Hindsight Is A Beautiful Thing

And frustrating!

For those who follow me on Facebook... Last Wednesday was going so well. I had a date. Which lead to another date, and then spending the majority of my weekend getting to know this date better.

By Monday, and having the shittiest day at work on record. (Or maybe I've just forgotten the other shitty days - but it's why I really want to concentrate on becoming a Virtual Assistant and get the hell out of retail - but hey, I digress...)

I came home and really wanted to hear this man's voice.

I hated myself that I felt like this. I hated this frustrating feeling that I would have to wait as he would be busy with work. I felt needy and impatient. However, I also liked it. It meant I'd found someone again, someone worth caring about. I thought I'd found someone I'd connected with.

You know there's a but coming don't you?

BUT... I never got that call... and maybe there was shit going on in his life too... (so I'm not completely unreasonable about not receiving the call) but what he did send was a text with the implication he wanted to "slow things down".

FFS!!!!!

I am so sick of meeting men on online dating sites that aren't ready for a relationship. So why the fuck are you on there then?

Men hold more baggage than women. I swear. It's a fact! They are the tormented heroes we read about in our romance novels and that I write about, ironically!

They all need counselling! 

And yes, it is a gamble meeting someone. Someone might get hurt. But as long as it's not deliberate, then that's okay. I totally understand if it's not working or it's not right, then it should end.

And after how He Who Shall Not Be Named treated me, I fear it happening again - of course I do! I fear wasting my time on another man not wanting to work at a relationship. But I have to trust the next guy because otherwise I'm taking my shit with me into the next relationship, and that's not fair on them. And definitely will not help the new relationship to move forward.

I met a lovely guy a few weeks ago, and the spark was not there for me, so I had to turn him down for a second date. I hate that I might have hurt him, but I'd have caused more pain if I'd carried it on for longer.

So I'm going to reiterate this one more time... for men and women reading this post:

To attend counselling does not make you weak. It means you are strong. It means that you realise you need help to return to full strength.

Never think attending counselling makes you weak. Far from it!

You can not help those that will not help themselves. By attending counselling, you're taking the first step to help yourself. This is so important.

At least my counselling allows me to know this was not may fault. Nothing I could have done differently to change this man's thoughts. I just feel incredibly stupid, used and gullible because he lied to me. He implied he was ready when he was not. And if he'd been honest, I'd have done things very differently. (And would not be feeling as angry as I do!)

Why I Don't Have Time To Date

I've been meaning to blog again the past few weeks. In August, I will have been single two years. I have dated - or tried to - but nothing has stuck. (I really did want one guy to stick, but we just didn't quite have the right chemistry for me).

In these two years I've attended counselling, I've self counselled, and I have got on with my life and made time for my good friends. I've had some lovely mini-adventures, too!

I'm now in such a routine with keeping in contact with these wonderful people, I rarely have a spare weekend to myself. I've a great social life - it would be even better if money allowed!

I've taken the advice of Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway, and made sure all parts of my life are full and important. I'm not going to make one person my whole world. From family, to friends and career, I've tried to concentrate on it all that makes me happy.

I don't have a huge quantity of friends, I have a few that make time for me, so I make time for them. And I love them all. These are the friends that have helped me through my lows, and rejoiced and celebrated my highs. These people are important to me and my sanity!

So I'm not going to give that up, right?

A gentle reminder to myself... 

The thing is, I do really want to find that one person to share everything with. There's a part of me who needs to, if only to confirm to me that when He Who Shall Not Be Named ended our relationship, it was the best thing he could have done for me. He set me free!

I know it is the best thing he could have done for me. I mean, who wants to remain in an unhealthy and unfair relationship? However, the way he did treat me, when I thought he was being sincere, is all I ever wanted. I just want to be loved.

And if I don't find that again? What happens? He's the last man I loved? He's the last man who 'loved' me?

It's as if I need to meet someone to make sense of my past.

I hope this is true!

So, I have to believe there is someone out there who will love me so much more than He Who Shall Not Be Named. And imagine how that's going to feel?

