My 3 Positives A Day Advice

Way back in January, or around the beginning of the year, or at some point, I said I'd talk about my 3 positives a day.

Now, I originally blogged here when I first started doing this : Original blog post can be found here. So feel free to read that post too. 

Basically, back in 2017, I found myself with very low self-esteem after a relationship I thought to be healthy ending very suddenly. I took myself off to counselling because I wasn't really sure I could do this on my own and I'm grateful that I did.

Over 3 years on, and I'm still doing the one activity she set me: to write three positives for that day before I went to bed. 

I now find it's easier to have a page to view diary, so I've got plenty of room to journal (because sometimes I have more than 3 things or I want to write about them more deeply) and I can't lose track of the days!

What does this do?

It means I don't dwell on the negatives, and at the end of the year, I only look back and see positive things. EVEN in a year like 2020! (And I think my self-esteem has improved).

So it's not too late. It's the beginning of February! (Sorry I'm late at posting this.) Grab a diary, journal or a notepad. Put it by your bed with a pen... And write three positives a day.

Some days are harder. Some days it might be the sun was shining and at least I got out for a ten minute walk. But do not - and this is very important - do not note or dwell too much on the negatives. Really try hard to only put the positives in, even if you've had the shittiest day on record. Just think about the positives... 

And then come tell me what you think and feel in a year... 

*I've finished reading The Miracle Morning, and Hal Elrod recommends scribing/writing (it's one of his Life SAVERS) in the morning. I've decided that mine can easily wait until the end of the day, as I wouldn't want to stop this process. But Hal is right, it is good to have something to look back on. However, sometimes, I don't even need to do that. I just know my year has been a good year, or has had many positive points to it. 

Two Years Officially Single

Two years ago today, I was put back on the shelf.

I know it's not a bad thing, although at the time it broke my heart, so much so, I had to take myself off to counselling. I couldn't understand why a perfectly good relationship could end so suddenly, and wondered what I had done wrong.

Counselling helped me to discover that the relationship wasn't healthy, because everything had been on his terms. And as soon as I'd gained confidence in the relationship, to start speaking up when I wasn't happy, he'd ended it.

Yes, I am sad. Yes, I do want to be in a relationship. I do miss sharing my free time with someone, to go on mini-adventures with them! But I do not want to be in this kind of relationship. I suppose, in the last seven years of being on and off single, I've learnt I will not settle for anything less than I deserve.

If that means being single for the rest of my life, then that is something I am now prepared to face.

Relationships are hard work, you do need to both work at it. There will be tough times. But predominantly if you love someone, it will work out. There needs to be much more laughter than tears... unless they are happy tears!

If I've learnt anything from my failed marriage, it is exactly that. It does take the two of us to make the relationship work. I am just as guilty at the failure of my marriage. I let it go past the point of  not wanting to go back.

Anyway, today I may feel a little sombre. I do find it hard to believe he did the right thing. (But then that could be my mind having been conned). I will believe it when the right person comes along and I realise that what I had with He Who Shall Not Be Named was nothing in comparison.

I have to believe there is someone out there for me.

If there isn't... I'll just get more budgies...

Hindsight Is A Beautiful Thing

And frustrating!

For those who follow me on Facebook... Last Wednesday was going so well. I had a date. Which lead to another date, and then spending the majority of my weekend getting to know this date better.

By Monday, and having the shittiest day at work on record. (Or maybe I've just forgotten the other shitty days - but it's why I really want to concentrate on becoming a Virtual Assistant and get the hell out of retail - but hey, I digress...)

I came home and really wanted to hear this man's voice.

I hated myself that I felt like this. I hated this frustrating feeling that I would have to wait as he would be busy with work. I felt needy and impatient. However, I also liked it. It meant I'd found someone again, someone worth caring about. I thought I'd found someone I'd connected with.

You know there's a but coming don't you?

