Friday, 23 August 2019

Two Years Officially Single

Two years ago today, I was put back on the shelf.

I know it's not a bad thing, although at the time it broke my heart, so much so, I had to take myself off to counselling. I couldn't understand why a perfectly good relationship could end so suddenly, and wondered what I had done wrong.

Counselling helped me to discover that the relationship wasn't healthy, because everything had been on his terms. And as soon as I'd gained confidence in the relationship, to start speaking up when I wasn't happy, he'd ended it.

Yes, I am sad. Yes, I do want to be in a relationship. I do miss sharing my free time with someone, to go on mini-adventures with them! But I do not want to be in this kind of relationship. I suppose, in the last seven years of being on and off single, I've learnt I will not settle for anything less than I deserve.

If that means being single for the rest of my life, then that is something I am now prepared to face.

Relationships are hard work, you do need to both work at it. There will be tough times. But predominantly if you love someone, it will work out. There needs to be much more laughter than tears... unless they are happy tears!

If I've learnt anything from my failed marriage, it is exactly that. It does take the two of us to make the relationship work. I am just as guilty at the failure of my marriage. I let it go past the point of  not wanting to go back.

Anyway, today I may feel a little sombre. I do find it hard to believe he did the right thing. (But then that could be my mind having been conned). I will believe it when the right person comes along and I realise that what I had with He Who Shall Not Be Named was nothing in comparison.

I have to believe there is someone out there for me.

If there isn't... I'll just get more budgies...

Wednesday, 7 August 2019

Hindsight Is A Beautiful Thing

And frustrating!

For those who follow me on Facebook... Last Wednesday was going so well. I had a date. Which lead to another date, and then spending the majority of my weekend getting to know this date better.

By Monday, and having the shittiest day at work on record. (Or maybe I've just forgotten the other shitty days - but it's why I really want to concentrate on becoming a Virtual Assistant and get the hell out of retail - but hey, I digress...)

I came home and really wanted to hear this man's voice.

I hated myself that I felt like this. I hated this frustrating feeling that I would have to wait as he would be busy with work. I felt needy and impatient. However, I also liked it. It meant I'd found someone again, someone worth caring about. I thought I'd found someone I'd connected with.

You know there's a but coming don't you?

BUT... I never got that call... and maybe there was shit going on in his life too... (so I'm not completely unreasonable about not receiving the call) but what he did send was a text with the implication he wanted to "slow things down".

FFS!!!!!

I am so sick of meeting men on online dating sites that aren't ready for a relationship. So why the fuck are you on there then?

Men hold more baggage than women. I swear. It's a fact! They are the tormented heroes we read about in our romance novels and that I write about, ironically!

They all need counselling! 

And yes, it is a gamble meeting someone. Someone might get hurt. But as long as it's not deliberate, then that's okay. I totally understand if it's not working or it's not right, then it should end.

And after how He Who Shall Not Be Named treated me, I fear it happening again - of course I do! I fear wasting my time on another man not wanting to work at a relationship. But I have to trust the next guy because otherwise I'm taking my shit with me into the next relationship, and that's not fair on them. And definitely will not help the new relationship to move forward.

I met a lovely guy a few weeks ago, and the spark was not there for me, so I had to turn him down for a second date. I hate that I might have hurt him, but I'd have caused more pain if I'd carried it on for longer.

So I'm going to reiterate this one more time... for men and women reading this post:

To attend counselling does not make you weak. It means you are strong. It means that you realise you need help to return to full strength.

Never think attending counselling makes you weak. Far from it!

You can not help those that will not help themselves. By attending counselling, you're taking the first step to help yourself. This is so important.

At least my counselling allows me to know this was not may fault. Nothing I could have done differently to change this man's thoughts. I just feel incredibly stupid, used and gullible because he lied to me. He implied he was ready when he was not. And if he'd been honest, I'd have done things very differently. (And would not be feeling as angry as I do!)

Sunday, 21 July 2019

I Feel A Wobble Coming On

Life is good, I am happy but I am feeling a bit out of sorts. Not sure if it's the full moon, new moon, high pressure, low pressure or what, but I just have this niggle of stress going on. Anyway, I feel a wobble coming on.

