for him. (I still got the let's be friends text though - why do men do that?)

And so back to the drawing board...

I really have got to write a book containing online dating. The stuff I'm getting is cracking... although I do wonder if they'd believe it in a book.

I received this the other day... From now on, the no-hopers will all be known as DIYdavey.

Yes, unfortunately, there are a lot out there, just like DIYdavey that believe this approach is the way to woo a woman...

There are so many things wrong with the above. Firstly, it's Pride and Prejudice! (If you're going to insult me do your research first).

I didn't respond. I've learnt this actually encourages these morons further. If I had replied it would have gone along the lines of I'd rather die a miserable old hag, all the same, DIYdavey...