BUT... I never got that call... and maybe there was shit going on in his life too... (so I'm not completely unreasonable about not receiving the call) but what he did send was a text with the implication he wanted to "slow things down".

FFS!!!!!

I am so sick of meeting men on online dating sites that aren't ready for a relationship. So why the fuck are you on there then?

Men hold more baggage than women. I swear. It's a fact! They are the tormented heroes we read about in our romance novels and that I write about, ironically!

They all need counselling! 

And yes, it is a gamble meeting someone. Someone might get hurt. But as long as it's not deliberate, then that's okay. I totally understand if it's not working or it's not right, then it should end.

And after how He Who Shall Not Be Named treated me, I fear it happening again - of course I do! I fear wasting my time on another man not wanting to work at a relationship. But I have to trust the next guy because otherwise I'm taking my shit with me into the next relationship, and that's not fair on them. And definitely will not help the new relationship to move forward.

I met a lovely guy a few weeks ago, and the spark was not there for me, so I had to turn him down for a second date. I hate that I might have hurt him, but I'd have caused more pain if I'd carried it on for longer.

So I'm going to reiterate this one more time... for men and women reading this post:

To attend counselling does not make you weak. It means you are strong. It means that you realise you need help to return to full strength.

Never think attending counselling makes you weak. Far from it!

You can not help those that will not help themselves. By attending counselling, you're taking the first step to help yourself. This is so important.

At least my counselling allows me to know this was not may fault. Nothing I could have done differently to change this man's thoughts. I just feel incredibly stupid, used and gullible because he lied to me. He implied he was ready when he was not. And if he'd been honest, I'd have done things very differently. (And would not be feeling as angry as I do!)

Three Years Today...

I know this is Casanova and not The Doctor... 

I'm still waiting for a damn time machine to be invented, or Dr Who is real (in David Tennant form please) or maybe I should get a hot tub (and it turns out to be a time machine...) so that I can be taken back in time to today, three years ago.

I don't think I'd be able to get around all the 52% of the country who voted us to leave the EU, but I could go back to me on my first date with He Who Shall Not Be Named.



There are two scenarios I play out, but I can't decide which would be best.

I could return and tell myself to bleed him dry.

I mean, I accepted the gifts because I believed he loved and cared about me. I never asked for these extravagances, or expected him to spend what he did on me. But I could have asked for so much more, and he probably would have provided it. However, I am not that person. I used to go mad at him when he bought me something expensive.

So really, the only other option, which would save myself the heartache and the counselling afterwards, would be to go back and tell him where to stick his dick pics.

In fact, let me stick them there for you!

What people will never get, never understand is it was you who convince me that we were meant to be. Even now, I still can't believe I'm not with you. (Though I am glad I am not!)

I am strong, I am happy, but I am not the same person I once was before meeting you. But I'm getting there.

We're Not Allowed To Say This....

But... 

Sometimes there is a cause to say "Man the fuck up!"

I'll apologise now, as I may offend some maybe with the above statement but I am angry, and passionate about the way I feel. This is me! Maybe you'll understand if you read further.

So, I was dating someone and we joked about how busy we were etc. but we found the time to have the first date, and that went well. Over a week later we had the 2nd date and then a couple of weeks later we had a third.

This was slow dating for me, and each date felt like the first, with the nerves, because so much time had passed between each one we had to get to know one another again. But maybe this was a good thing, I thought, (and so did my friends) as I seemed to get swept off my feet, and then come crashing down with a bang.

Anyway, last weekend (and I'd told him prior), I said I could make myself available for a drink on the Saturday evening.

Saturday arrived, and I was texting, "Are we meeting?" a little to my annoyance, as a girl really wants to be asked out by the boy. Even in The Big Bang Theory episode (Season 2 episode 2 The Codpiece Topology) I laughed as Leslie, very clinically, let Leonard be the man to organise the dates and telling him to call her.

My response to this text was that he was at a friends.