I shouldn't let this man have a hold of me, but he does. I want proof there is better out there, and I deserve it. Otherwise it all feels like a fraud... for someone who writes romance, I can get cynical. And I don't want to be cynical. I want to believe there is someone out there for everyone.

A few weeks ago, I opened myself back up to online-dating, only a day or two later to hide my profile. I realised I was just too busy to make a date with these guys - the few decent ones amongst the baggage-ridden dross.

This is great in someways, right? I'm too busy to date. The right guy's really going to need to stick out, yes?

Therefore, do I leave it to fate? Will the right guy come along in his own good time? However, I've actually been single on and off now for nearly seven years.... I'm not sure I'm patient enough for fate!

The way of the world these days, online dating seems the only way to meet new guys. But why does it have to be so time consuming, and sometimes, even feel demoralising?

So I Gave Tinder A Go...

And the verdict?

Well, the long story short is, it's a much more visual online dating app basically.

With POF (Plenty of Fish) you can gather more information about the person you're looking at. There is more details about their personality than just the pretty pictures, although some still only look at the pretty pictures. *insert eye roll emoji here*

You can see if they smoke, how tall they are... They have filled in their 'body' type, whether they have kids, whether they're interested in having children.

With Tinder, unless the guy writes something in the profile bit, which isn't many characters, (not as much as POF - I really had to edit it down) you know nothing about him except the photos he has posted.

And if he's stupid enough not to post good quality pictures, then suffice to say, he's probably not going to get a great response... (I swipe left!)

There is a profile bit in POF and not all fill it out (I tend to avoid these profiles because if they're too lazy to put something about themselves, then what will be their approach to a relationship?) but at least if they've filled out some of the criteria stuff, you've got an idea of whether you want to meet. Especially if smoking or drinking is a big no no in your book. Or they might want kids, and you don't. Or you're 5' 8" and he's only 5'! (Just kidding, slightly exaggerating there. I'm only 5' 4).

So, I do think Tinder is possibly more for hook ups, and not anything long term.

I'm not saying nothing long term can't come from it, but it really is a case of liking each others pictures first. If you physically fancy them, you'll swipe right...

This is a great filter however. You can only chat if you've both swiped right, i.e. liked each other.

With POF anyone can message you, even if you set filters, so it makes you feel rude when you ignore their messages. Well, it makes me feel rude, but I have learnt not to reply to those I don't have an interest in. It can give them false hope. lol! And you can tell some have just looked at the pretty pictures, and not read my profile. *insert eye roll emoji again*

I distinctly say fitness is important, and men with two chins message me! I'm sooooo sorry, but I won't find them attractive, and I'm so opinionated about health and fitness, they'd soon get fed up with me. It won't work.

Anyway, still not sure about the whole dating thing at the moment. Life is good, I am busy, I might just let my fairy godmother take charge for now... (That's my way of saying I'm letting the universe handle it).

To Tinder Or Not To Tinder

So, the other night, I'm lying in bed thinking, like normal, rather than sleeping... and it's going through my head, do I join Tinder for research purposes?

I mean, at the moment, I'm not really that fussed about dating. I'm liking life single. And well, we all know how depressed I get when I start going online and see the dross I have to put up with.

However, on the phone the other day to my agent, discussing future books, my writing career etc. etc. etc. and she said something about the online dating I'd used in the book that's been rejected; it didn't have the swiping left and right which is associated with online dating. And I replied, that is only if you want a shag. Those genuinely wanting to find a relationship actually look at profiles and message. And besides, I was basing my fictional online dating site on something like Plenty Of Fish, where there is the 'Meet Me' facility. But you don't need to swipe to message one another. You can view profiles and send messages without swiping. The 'Meet Me' is actually a paid for option.

I think those that haven't used online dating, don't realise that it is not the only way to meet people. Different sites work in different ways. And I tried to incorporate that into the 'rejected' book. (Book 4 as it's the 4th book I've written).

So, I'm thinking, having NEVER been on Tinder, should I go on there and see what the whole swiping left and right thing does?

Or do I want to get sucked into another dating app which will waste my life and make me miserable.

But it's for research...

Anyone been on Tinder... can you recommend?

Back To Kissing Frogs...