It's not helping with a bad back. The exercise and the routine isn't what it should be, which I usually finds keeps any stress or depression in check.

However, I think I'm worrying about my future, especially as I've had my mortgage renewal come through. How fast another school year has passed, it won't be long before the boys are leaving, and I've got to think about my financial future. I need a job.

And I'm working on that, wanting to become a virtual assistant. But with that I am stressing too, that if I get this in motion, will I have enough time to fit it all in, from the writing, the part-time job I have to attend to give me a regular income, and actually feeding the kids and keeping the house clean. Don't get me started on epically failing on the decorating my house again this year. It's a good job my dear old Dad attends my garden.

But will this virtual assistant, as a self-employed job, be a regular enough income too?

I'm trying to be proactive, but it all feels very reactive at the moment. I don't know my future... and it's stressing me out!

Maybe at rapidly-approaching-forty-six, I thought I'd have someone to share this stress with, I wouldn't still be single, my future would be clearer. The feeling of wasting 14 months of my life on the wrong man can get me down sometimes. Even now.

I don't need a man, but one would be nice...

I suppose my biggest fear is that I may have to give up the writing. Or I won't be able to do it as often as I get to do it now. And the writing keeps me sane. It is my happy pill. But even if I get a full time job... I'm pretty sure it won't pay me enough, having been out of 'proper' work for over fifteen years.

And I don't have someone at home, bringing in the regular income. I am doing this on my own.

This is really hard.

I know money doesn't buy happiness, but it does ease financial stress.

So forgive me if I wobble.

Wednesday, 10 July 2019

Why I Don't Have Time To Date

I've been meaning to blog again the past few weeks. In August, I will have been single two years. I have dated - or tried to - but nothing has stuck. (I really did want one guy to stick, but we just didn't quite have the right chemistry for me).

In these two years I've attended counselling, I've self counselled, and I have got on with my life and made time for my good friends. I've had some lovely mini-adventures, too!

I'm now in such a routine with keeping in contact with these wonderful people, I rarely have a spare weekend to myself. I've a great social life - it would be even better if money allowed!

I've taken the advice of Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway, and made sure all parts of my life are full and important. I'm not going to make one person my whole world. From family, to friends and career, I've tried to concentrate on it all that makes me happy.

I don't have a huge quantity of friends, I have a few that make time for me, so I make time for them. And I love them all. These are the friends that have helped me through my lows, and rejoiced and celebrated my highs. These people are important to me and my sanity!

So I'm not going to give that up, right?
A gentle reminder to myself... 

The thing is, I do really want to find that one person to share everything with. There's a part of me who needs to, if only to confirm to me that when He Who Shall Not Be Named ended our relationship, it was the best thing he could have done for me. He set me free!

I know it is the best thing he could have done for me. I mean, who wants to remain in an unhealthy and unfair relationship? However, the way he did treat me, when I thought he was being sincere, is all I ever wanted. I just want to be loved.

And if I don't find that again? What happens? He's the last man I loved? He's the last man who 'loved' me?

It's as if I need to meet someone to make sense of my past.

I hope this is true!
So, I have to believe there is someone out there who will love me so much more than He Who Shall Not Be Named. And imagine how that's going to feel?

I shouldn't let this man have a hold of me, but he does. I want proof there is better out there, and I deserve it. Otherwise it all feels like a fraud... for someone who writes romance, I can get cynical. And I don't want to be cynical. I want to believe there is someone out there for everyone.

A few weeks ago, I opened myself back up to online-dating, only a day or two later to hide my profile. I realised I was just too busy to make a date with these guys - the few decent ones amongst the baggage-ridden dross.

This is great in someways, right? I'm too busy to date. The right guy's really going to need to stick out, yes?

Therefore, do I leave it to fate? Will the right guy come along in his own good time? However, I've actually been single on and off now for nearly seven years.... I'm not sure I'm patient enough for fate!

The way of the world these days, online dating seems the only way to meet new guys. But why does it have to be so time consuming, and sometimes, even feel demoralising?

Sunday, 23 June 2019

Three Years Today...