Now I don't have a problem with that. Only if he was interested, which I believed he was, as he'd been messaging me since our last date, two weeks before, he should have said, "Sorry I have plans that night, but are you free Friday or Sunday?"

I replied with a jokey text about our next date really would be June 2020 (as it had been our little joke with each of us having busy schedules).

I've not heard anything since.

I mean, Sunday, I received no text from him. And I refused to text first. 1) Because I was the last to text, and 2) If he's interested in me then he'd message, right?

NOTHING!

So here is where I believe he should Man The Fuck Up! 

Surely I deserve an explanation, even a simple, "Sorry, I don't think this will work out." ???

No, I get the cowardice and rude approach of just leaving it dead in the air when ironically his online profile states something about being a gentleman....

And my friends wonder why I have self-esteem issues! (Although I know I've done nothing wrong.)

I believe this is an adequate example of when a man should "(gentle)man up" - in my opinion. Agreed?

Off to watch He's Just Not That Into You....

Crazy Ex-Girlfriends, Huh?

I want to share this interesting article about how the trope of the 'crazy ex-girlfriend' protects abusive men. (See the link below for article).

And now, 18 months on, and in a stronger frame of mind (thanks to the help of the counselling a year ago), I remember once when He Who Shall Not Be Named did exactly this to me.

I can't really remember the whole story, because at the time, so loved up and not the jealous type, I never took too much notice of it. I never saw the significance until lately, and from the rumours I hear of his current behaviour.

But he did just this! He implied he had a woman who was some sort of crazy ex!

We were walking along the high street (more than likely playing sodding Pokemon Go), when he told me about a woman who he said he was friends with (or something along those lines), but she'd misread the signs, 'fancying' him, and wanted more from him. And having turned her down, she'd then turned a bit 'crazy' on him.

And in his nice-natured, convincing tone, I believed him! Why wouldn't I? He seemed such a nice guy - back then! The man who spoilt me, and loved me... as long as it was on HIS terms...

I realise now he was protecting himself in case this woman did see us together and tried to warn me about his narcissistic, selfish tendencies, and his lies. He could quite possibly cheated on me. I will never know. But he was grooming me to believe him, and not her, should she appear.

Because she was the crazy ex!

Ladies, I urge you to read this article. I don't know how else to protect you. If I knew the women He Who Shall Not Be Named was dating, I'd be messaging every single one of them!

(The irony is they do end up messaging me, and I'm happy to hear from them, and put their minds at rest).

If you EVER meet a man who claims to have a "crazy ex-girlfriend" or two, delve a little deeper - and remember there are two sides to every story! Maybe she's not that crazy, after all...

How the trope of the 'crazy ex-girlfriend' protects abusive men. 

Wishing You All A Happy New Year!

I want to take this opportunity to wish all my friends, family, readers, and fellow writers a Happy New Year! Everyone who connects with me through social media - Happy New Year!

I'm getting it in early, as tomorrow I will actually be working. Then, I'll probably get side-tracked playing That's You or Knowledge is Power on the PS4 with the boys...

I want to especially thank the readers for buying my books, and leaving great reviews. This really does help authors, especially when they're questioning whether their writing is shit or not. (Me - all the time.) To read a five-star review does squash that negativity - even if it's my first book published five years ago.

2018 has been fairly positive for me, especially by writing those three positives a day, I have focused on the good things this year. It is something I will continue to do in 2019. I also have my friends to thank for keeping me positive, keeping me laughing and having so much fun. I have embraced being a singleton.

Sadly, I don't have a new book contract, so I have no idea what 2019 will bring on the book front, only that I will continue to write and persevere with my writing career. I actually have an idea now mulling around my head which is not likely to be deemed romance, but more commercial women's fiction.

However, I do have some fantastic events already planned for 2019! (It's about getting dates in the diary.) Can't wait for February, where I will be visiting Dublin for the first time ever and I am involved with the Weston Literary Festival again.

So watch this space!