So I discovered I wrote this back in August 2015. But for some reason I never posted it. Maybe, I was concerned of the professionalism as a writer, or that I do look like a bitter, twisted woman...

However, since having been in a fourteen month relationship, that has yet again ended due to the guy not wanting to choose 'us' and not wanting to work at the relationship, I feel I want to post what I wrote two years ago.

I'm learning men don't fall in love, they just become infatuated... and think it's love. And when the honeymoon period is over, they're off. I think men look for perfection more than women do. We are far more realistic - even me, the romance novelist...

The way my heart aches at the moment, a month on, I know I was in love. (I'm not quite in the happy place I was when I wrote this 2 years ago).

Tonight, I'm wondering what film to watch - maybe it's time I dig out #HesJustNotThatIntoYou again....

The third book is finished, and I'm editing my fourth, which involves online dating and my past experiences of it.

Anyway, this is what I wrote - two years ago! Oh, the irony... : 

I've been told that my profile (when I was on an on-line dating site) was refreshingly down to earth and honest.

But where does it get me?

Sometimes, when I'm feeling really depressed about it all, (I'm getting better) I feel like the men I have met have taken what they want from me, then moved on...

If I'm so bloody lovely, why hasn't one stuck around? (I'm kinda glad a couple haven't actually, looking back. But only time shows you this).

I have vowed to watch #HesJustNotThatIntoYou on are regular basis as a basic reminder.

I have told myself I will no longer chase men. I never really did the chasing - as a romance writer, I like the guy to make the first move - but when one shows an interest, and I get a bit attached, I then find myself doing all the work... and they're not. And there's a clue there really, isn't there? So from now on, thy shall not chase!

Thoughts keep going on around in my head of what I'd really like to put as my profile, because of all the bull I've had to listen to over the past few years. Clearly, I can't post it, because I would definitely not attract anyone, (only bitter losers who'd want to snipe back) and would look like some bitter, twisted, deranged, bunny-boiler of a woman. And I am not this. Honest. I am not!

A little crazy at times... but not weird.

But I am a little bit sick of guys wanting to find a genuine woman... only not to be all that genuine themselves, carrying god knows what baggage. If I have learnt one thing from all of this, men carry more baggage than women. OMG! Yes they do! And I thought they were the ones with balls.

My problem is I'm too honest, and I like to make sure we're on the same page from the off. So I highlight, that at the end of the day, my goal is to find someone to be in a relationship with. I think, when I start talking about this, they're hearing goddamn wedding bells. All I'm trying to say is I want to meet one guy... I am NOT looking for casual sex.

However, I'm not looking someone to move in and play father figure to my kids, I don't want to move in with them either. I'm just looking for someone I can share my time with, to do things, visit places, have fun together!

What I have also learnt about myself is that I am an 'all or nothing' type of girl. If you can't give me your all, I want nothing from you.

This is perfect, except the sweaty palms bit lol!

I will say, now taking this vow to not go looking for love, these past few weeks I have been in a much better place in my head. Yeah, sure, I worry I'm going to die lonely. But I am actually happier, concentrating on me, and finishing this third book. In the meantime, it looks like this princess will have to be prepared to kiss a few frogs... when she's ready...

The Six Date Rule

Yes, I know usually it's a three date rule, i.e. that you'll last out until the third date before sleeping with the guy. (If you needed it clarified).

Well, after last summer, my good friend set me a six date rule. She hoped this would help protect my heart and self-esteem, as I tend to fall too quickly, or get carried away with it all, to then get dumped fairly quickly after they've had want they wanted. I then tend to start feeling like I was a bad person, and my friend has to reassure me that I am not.

The idea is if a guy likes you that much, he will wait. And it will give you time, too. And if a guy has waited that long, maybe he'll take the whole relationship idea a bit more seriously too... It's a theory, anyway.

As you know, I'm way too honest for my own good, and I've told a couple of guys that I've dated I'm on a 'six date rule'. So far of the four dates I've had this year... they've only lasted the one date. lol!