I know this is Casanova and not The Doctor... 
I'm still waiting for a damn time machine to be invented, or Dr Who is real (in David Tennant form please) or maybe I should get a hot tub (and it turns out to be a time machine...) so that I can be taken back in time to today, three years ago.

I don't think I'd be able to get around all the 52% of the country who voted us to leave the EU, but I could go back to me on my first date with He Who Shall Not Be Named.



There are two scenarios I play out, but I can't decide which would be best.

I could return and tell myself to bleed him dry.

I mean, I accepted the gifts because I believed he loved and cared about me. I never asked for these extravagances, or expected him to spend what he did on me. But I could have asked for so much more, and he probably would have provided it. However, I am not that person. I used to go mad at him when he bought me something expensive.

So really, the only other option, which would save myself the heartache and the counselling afterwards, would be to go back and tell him where to stick his dick pics.

In fact, let me stick them there for you!

What people will never get, never understand is it was you who convince me that we were meant to be. Even now, I still can't believe I'm not with you. (Though I am glad I am not!)

I am strong, I am happy, but I am not the same person I once was before meeting you. But I'm getting there.

Monday, 3 June 2019

Kindle Monthly Deal!

Meet Me At Wisteria Cottage has made it into Amazon's Kindle Monthly Deal



And yes I'm using a lot of exclamation marks! I'm excited! I have something to shout about!

Go on, give me a read! What have you got to lose? Only 99p....



'A striking example of two pasts threatening a joint future…A great read' Sue Moorcroft, bestselling author of Just for the Holidays

‘Warm, funny…a wonderful read’ International bestselling author Nicola Cornick

A Cornish Escape

After her house is set on fire and her love life is left in tatters, Maddy Hart can’t believe her luck when a friend offers her the temporary haven of Wisteria Cottage. Overlooking the turquoise blue waters of the Cornish coast, the fresh air feels like a fresh start for her and her broken heart.

Peeking out of the cosy cottage windows, Maddy’s surprised to see her gorgeous but insufferable neighbour Harry Tudor has been employed to landscape the garden. But as the wisteria winding its way around the cottage begins to bloom, an unlikely friendship starts to blossom…

Thursday, 23 May 2019

We're Not Allowed To Say This....

But... 


Sometimes there is a cause to say "Man the fuck up!"

I'll apologise now, as I may offend some maybe with the above statement but I am angry, and passionate about the way I feel. This is me! Maybe you'll understand if you read further.

So, I was dating someone and we joked about how busy we were etc. but we found the time to have the first date, and that went well. Over a week later we had the 2nd date and then a couple of weeks later we had a third.

This was slow dating for me, and each date felt like the first, with the nerves, because so much time had passed between each one we had to get to know one another again. But maybe this was a good thing, I thought, (and so did my friends) as I seemed to get swept off my feet, and then come crashing down with a bang.

Anyway, last weekend (and I'd told him prior), I said I could make myself available for a drink on the Saturday evening.

Saturday arrived, and I was texting, "Are we meeting?" a little to my annoyance, as a girl really wants to be asked out by the boy. Even in The Big Bang Theory episode (Season 2 episode 2 The Codpiece Topology) I laughed as Leslie, very clinically, let Leonard be the man to organise the dates and telling him to call her.

My response to this text was that he was at a friends.

Now I don't have a problem with that. Only if he was interested, which I believed he was, as he'd been messaging me since our last date, two weeks before, he should have said, "Sorry I have plans that night, but are you free Friday or Sunday?"

I replied with a jokey text about our next date really would be June 2020 (as it had been our little joke with each of us having busy schedules).

I've not heard anything since.

I mean, Sunday, I received no text from him. And I refused to text first. 1) Because I was the last to text, and 2) If he's interested in me then he'd message, right?

NOTHING!

So here is where I believe he should Man The Fuck Up! 

Surely I deserve an explanation, even a simple, "Sorry, I don't think this will work out." ???

No, I get the cowardice and rude approach of just leaving it dead in the air when ironically his online profile states something about being a gentleman....


And my friends wonder why I have self-esteem issues! (Although I know I've done nothing wrong.)

I believe this is an adequate example of when a man should "(gentle)man up" - in my opinion. Agreed?

Off to watch He's Just Not That Into You....


Monday, 20 May 2019

To Blog Or Not To Blog?