I'm not very good at making new years resolutions, but I do want this year to be focused on improving my house - it needs decorating! (It will be a case of hoping the writing doesn't suffer and how much funds allow. Decorating party, anyone?)

Have a very happy New Year, and I wish you a positive year. And if occasionally life throws you a negative, try to take the positives from it.

Much love, to you all,

Teresa x 

Fame or Karma?

I've been informed by a reliable source that my blog is becoming rather popular in a certain town near Bristol. Fame at last! Or maybe, finally, it's Karma?

So this one is for all of you!

And anyone grieving the loss of a relationship. Obviously.

When I first started writing about my heartache, it was the hope, as a writer, to get it off my chest, to ease some of the pain I was feeling. Now, my hope is that maybe women (and men) can read my story, see how poorly I was treated by He Who Shall Not Be Named, and having encountered the same sort of situation, can gather strength from what I've written. To know that they are not at fault, with their self-esteemed shattered, and that there will be light at the end of the tunnel. To know they are not alone.

He Who Shall Not Be Named should come with a health warning. (I quote a friend here actually!)

A man who sees himself as selfless can actually be deceivingly selfish. Everything has to be on his terms, and he'll be very good at manipulating you into his terms. As soon as you question those, as soon as you start to ask for something more, something that a real loving relationship deserves, he'll dump you, and move on (to his next victim) very quickly.

And you're quite within your rights to want more from a relationship, be it commitment, time, intimacy. You're not a doormat. You're not prepared to be used.

Another ex-girlfriend of my Ex (yes he's racked them up since me) has been in touch, to praise this blog. (Thank you, by the way). If you haven't read it, and as this year comes to a close, I want to show you how far I've come. And for those maybe feeling hurt and angry by the loss of a relationship, I am proof that your grief will ease.

My story starts here with When Will It Go Right?  I thought, with He Who Shall Not Be Named, I'd finally found the right one. I have been divorced nearly seven years now, and I am still single (and wonder what the fuck I am doing wrong - or why I seem to fall for the arseholes - where as I have  friends in similar positions who have found great guys, even married them). I feel I wasted 14 months of my life on him... when I could have been working towards a relationship with another guy... another guy I've potentially missed, because I was too loved up with HIM.

And as you read through the blog, I hope you see how much stronger I have become, although it does take time. How counselling helped, too.

I still feel today I was conned out of my heart. I am grateful I wasn't conned out of money, or worse, something could have happened to my kids. (I feel lucky in that respect.) I was just used really, for sex and for the feeling of being in a relationship when it suited him.

What has come to light from these two women now that have messaged me; he has had a girlfriend for two years... Yes, I'm doing the maths! He ended our relationship in August 2017... that's less than two years ago... So, He Who Shall Not Be Named, were you cheating on me, too?

If so, WHEN did you find the time?

Were the extravagant gifts a way to hide your guilt?

Are you introducing all these women to your kids?

And take a good hard look at yourself! For someone who prides himself as being a good guy, you are not!

Are you the kind of man you would want your daughter to date? Do you want her to be treated how you treat your girlfriends and lovers? Is this how you wish your son to grow up to be?

Please! Take responsibility as a role model to your children if nothing else!

Although, sadly, at 50, it is unlikely you will change your ways.

I am sickened. I did not know you. And it sickens me further that you continue to use women - and thought very little of our relationship if you can move on so swiftly. But you're doing it to women who are looking for a relationship, not a hook up... You're duping them. It's wrong.

If you're just wanting sex, at least be honest about it.

Give them the choice as to whether they want to be partial to this behaviour, these terms.

I don't want to give you the satisfaction by saying you've ruined me. But I am not the same person that you met in June 2016 (where I was in a good place), or the woman you destroyed in August 2017.

As a romance writer, I have always believed in romance... (hence you deceived me as I saw your gestures as romantic and not manipulation) but now I'm feeling more cynical about it. Is there such a thing as 'the one' or a 'soul mate'?