At first I thought maybe I shouldn't be so honest. But actually, it's done me some favours. I mean, if the guy is THAT hot, I'll want to jump into bed with him immediately anyway, and the six date rule will keep my head focussed for a bit longer... I may not last the six dates... (but I don't know yet, haven't really met anyone I've wanted to sleep with immediately to test it). In other ways, it does help me out. Of a couple of dates, I knew there wasn't really the chemistry there, so the six date rule makes a good excuse. "Oh, I couldn't possibly sleep with you on the second date... I'm on a six date rule." You get the idea.

And those just after sex, well, it's weeded those out too... because they certainly don't want to invest time and effort into six dates...

I don't think guys get that most women can't just jump into bed with them. For women, on a whole, with sex there needs to be a mental/intellectual meeting of the minds, as well as the physical. And usually, if the minds meet, the physical attraction grows.

So if you're looking for an excuse to not jump into bed with someone, or you want to test whether a guy will wait, and feels you're worth it, (and isn't out for just one thing) give yourself a six date rule.

Rules can be broken, I mean if Henry Cavill turned up screw the rule....

from Henry Cavill Fanpage

But for all those others, the rule might just help....

I Have Standards

Firstly, if I sound shallow at any point in this blog post I apologise. But I do have standards.

Tuesday I decided to put myself back out there on the old on-line dating again.... Friday I was contemplating coming off. I was so depressed.

And now I'm writing a blog post to get it off my chest.

I thought, maybe I might chat to some, get some dates out of it, take the whole approach more casually.... Be much more aloof or blasé with it all.

However, the guys making contact are not giving me any confidence about myself. Not only are they not my type, but they really are punching above their weight. I know I'm no Jennifer Anniston by I'm fairly attractive... And I know it's hard to tell with a photograph, but you can tell from some if you're going to find someone physically attractive. (Plus I do read their profiles, too).

I know looks aren't everything... but I do look for something, I can't put my finger on what, but they have to have 'something'. (Okay, so I'm looking for a forty-something Tom Hiddleston.) I clearly say I want someone who believes in health and fitness, and they're messaging me with their double chins and beer bellies!

I know from past relationships (#MrAquarius) I need someone who matches me intellectually or they'll be intimidated. I don't do it deliberately... Men just feel it. They don't like women smarter than them.

There are the same faces on there too! They haven't even updated their profile or their pictures in the last two-three years. I mean, sort it out guys, if you want find someone. They are either crap at relationships or players. One guy messaged me saying he'd noticed I'd checked out his profile. I replied, I usually don't. I told him the reason I'd checked out his profile was due to his main image not giving me a clear indication of his looks - he was standing in the distance, you couldn't even make out his face. (He did thank me for the heads up and changed it).

Then there's the guy I dated last summer, (#TheBoyWithTheDragonTattoo) he still has his profile active, saying he 'wants a relationship'. When I clearly know he just wants a fuck buddy. Back then I should have known someone lying about their age was on there for the wrong reasons....

That man had the audacity to sit in my kitchen and tell me he wasn't a player, he didn't understand why good women put up with shit men.... blah blah blah... made out he was a really nice guy, who I thought was looking for similar to me. No he wasn't. He was a player, and although he didn't treat me technically badly, he lead me on for two months, when really, after a couple of dates he should have knocked it on the head. Maybe he did really like me, and had a 'rabbit in headlights' moment, or I wasn't right for him... But I'm lead to believe he's not as nice as he thinks he is. I will never know the whole truth. I am tempted to ask, but tell myself rise above it. But I hate that he's possibly playing with another woman's life...

You know, guys, if you are going to 'play' me, if it's just going to be sex, I want you to at least be drop dead gorgeous so I do get something out of this too.

And like it says above, I don't need you....

I'm resigning from on-line dating. It's not for me. It's a great concept, but like everything in life, it's being abused by lowlifes.

I know it's worked for some.... but I'm not convinced it's for me.

November Already?

Just lately I've been feeling a whole lot better about myself. I still beat myself up that I'm not writing enough, or editing - I am about to do this as soon as I've finished this blog post - but generally, in life, I'm in a really good place.