For some time now, I've wondered if it's worth blogging. However, I do love this space to let off steam, update on my ups and downs, as I do find writing down my thoughts really good therapy and even a way to de-clutter my head. It's why I called it The Wittering Woman after all!

It's definitely been useful over the past year with the self-counselling too. And maybe you've all had a bit of a laugh at my online dating tales. (Maybe I have more to come yet! I'm still single!)

Initially, when I wanted to be a writer, it appeared important to blog. And back then, I used to get comments on the blog, and interact with people on here. However, now, with so many other social media avenues to cover, if we tried to interact on the them all regularly we would never actually get down to the writing.

And when I do share these blog posts to my other social media sites, that's where readers tend to leave their comments. (So I think these posts do get read.)

Anyway, I won't beat myself up over not updating regularly. But I will keep this as a space to write whether it be about life or something more writing related.

I usually get great ideas for a blog post as I drift off to sleep. (I did the other night!) And then they go from me, or when I try to type them up, like today, they just don't read as great. Hey ho!

Right, must crack on with the editing...

Tuesday, 30 April 2019

Wisteria Season


I love this time of year. Spring bulbs and flowers, all bursting out and making us forget the winter dreariness. (I should really share the photos of our visit to Knightshayes in the Easter holidays... the flowers!)

And the birds are nesting and feeding their young like crazy. I'm such a twitcher!

I'm so excited, because for the first time this year, I have birds nesting in one of the bird boxes the gardener, aka Dad, has put in the garden. I thought it was Sparrows, but they are Great Tits. (I know, I know, the jokes I get...)

It's also that time of year again, where the Wisteria is out in full bloom. Unfortunately I don't have this growing in my garden though.

I was driving from Knaphill to Egham at the weekend, and I just wished I could have stopped the car and taken some photos of some beautiful buildings covered in Wisteria.

The flower is one of my favourite colours, and the house I grew up in was called Wisteria. Even though we didn't have the plant growing up it, I imagine once upon a time in its era, it would have done.

But its name was the inspiration behind calling the cottage in my book, Wisteria.

Anyway, this time of year reminds me Meet Me At Wisteria Cottage was launched. Two years old now... but still a great summer read.

I have 98 reviews on Amazon... could just do with a couple more!

Meet Me At Wisteria Cottage:

"Picture perfect scenery, a self-possessed and feisty heroine and a brooding, handsome hero in the form of one Harry Tudor all combine to make this the perfect holiday read."

Amazon UK Ebook / Amazon UK paperback




Thursday, 4 April 2019

A Big Shout Out To Women!

I need to give a big shout out to Weston Business Women today.

They hold a meeting the first Thursday of every month, and I try not to miss it.

It's an ever growing group of self-employed women, each with individual businesses. It's a great way to network, and you just don't know who you're going to meet and how they'll help you.

I attend, yet I don't have a business as such, being a writer/author. But I am technically self-employed, and it can be a lonely business at times.

I do feel that when and if I become a more successful writer, I have a network of women I can approach, whether it be for a website design, business cards, etc. Even help with my social media and marketing.

Anyway, every time I come away from this meeting I feel inspired, empowered and most importantly, happy!

If you're a self-employed woman, who wants to build her business, you're stuck on how to make it grow, or just need to get out of the house, I really recommend finding such a group locally to you.

It doesn't matter what you do but you might find someone you can connect with, cross business and clients with. It might just help you grow!

Women empowering women is such an amazing thing.

Sunday, 24 March 2019

A Mahooosive Twelve Today!


Happy 12th Birthday, Kieran! 


This will be my last year of only having one Teenager in the house. Next year, it all changes, I'm a mum to teenagers. Not teenager.

Happy birthday to my funny, cuddly, footballing, Fortnite geek!







When you're good, you're brilliant. (When you're stubborn, we do clash!)

You help me around the house just by being organised and independent. When I can pull you away from the PlayStation, you're helpful ha ha!

I soon realised and appreciated how much you did when you broke your collar bone and became dependent on me again.



You do make me proud. But your true character shone recently with breaking your collar bone. You were determined to go into school the next day! You were incredibly brave, tolerated the pain and never complained. You really did just get on with it.