I'll continue to write it... give women that escapism they need, but whether I believe in it, is another thing...

You have toughened me up. I have made my peace. I will go through life not relying on a man (well maybe one; my Dad). Where I get to be, the successes (and maybe the failures) will be down to me. And me alone.

I will be financially and emotionally independent. I will be responsible for my happiness.

For this knowledge I no longer need a man. I would like one, but to be honest, I can't be doing with the drama, I have too many good friends to keep in touch with, I'm not even sure I have the time to date.

And do I really want the heartache again?

Can I trust the next man, when you - a man you said I could trust - deceived me into loving you?


Note to those who may wish to share their grievances, if you would like to message me privately, please feel free to do so via my Facebook page. 

A Letter To My Ex

Dear Ex,

If you're going to private message me via my Facebook Page, you might want to unblock me to maybe allow me to reply.

I won't. (But even if I wanted to, I actually can't.)

Neither will I take down the post.

(Dear readers, apparently he doesn't like this post, He prided himself on being such a good man see, but 4 months in counselling told me a very different story. There's an article too about men sending inappropriate pictures that I posted, maybe he's not liking this either). 

I will not do either of these things (reply or remove post) because 1) I am blocked, and I've never done anything wrong, 2) I owe you nothing, yet you owe me 14 months of my life back, and 3) it's the truth, and it's my blog, so bite me.

I could list more, but these are good enough reasons.

Oh, maybe, I've never had an apology, or an explanation why you're such an F@ckwit.

However, with reference to the last part of your message, and you stating that you 'massively misread the situation at the start of our relationship', I would like to point out that you completely and utterly misread the whole of our relationship. I was working towards a future together. You however, was always going to bolt as soon as your terms got questioned.

So, on that note, hope life's treating you well shit.

Your Ex.

I Think I've Found Closure

So, last week something rather random happened. I was contacted via Facebook by an ex of my Ex (I now like to call him He Who Should Not Be Named or the other begins with a C and is rather rude for this blog). She is the one (of many by the sounds of things) after me.

Through messaging, I have discovered that he has made her feel like they were soulmates, deeply in love, and then, without warning, suddenly ending their relationship. Sound familiar?

She was so apologetic for getting in touch, but felt she needed to. I told her I didn't mind at all. This time last year I had wanted to do the same, to gather some understanding to what the hell had happened to a perfectly good relationship (or so I thought it was).

Now, I never in a million years thought I could empathise like this, and feel so much for her well-being. I mean she's an ex of an ex, right? I thought I would feel a jealousy, or something not anywhere near what I do feel for her.

He has hurt her too, breaking her heart. She is me, a year ago.

This has highlighted to me that I did not know the man I was dating. I don't recognise the man she tells me about, what he's doing, what he's done to her, what he's doing to other women. He's a liar and a cheat. A manipulative bastard.

He still sends dick pics - even when I stressed very strongly women do not need to see these sort of pictures, especially before actually dating, or having sex!

Friends said to me earlier in the year, that one day I would look back on the 14 months we shared together and I will have fond memories of them.

At the moment I can't see it. I look back and think of it all as lies and deceit. I don't know that man! The way it ended has also soiled those memories for me, too. And I'm not sure I want to look back on them fondly, because I couldn't understand what went wrong.

All I feel is that I wasted 14 months of my life working on a relationship he was never actually interested in.

She said to me that she felt so stupid and naive. SO DID I!

All I do know is I'm in such a good place right now, and learning these things about him has helped me get closure. And I hope, I'm helping this other woman, too, with the counselling I gained. And from the fact that he's done it again, reassures us and shows that there is nothing wrong with us, and it is all on him.

So now there are two of us praying he meets a psycho-bitch from hell who will make his life a living nightmare! Maybe we should start a Facebook group - He Who Shall Not Be Named Ex's. 😹

One Year Single - Almost

I've been meaning to blog about life and positivity (why does blogger not like this word? MS Word likes it!) and all that.