So the kids still send me barmy at times with their bickering and ignoring me. (How many times I have to tell them their dinner is on the table is beyond a joke!) But I have my house, which I am slowly adding to and personalising, and I AM a published writer, and my job isn't even that bad too - although I still die inside when a customer comes to the counter with a bag full of parcels. (Boring!)

As a Libra, I need balance, and I think I've found it. My anxiety at times peaks, and I worry (Is it really November already? Do I really have to think about Christmas shopping?) but generally, I'm good.

I have a great set of friends, and my family are good to me. There are days where I do not know where I'd be without my dad. My garden always looks amazing, and he helps me so much with jobs around the house.

We also have Rio now. He is a budgerigar. We've had him four weeks. And he's a chirpy chappy. Eventually, when he is tamer, he will be allowed out of his cage. But I want to get him really friendly and used to us first.

So the big question is, do I want to start dating again? And at the moment, the answer is still no. I still don't feel ready for the bullshit... but also, I really don't need a man in my life right now. I've got Henry (Cavill)... Tom (Hiddleston)... and even Armie (Hammer)... And they're enough :)

Henry Cavill & Armie Hammer - The Man from UNCLE
I love this picture so much!

Right, back to the editing....

He's Just Not That Into You

Who'd have thought a film would be so inspirational. It's fiction, but with so much truth in it.

Was it written by a woman, with some male influence?

A friend recommended the film He's Just Not That Into You. I ordered it; it arrived within a couple of days, and I watched it the other night.

I sat there thinking "OMG! I've heard most of those excuses."

I didn't think I'd watched the film before, but about twenty minutes in I realised I had. But clearly the first time I'd watched this movie I must have been still married and I didn't have the dating experience I now have under my belt.

Not by choice, I hasten to add. Would have been happy with #MrAquarius. But it doesn't matter how hard I try - I'm probably trying too hard! - I still end up with a broken heart - just like Gigi. I would say I'm probably not as bad as her - she may have been slightly stalkerish at times. But like Gigi, I wear my heart on my sleeve - I could empathise with this character. She looked for the positives in everything, and worried that if she didn't do a certain thing the guy would get the wrong signals. Had she told him enough of how much she was into him? Maybe she should call to let him know... because he may have lost his phone... etc. etc. etc. (I do it too! Worry).  But really, what she needed to hear was He's Just Not That Into You.

Even Drew Barrymore's character talks of the difficulties of modern dating. Because you're not only waiting for a text, there's social media, emails, all sorts of different channels two people can communicate through... so you're watching them all for that message to arrive... that doesn't.

So, I've come away from this movie enlightened, because if you're trying too hard to make a relationship work, even at the 'dating' stage, and it is really all one sided, then clearly, he's just not that into you. And you need to walk away.

Don't get me wrong, relationships are a two way thing, and both need to want it. And this could work vice versa. If the girl isn't so into the guy, the signs are the same.

However, I will say, generally a girl will tell the guy honestly that she's not into him early on, rather than make stupid excuses like 'it's not you it's me. shit.'

To be honest, you usually know after a couple of dates - I've known after the first date! - whether you want it to go further or not, or the chemistry is there... sometimes it can take a bit longer. Sometimes the chemistry is there... or so we're lead to believe... but it can fizzle. That's fine. But boys, be honest, don't drag it out!

Most (decent) women, if they don't connect with the guy, like to face their demons head on and tell it straight. We're just honest. Men are not. They tell us what they think we want to hear, rather than the honest truth, even if they don't mean it. "Yes, I'm happy to be friends" is bullshit. Why would we stay in touch? I have enough friends to go out drinking with.

And while you're 'in touch' she'll still be hoping you'll change your mind, and Mr Right might walk right past her, because she's too busy concentrating her efforts on you in the hope it will work out!

If you can't love her, set her free! Truthfully.

So girls, I recommend this movie if you need a wake up call! Because it is spot on, and you'll know if He's Just Not That Into You. 

My Online Dating Tips

I have decided to put together some online-dating tips. In the last three years of dating on and off through on-line dating sites, this is what I've learnt so far, (and will probably continue to learn when I decide to go back on-line, but for now I've taken myself off...).  It will be going into a book fictionally at some point. But I will share for fun.