You have always been the comedian of the family, the giggler. Always keep that sense of humour!

Keep up the good work, you're growing into a great young man!



Tuesday, 12 March 2019

So I Gave Tinder A Go...

And the verdict?

Well, the long story short is, it's a much more visual online dating app basically.

With POF (Plenty of Fish) you can gather more information about the person you're looking at. There is more details about their personality than just the pretty pictures, although some still only look at the pretty pictures. *insert eye roll emoji here*

You can see if they smoke, how tall they are... They have filled in their 'body' type, whether they have kids, whether they're interested in having children.

With Tinder, unless the guy writes something in the profile bit, which isn't many characters, (not as much as POF - I really had to edit it down) you know nothing about him except the photos he has posted.

And if he's stupid enough not to post good quality pictures, then suffice to say, he's probably not going to get a great response... (I swipe left!)

There is a profile bit in POF and not all fill it out (I tend to avoid these profiles because if they're too lazy to put something about themselves, then what will be their approach to a relationship?) but at least if they've filled out some of the criteria stuff, you've got an idea of whether you want to meet. Especially if smoking or drinking is a big no no in your book. Or they might want kids, and you don't. Or you're 5' 8" and he's only 5'! (Just kidding, slightly exaggerating there. I'm only 5' 4).

So, I do think Tinder is possibly more for hook ups, and not anything long term.

I'm not saying nothing long term can't come from it, but it really is a case of liking each others pictures first. If you physically fancy them, you'll swipe right...

This is a great filter however. You can only chat if you've both swiped right, i.e. liked each other.

With POF anyone can message you, even if you set filters, so it makes you feel rude when you ignore their messages. Well, it makes me feel rude, but I have learnt not to reply to those I don't have an interest in. It can give them false hope. lol! And you can tell some have just looked at the pretty pictures, and not read my profile. *insert eye roll emoji again*

I distinctly say fitness is important, and men with two chins message me! I'm sooooo sorry, but I won't find them attractive, and I'm so opinionated about health and fitness, they'd soon get fed up with me. It won't work.

Anyway, still not sure about the whole dating thing at the moment. Life is good, I am busy, I might just let my fairy godmother take charge for now... (That's my way of saying I'm letting the universe handle it).

Wednesday, 13 February 2019

Crazy Ex-Girlfriends, Huh?

I want to share this interesting article about how the trope of the 'crazy ex-girlfriend' protects abusive men. (See the link below for article).

And now, 18 months on, and in a stronger frame of mind (thanks to the help of the counselling a year ago), I remember once when He Who Shall Not Be Named did exactly this to me.

I can't really remember the whole story, because at the time, so loved up and not the jealous type, I never took too much notice of it. I never saw the significance until lately, and from the rumours I hear of his current behaviour.

But he did just this! He implied he had a woman who was some sort of crazy ex!

We were walking along the high street (more than likely playing sodding Pokemon Go), when he told me about a woman who he said he was friends with (or something along those lines), but she'd misread the signs, 'fancying' him, and wanted more from him. And having turned her down, she'd then turned a bit 'crazy' on him.

And in his nice-natured, convincing tone, I believed him! Why wouldn't I? He seemed such a nice guy - back then! The man who spoilt me, and loved me... as long as it was on HIS terms...

I realise now he was protecting himself in case this woman did see us together and tried to warn me about his narcissistic, selfish tendencies, and his lies. He could quite possibly cheated on me. I will never know. But he was grooming me to believe him, and not her, should she appear.

Because she was the crazy ex!

Ladies, I urge you to read this article. I don't know how else to protect you. If I knew the women He Who Shall Not Be Named was dating, I'd be messaging every single one of them!

(The irony is they do end up messaging me, and I'm happy to hear from them, and put their minds at rest).

If you EVER meet a man who claims to have a "crazy ex-girlfriend" or two, delve a little deeper - and remember there are two sides to every story! Maybe she's not that crazy, after all...

How the trope of the 'crazy ex-girlfriend' protects abusive men. 

Sunday, 27 January 2019

To Tinder Or Not To Tinder

So, the other night, I'm lying in bed thinking, like normal, rather than sleeping... and it's going through my head, do I join Tinder for research purposes?