I wasn't sure whether to wait until I'd officially made it to one year single. That's the 23rd August, by the way. I remember it very clearly - hardly can forget being dumped by text (very suddenly) by the man who swore he loved me.

One day, it will blur to oblivion. Like the others. And he will be insignificant.

It still hurts. And I still catch myself thinking I can't believe he's gone at times. Not as often as I used to though.

Compared to me a year ago, well, I have changed - a lot.

And for the better! (I hope.)

For one, I have been set free! Oh My God! No longer traipsing to his every weekend to sit with his kids, watch him cook, while I drink myself fat! I've done sooooo much in this past year, and have so many more future dates booked with good friends. People who are so important to me will stay firmly placed in importance in my life from now on. (And I feel I have so many people to catch up with, or to continue to stay in touch with but money and time fail me. Boo!)

I have discovered pornstar martinis! I've been to different restaurants, visited friends - near and far. I have had so much fun!

I'm not crying like I was - everyday. Now it might be a bit of a sob at This Is Us. 

And my body is a hell of a lot fitter and so is my mind.

Exercise has helped on both accounts. And the way I look at exercise is that I'm making time for myself.

Even though some mornings I'm thinking why for the love of God am I doing this, I get up earlier to work out (this may change in the winter). I'm lucky to be able to do this now as the boys are older and I can leave them for half hour while I run. I've lost over half a stone without even trying really, just because I've made time to exercise more (including at the weekends because I'm not sat around watching him cook, drinking wine... )

And this exercise then affects my mind. I'm a big believer in healthy body = healthy mind. I'm feeling better about myself. Exercise does release endorphins, natural anti-depressants.

I also think my improved mindset is due to the continuation of writing my three positives a day.

Don't get me wrong, I have my bad days, where my kids are shit, and I'm swearing at them (I don't feel good about this but I get to the point now they're older I can't hold it in - I was probably doing it when they were younger, but they didn't know I was uttering bad words). And I'm more conscious about my rage in the summer with the windows open too! So I tend to feel terrible.

Bad days include when I'm beating myself up that I'm not writing, or I'm doing things I don't want to do (housework is among that - I have so many jobs around this house I need to do and don't make the time to do them). Or I haven't caught up with this friend, or I really want to revisit another. And work 'work' is shit with its stupid pettiness.

But these three positives, each night, make me search hard into my day and they eradicate the negativity.

Okay, so far 2018 has been fairly kind to me - I am waiting for the curve ball. Or was last years enough for me for now? But I've had a book rejected, and had to struggle with editing it and my confidence as a writer. I have money worries - who doesn't as a single parent? Will my car last for another year or two, or three?

Anyway here's to a year being single (almost) and probably another few... because I'm not sure I've actually got time to date yet.

Occasionally I think about it... and then I remember how it brings me down, how it's depressing. Because most of the men on there are idiots. I mean, if that's the best I can get, I'm remaining single!

My Three Positives A Day

I wanted to blog an update of me. I know life can have ups and downs, I look at it like waves sometimes, that you have to ride out.

Almost a year single, at the moment, I think I'm at the happiest I've been in such a long time. Maybe last years shock of the sudden end of a relationship has helped me appreciate what I have today. It's made me focus my attention on the good stuff and the right friends. It's helped me set priorities. What's important, what matters to me?

Since that awful moment, finding myself single again, with the aid of counselling and the support of good friends, I have dusted myself off, picked myself up and I have got on with enjoying life.

At the beginning of the year, I had a blip. I was dating, and getting depressed by it all. Basically, I thought if this is the best I can do, if this is the best men I can attract, I'm staying single. I deleted the online dating account, and have been too busy to look back since.

He (who shall not be named) set me free really. The last couple of months I've been so busy, my weekends full, no longer sat in his house with his kids in-tow, hardly doing anything, and I still am busy for the next few weekends! For example, next week I'm book signing at Waterstones Weston-super-Mare! Come along and say hi!