In no particular order:

1) Most men on their profile will ask for someone genuine to get in touch. Sadly, this doesn't necessarily mean they are genuine in their hunt for a relationship. (See point 10).

2) Their pictures may not always match their true identity. And they can lie about age, height and weight... Make sure they've got plenty of pictures up and avoid profiles with hardly anything about the guy. If he can't be bothered to fill out a profile page, then he's not really serious in looking for love.

3) If you're looking for a relationship - usually this is why you're using on-line dating because if you just wanted a shag you would go out and get that on a night out, right? You'd think! - guys who state 'looking for a relationship' aren't necessarily being honest in that too. Really, they should have ticked the 'interested in only casual dating' button, but they know that doesn't get them a lot of interest. So just be warned....

4) If the guy doesn't show his teeth when smiling in his pictures - like in ALL of his pictures - it probably means he hasn't got great teeth... or he doesn't have any! If that's not a problem with you then fine... but if you've got a thing about teeth (I know I have!) try to get him to send a picture with him smiling, showing off his pearly whites.

5) Never, and I mean NEVER, interact with a cock shot. If his profile displays his jean-clad buldging cock (or pictures alike) do not interact. Even if you think it will be really funny to because you've had a few glasses of wine on a lonely Friday night. He is a dickhead, and you should not (pardon the pun) rise to it. You are just feeding the little prick. Ignore! Ignore! Ignore! And block him...

6) If you get into conversation with a guy because at first you thought he was genuine and then he starts asking if you want to meet up for sex, end conversation. Do not reply. Ignore, ignore, ignore. See above. Do not let him get a rise out of it.

7) If you get someone you're really not that keen on, but not sure how to turn him down gently. Start telling him about your baggage, how you've been dumped, hurt, you're still getting over your last boyfriend. They run so fast you can see dust!

8) Make sure you message for a bit on the site before swapping telephone numbers. Don't be so quick to give out your mobile number until you're certain (as best you can be) they're not weird. We can handle crazy, coz that can be fun, but we don't do weird.

9) Never message the guys. Let them message you. Let them make first contact! The boys should do the chasing from the off. This is one way of guaranteeing that they did actually like what they saw on your profile. Whether you like them is a different matter. You do not need to reply to them all. Only reply to the profiles you like. You're only giving the others false hope.

10) (Coincides with point 1) - Afterwards, when you thought you've actually met a genuine, decent guy and you think you've got great chemistry and everything is going fantastic, but he drops a great big bombshell that he is no longer looking for a relationship, or he has issues, or he's not sure what he wants any more, and it's not you, it's him, and quite clearly he's not been as genuine as you thought, but he's happy to stay in touch...

He won't, okay. Why would he stay in touch? He's just said that because he thinks that makes him look better, and he thinks that's what you want to hear. No, us girls would actually rather honesty and you grew a spine!

And he won't text you and say he's made a mistake and please take him back. He just won't. This is called romanticizing and it needs to stop. (It's my new word (which actually does exist in the dictionary) - it's fantasising about romantic ideas that just aren't going to happen, however much you want them to).

11) Stick to the three date rule... maybe even four dates. (Goes hand in hand with point 3 actually). If he likes you enough he'll wait. If he doesn't, well, you've just sifted the wheat from the chaff. And you're going to need to do A LOT of that.

12) Be yourself. If they can't love/like you for who you are, then they are not worth your time or effort. Again it's the old wheat and chaff thing.

13) However much you want to rage like a bunny boiler, always remain calm. Always be the better person. Hell, tell them they've hurt you. If these guys want to mess with girls' hearts, then they need to know what they've done, but always do it calmly and reasonably. You are the better person.

14) If he's telling you he loves you after three weeks, the guy probably has mental issues and is going to dump you in six weeks because he's unstable. He's doing you a favour... let him go! It might be worse, he might wait until you truly love him, then he dumps you... that hurts like hell. I recommend wine and a good dose of close friends.

15) If he goes a bit quite on the texting from day to day, but then texts you like mad just before the next agreed date... he's probably just using you for sex and wants a fuck buddy, rather than a relationship. Nip that one in the bud too, unless you're happy to be a doormat.