I mean, at the moment, I'm not really that fussed about dating. I'm liking life single. And well, we all know how depressed I get when I start going online and see the dross I have to put up with.

However, on the phone the other day to my agent, discussing future books, my writing career etc. etc. etc. and she said something about the online dating I'd used in the book that's been rejected; it didn't have the swiping left and right which is associated with online dating. And I replied, that is only if you want a shag. Those genuinely wanting to find a relationship actually look at profiles and message. And besides, I was basing my fictional online dating site on something like Plenty Of Fish, where there is the 'Meet Me' facility. But you don't need to swipe to message one another. You can view profiles and send messages without swiping. The 'Meet Me' is actually a paid for option.

I think those that haven't used online dating, don't realise that it is not the only way to meet people. Different sites work in different ways. And I tried to incorporate that into the 'rejected' book. (Book 4 as it's the 4th book I've written).

So, I'm thinking, having NEVER been on Tinder, should I go on there and see what the whole swiping left and right thing does?

Or do I want to get sucked into another dating app which will waste my life and make me miserable.

But it's for research...

Anyone been on Tinder... can you recommend?

Thursday, 24 January 2019

Looking For Book-Bubers

(From Bristol that would be Book-babbers ha ha!)

There is always something that needs doing as mum, house owner, writer... 

Now I'm in need of BookBub followers. This is the new thing and publishers are looking for their authors to gather followers. BookBub is another platform to buy books through. You can find the book and then decide where you wish to buy it, whether it be Amazon, iTunes, Google, Kobo etc.

At some point, I will sit down and work out how to get a button on my website and blog, to lead my readers to BookBub. But the problem is, this will probably take up valuable writing time. And as I feel as if I've sat at my desk long enough today, it will have to land on the ever growing To-Do list.

So, anyway, for now, if you would all kindly follow me on BookBub I would be eternally grateful.

Clear HERE to follow me on BookBub.

Saturday, 12 January 2019

Do Soulmates Exist?

Do you believe in soulmates?

As a romantic novelist I do... I'm writing about them, aren't I? But in reality, do they really exist?

This month marks that I have been separated/divorced from my ex-husband seven years. In this time, through online dating, I have met quite a few a couple of guys, and one in particular really did make me think I'd found my soulmate. But it wasn't to be. He Who Shall Not Be Named conned me out of my heart basically. I won't go into too much detail in this blog post. Let's just say I've written enough discussing it in the past. You can start here if you like. But I did waste 14 months of my life on the wrong man who made me believe he was my Mr Right.

Anyway, seven years single... on and off... and I'm still wondering will I find my Mr Right? Will I find someone who ticks most of the boxes. Maybe 'ticking boxes' is a crude term, but we all have things we look for in a partner, don't we? (Or is it just as we get older?)

And I'm not talking about materialistic boxes, I'm talking about their personality, their attitudes and beliefs in life. (Some of the materialistic ones are important too - you're a liar if you say they are not). These boxes are what help us click.

The longer I live a single life, the more I'm getting to enjoy it, and I'm not even sure I want to make time for someone else. But then occasionally I miss the kisses, the cuddles, the intimacy, someone to share everything with.

I did meet a guy last year. He really was one of the good guys. I know he was. My womanly-sixth-spidery-sense told me. He ticked every box going and some! However, there wasn't that 'spark' - not for me anyway. I am still kicking myself. I really really wanted there to be a spark!

But it's something you just can't force. Mother Nature won't let you.

Why does life send me arseholes to fall in love with, and when a good guy comes along I don't fancy them? (And it's nothing to do with falling for bad boys - if you ever saw He Who Shall Not Be Named there was definitely nothing bad-boy about him!) It makes me think I'm best not looking for love.

If you truly believe you've found your soul mate, then hang on to them, work at it when times get tough, and treasure every moment with this person, because I believe finding a soulmate is very few and far between. Not everyone gets to meet theirs. You are truly lucky.

So as I enter 2019, like I did 2018, single, I will see where it leads... Back in 2013 I was afraid of being on my own. For 2019, I can say confidently, I am not afraid anymore.

If only Tom Hardy would have me as a friend with benefits...