We are half way through the year, and I feel so positive. And I think I know why.

Last year, when I was at my lowest, my counsellor suggested I wrote at the end of the day 3 positives into a notebook/diary. I found it so useful that I decided to continue this in January, using a diary I'd got given as a birthday present. It's perfect as it's a page a day, giving me plenty of room to write my positives down.

Without fail, every night I fill out this diary. Some days are harder than others to find three positives, but it can be the simple things like we ate tea in the garden or the sun was shining. Sometimes, I have so many positives to write down, I'm adding bonus ones! But each day feels positive. Every day this year, even when I've had a bad day, I can look back on the good stuff. I'm focusing on positivity.

I've been lucky. This year hasn't sent me any curve balls - yet. But by focusing on priorities - keeping fit, my writing, my friends and family - I'm in a good place. I'm trying to worry less about those that don't wish to be in touch. I've done as much as I can now, I'm not forcing my friendship on to anyone anymore. I'm focusing on those that focus on me, making regular dates with my good friends.

The best thing about this is: I'm too busy to date. 😁

I'm writing a series of books now, which will feature happy ever afters. Not sure if I'll get mine... not sure I'm bothered anymore...

So, my advice to you: Focus on the things and people who make you happy, write down those 3 positives a day, and have a Pornstar Martini! (This is my new favourite cocktail).

Life is good.

Fourteen Weeks...

It's been three months now, and still nothing. It's as if you never existed.

I suppose, if you ever did truly love me, one day you'll miss what we had and you'll get in touch. If you don't, well, I know you lied and deceived me.

Although I do hold some fond memories of our 14 months together, (and they make me miss you) they are sadly tarred by the way things ended, and my love has turned to an anger and rage that makes me think 'what were those 14 months about?'

Have I actually benefited from them in anyway? Except the expensive gifts...? I still can not fathom what they were about, other than your way to secure my love for you, while you were obsessed and infatuated with me. I have a feeling it meant nothing, because you told me how you didn't regret spending similarly on the woman before me. Maybe if money means nothing to you, the expensive gifts meant nothing too...

I was like a conquest, wasn't I? "She must be mine! I'll do everything in my power to convince her I love her and that she needs to love me, and then when I'm done, I'll just cast her aside... because she means nothing truly to me."

So no, I look back with resentment over those 14 months, my time wasted on a man who didn't deserve my attention, for he hasn't furthered my life or enhanced it. (In fact he's now led me to the last few months feeling utterly miserable - for which those 14 months certainly weren't worth it).

Like I've said before, it's like I've woken up and it's June 2016 again. I'm back, where I was in June 2016 FFS! But in a worse place mentally.

I resent you. Why? I'm looking for someone to grow old and grey with, and those 14 months could have been used to find that man, instead of wasting them on you, who I thought I was building a solid relationship with. YOU who led me to believe you were the one to be with. Then, you end it? No consideration, no lets maybe work at this... No, because you'd had your fun, you'd won me over, and now part of your game, was to just toss me aside.

Counselling has really opened my eyes. Now, I need to set to work on my self-esteem, because I've been set back 14 months, and my trust has been truly destroyed. Thank you for that.

If I Were An Animal...

So true! 

Do you know what the hardest thing I'm still trying to over come? Still, after 10 weeks...

What I find hard is the fact you're going about your days without me in them. I don't even know if you miss me, give a shit about me, or anything? Do you even think about me? Wonder what I'm doing? Do you even care? Clearly not...

Yet, I still catch myself wondering about you...

It hurts that you did everything in your power to convince me that you wanted me in your life, then discarded me once you were done with me, that I no longer fitted into your terms.

It's a bit like Cora or Regina, the witches in Once Upon A Time. You've pulled out my heart, and crushed it with your bare hands.

I'm back at awful currently, but it could be worse I know.