16) If it just so happens you've managed to get two dates at the same time. Do not tell them! The one you tell will try to persuade you he's the better guy. It's not necessarily so. Date both until you can make your own unbiased and informed decision - sticking to that 3 date rule of course!

17) And while you're searching for Mr Right, or The One, and it may take some time to find that one actual genuine guy on the internet not carry baggage and being a complete commitment-phobe I warn you, keep a picture of Tom Hiddleston close, to remind yourself of who you are searching for... your next hero... and besides, you can't get much better eye-candy than Tom Hiddleston (in my opinion).

If I think of any more, then of course, I'll do a part two blog post!

No More Internet Dating!

Today is the first of the July, and the first day of the second half of the year. I'm drawing a line under the last six months and starting a fresh.

Yesterday another relationship came to a close. I'd been seeing a guy for just over two months.

One could argue I met him way too soon after #MrAquarius. But at the time, I decided if it fizzled, he had been sent to me by the fairies (as I don't believe in God) to help heal my broken heart. And if it worked out, then #MrAquarius was really not meant to be.

And he did help do just that. He stopped me dwelling on the past and allowed me to start looking forward into the future again. As it turned out, we had a lot of chemistry (or at least I believed we did) and I really, really liked this guy. He was not a rebound. He ticked so many boxes, more boxes than #MrAquarius, and only time would tell if he ticked the really important ones. He told me I ticked his boxes, too. All good right? I think I could have loved him, if he'd let me.

However, it turns out, he is not looking for a relationship like I am.

Why do I always like the guys that don't like me so much back? Is it Karma for the guys that really like me, but I don't like them so much back?

The ever optimist, romance writer in me hopes he might change his mind and come back... but deep down, I know he won't. If someone wants to be in your life, then they'll make it happen, right?

In the meantime, I have decided to delete all (two) of my on-line dating accounts. I need to heal. And I need to remove the temptation of one lonely night going back on-line and unhiding my accounts. If they're deleted, I can't do it. I've been doing this on-line dating malarky on and off now for three years and it's not working. Either I find complete time wasters on there, or there are guys saying they want one thing, when actually they want another, or they don't know what the hell they want! Why be on-line then?

I always avoid the ones who say they want 'casual dates/nothings serious', because that's definitely not what I want. I message guys back who are "looking for a relationship." I do actually read their profile. I am choosy. If they want kids, I avoid. I get that you have to date to see if there is chemistry, and go from there... but I want a relationship to snowball.... gradually. Certainly not at the pace #MrAquarius took it, sweeping me up along... then crashing and shattering me into tiny pieces suddenly at the bottom of the mountain. The relationship I was trying to form with #TheBoyWithTheDragonTattoo was slow moving, but actually ideal for me.

I don't want someone to move in with me. I don't want to move in with them. I don't want any more kids! All I want is to share my time with someone, and do things with them, meals out, cinema, day trips... share a bottle of wine cuddled up in front of the telly. I want to be loved... and to love... I have so much to give!

Until I started dating on-line, I naively believed flawed heroes, ones carrying huge amounts of baggage, the commitment-phobes, were only in books. Silly me.

And so today, I need to empty my thoughts onto my blog, and get it off my chest. This is my healing process. Today is a new day. I'm going to live life on my own for a while with my good friends and family beside me, and see if love finds me naturally. I'm going to concentrate on me.

If the two men who I am referring to are reading this, then I'm sorry, but tough. Don't date a writer. They tend to like to write stuff down. And don't date a romance writer...! But just think it could have been worse - you could have dated a crime writer. (They know how to hide a body).

But what is romance? Do guys really know what it is when they say they're romantic? Sex is not romance. The little text message to make you know you're being thought of. That's romance. The surprise bouquet of flowers, however small... a small gift... a cuddle, a kiss, the wiping away of a tear... Romance is the little things, where you show one another you love/care for each other. Show, not tell. It's too easy to say 'I love you'... much more convincing to show.

Does true love only happen in books and films? Is there such a thing as a happy ever after?

I know on-line dating has worked for a few... but did you have to go through hell and back before meeting The One?

And so, today, my obsession for Tom Hiddleston re-commences....