Each day gets easier. I don't cry every day. I still get upset when I talk about you, my voice betrays me. But I still miss what we had, knowing it will never come back and can't believe you're no longer in my life. That thought still catches my breath, every day.

I miss you more when I've got the free time I would have been sharing with you. I miss that I don't have someone to tell the silly little things of what's going on in my day...  I miss that I don't have someone to cuddle and kiss, hold hands with... I miss having a partner.

It's like those 14 months were a dream. I'm Bobby Ewing stepping out of the shower... and I've gone back to June 2016 before I met you.

But the hate is setting in now. The rage that I was deceived, cheated into believing I was in a loving, safe, strong relationship. That you loved me...

I may learn to forgive you, one day... But I will never ever forget.

My counsellor asked if I were an animal, what would I be? I answered a bird in the end, because they seem to never stay still, always flitting about, which I thought represented my mind as well as me physically. Now I realise I'm more like an elephant. Head strong, determined, passionate about life but will never forget those who've hurt me.

I Need To Find My Voice

Do you know what frustrates and angers me the most, what even hurts me more? The fact you will never know how much you have hurt me (and my children), how much you have disappointed me. That the man you turned into I never saw a hint of in the time we were together.

You will never know that I still cry, I still think about you. I still miss the days of when we were together, and I thought we were both happy and good for each other. I still wake up every morning and think 'shit he's not in my life any more'. It feels like a bad dream... seven weeks on...

I'm even left wondering what you tell your friends. 'We weren't meant to be', when you spent fourteen months convincing me that we were?

The counselling has helped me look at our relationship. I almost feel ashamed to have been so weak (as I consider myself strong) and even in some ways that I was conned/controlled by you. But I didn't see it. I wanted to please you, make you happy, so I did everything I could. And you lead me to believe you were doing the same for me... You were a man who prided yourself on being a good, decent, honest man. And you appeared that way too. You were generous, loving and thoughtful - so I believed... I thought you selfless but you were selfish...

Because a good man would work at a relationship when times get tough, and a decent man would not shower his lover with gifts only to walk away from her when things weren't quite going his way. A good man would have chosen 'us'.

I realise that in the year before you met me, you'd lived a rigid life, you'd got into a routine with work, your hobbies and your children. And although they (to quote you) 'weren't enough', when you were looking for a relationship, you wanted it to fit in around your routine and your kids. You weren't flexible, or pliable. The relationship would have to be under your terms. And only your terms. And I look back and realise how much it was! Yes, you conformed a little, in the beginning in order to keep me sweet, to entrap me, to convince me to trust you and fall in love. After all, I was an attractive, intelligent woman with a bubbly personality. You wanted me on your arm. (A trophy girlfriend maybe?)

But as soon as I started to find my voice, and air things that didn't please me - and these were only usually times when you were failing to choose us - you ended our relationship. It no longer made you happy.*

No discussion, no compromise, over.

And these were things, in a normal loving relationship that should be allowed to be discussed. I did nothing wrong I realise now. I was never unreasonable.

So yes, I feel deceived, I feel hurt. I put my all into something you weren't prepared to even meet me with half way. You waited until I had fully trusted our relationship, that I felt safe within it, then you let me go. You gave me promises you couldn't keep because you weren't prepared to develop the relationship, keep it moving forward.

You need a woman who will just slot into your routine without a quibble. Good luck with finding that kind of woman. In the meantime, I hope Karma finds her way to you.

And for me, the next man, I have to learn to speak up and have my voice heard sooner - so they can decide whether to stick around or leave me before they can hurt me. They'll need to prove their worth.

I thought I was honest and outspoken, but clearly when it comes to the fear of sounding unreasonable or demanding, I hold back.

It's not about being selfish, it's about my well-being. I need to be stronger.



(*Feel free to respond if you disagree with me - or I've got this wrong some how).

For anyone reading this blog post and are considering counselling, I would recommend it - Please message me if you'd like further advice.